HSG...

My tubes are open. Yay!!!! This was my 2nd HSG, and it wasn't as painful since I did prepare by taking the Ibuprofen. I recommend that to all of you lucky ladies who have HSG's in your near future. Lots of cramping, but thank goodness, it didn't hurt near as bad this time around. Thanks for all of your kind words and prayers! I really appreciate all of you....

There's still Hope...

We went to our new OBGYN office yesterday. I must say I am pleased with our new doctor. He was very easy to talk to and it turns out that he and his wife also have been in our shoes. (Makes me wish I would have changed doc's sooner since this is the reason I stayed so long with Dr. D.) Basically, we are starting completley over with our treatment cycles. Unfortunately, I must have my HSG repeated today (to make sure my tubes are still open). This was extremely painful for me last time, but the new doc, Dr. R assured me that pain in this case was a good sign. It meant that my tubes were be flushed of whatever clutter they contain, hence the pain. So, I have prepped by taking 800 mg of Ibuprofin and hoping that it won't be so uncomfortable this go around.

Our next move, pending my tubes are still open, is to begin Clomid for a good, solid 6 months. I only used this drug for one month at old doc's office, and Dr. R suggested that it really wasn't long enough to see if it was working. So, off to clomid we go beginning next cycle. (I am excited, but have to say, I don't look forward to the hotflashes or night sweats. Yuck!) At this point, I am willing to try anything.

More to say, but will save for another post. He assured me to still remain hopeful, but to get my stress level undercontrol. (Easier said than done, huh ladies?)

7 Random Things....

I will consider myself tagged by Jen. What a nice way to break from all the serious infertility stuff that most of us share in common.

1. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in Accounting from here. However, after working in accounting for the past 9 years, I made the decision to return to school to pursue a 2nd Bachelor's degree in Middle Grades Education with concentrations in Math and Science. I am a career student. I love school, taking classes, cramming for exams, and writing papers. I passed the Praxis I on the first attempt (Thank you Lord) and have been waiting to find out if I have been accepted to a new college, namely, here, beginning August 2008. (More to come on this in the Spring as I find out if I am one of the 30 candidates accepted. Fortunately, I have a leg up on most applicants since I currently hold a BA and have passed the Praxis I).

K is also returning this spring to get his Masters, so this is going to be a very busy year for us.

2. I am the youngest child. I have one older sister who I have grown to appreciate with age. She currently has 2 kids, a boy and a girl. K is the youngest child also, with one older brother and one older sister. They each have one son! K also had a brother he never met who died at age 7 playing with gasoline and matches. K and this sibling share the same birth date, Sept 11.

3. I have survived a horrific car accident. When I was 17 years old, I ran off the road and over-corrected hitting another vehicle head-on. I suffered 2 broken legs, a fractured pelvis, broken foot, collapsed lung, cuts, and bruises, and was air lifted to a trauma center. I spent 30 days in the hospital, 6 of which were in ICU. I was released from the hospital one day before my 18th birthday. Unfortunately, this all occurred at the beginning of my second semester of my Senior year of high school, so instead of counting down the days until graduation I was home schooled so I could graduate with my class. I learned to walk again before Senior Prom and walked to get my diploma. This is one of the proudest moments in my life. I over came most odds and I am hoping that history will repeat itself.

4. K and I got engaged only 4 months after we began dating. So many people said that we were moving too fast, but when it feels right, you just know. We continued to date for an entire year before our wedding. We have currently been married 4 1/2 years and I am thankful that we have experienced more love in this time than some people experience their entire lives.

5. I am a teaching myself to play the guitar. My parents and K surprised me with a guitar for Christmas after hearing me talk about how much I wanted to learn to play it. It was such a special gift for me, and I almost cried when I opened it. I can proudly report that I can play 2 songs, Ode to Joy and Jiggle Bells...the book I have teaches you string by string, and I can now play 2 strings. Yay!

6. I am addicted to my DVR. I don't know how I ever survived reality TV without it. I am an addict of any reality shows, American Idol, Survivor, Big Brother, etc. I also enjoy watching Cops, America's Most Wanted, 48 Hour Mysteries, and Forensic Files. (I use to want to be a police officer before I found my love for crunching numbers.) I also watch The Young and the Restless daily. I've been watching it for 15 years or more.

7. I am the mother to two fur babies, our dogs, Kooper and Karter. They are Carin Terriers like the dog on the Wizard of Oz. Karter had inherited my personality. He's the lap dog who loves to snuggle and tends to be a little slow to learning new tricks. Kooper, must be the mail-man's because he doesn't act like me or K. He is very temperamental. Basically, he doesn't like to be petted, talked to, or looked at for that matter. We can say his name and he looks at us and walks the other direction. He likes to sleep (guess he gets that from me). We have taken him to the vet and all we have determined is "he's just made this way." He is the most unsociable dog I've ever met. I don't think he likes us, but we love and spoil him all the same.

I tag all my wonderful buddies too.

Getting all worked up...

I can't believe that Christmas has came and passed another year. I feel a bit relieved, but also there is that bit of sadness that comes too.

I am so disappointed that I allow myself to get all worked up every year. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, something I just shared with K last night. I get so upset, sad, stressed as the Holiday's approach out of shear fear that someone in our family will announce their pregnancy, like I once did.

It's not a competition, and I know it is bound to happen at some point. There are so many young, married couples in our family that I always dread any sort of family get-together. However, it didn't...and I felt relieved and selfish that I allowed myself to ruin what was to be a wonderful day filled with laughter, family, and friendship.

I must be an emotional roller coaster right now, because last night I almost cried because I had cried so much working myself up for nothing. I prayed again for peace and God to help me sort through all of these emotions. He's here, right in the midst of my heartbreak, and I must continue to search for Him.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas day!

Merry Christmas and update

First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! I am about to go off on a tangent--so for those who don't want to embrace my lack of Christmas cheer, please save this post reading for another day.

As a side note, if you have little one's in your family, stop and give them an extra special hug and kiss today, for there are many people who don't have the luxury of watching our children open gifts or seeing the expressions on their faces from what Santa has left. This is a sad time of year for those of us "without" even when we try our best to mask the deep despair and anguish that we feel.

It was 3 years ago today that I announced my first pregnancy to my Husband's family. We had tried for 14 months to finally have the news to share that our family of two would soon become three. On Dec. 30, marks the 3 year anniversary that I lost this baby, and hence the reason that Christmas will never be the same for me, ever again.

I said on the way to work this morning (unfortunately, we had to work on Christmas Eve), "Maybe next year, Elaine. Maybe next year." I've said these sad words for four years now, and it doesn't get any easier. But still, I have hope and think "just maybe."

I decided to seek an unbiased 2nd opinion. When I called another local OBGYN office, I explained some of my chart briefly and hi-lighted my disappointment with Dr. D and his failure to notice that my pap smear was 3 years outdated. This new office has agreed to work me in for a consultation on Dec. 27. I would really like to be treated as a new patient, and not a prior patient with a not-so-optimistic infertility history. On a brighter note, I have been pregnant 2 times on my own, so there could be something insignificant that has been overlooked and I am hoping that a new clinic will have a new diagnosis as well.

I dunno. Maybe this is just wishful thinking.

Anyways, I will update more later this week. Merry Christmas everyone! Next year brings a new hope that this will be our year. And for that hope, I am truly thankful.

A Season of Miracles...

Jump on over here and congratulate Ms. Rebecca on her wonderful news! Ladies, this is more living proof that God still hears our prayers and preforms miracles each and every day!

Back Home

We are back home now. Our overnight trip proved to be refreshing. We were able to even see some snow!!! I can't say I'm not happy to be home though. Here is a pic we had taken at my work's Christmas dinner. Thanks for all of your kind words and encouragement over the weekend. I hope to get caught up on all my blog-reading today!

Dr Update and Greetings from Boone, NC

I had my doctor appointment on Friday as mentioned. I will be as brief as possible: my endo is probably back. The Dr. doesn't want to do another laparoscopy, but is willing to do a hystroscopy. He really doesn't feel that my septum is causing any problems, as it is barely noticeable, but if he is going to do the hystroscopy, it may as well be fixed. The doc said that we could do as many IUI's as we wanted...he would be honest, that he didn't have a lot of faith in it's success, but that he would do whatever we desired. He did confide in me that he and his wife took 6 tries before they were successful. I have a bit of a bacterial infection (apparently, K and I have been doing so much baby dancing that the ph balance is abnormal down there--wish K could of be there to hear that one). He gave me an antibiotic for that. We discussed my panic attacks, and thankfully, Dr. D decided that I probably did need to be on some meds to ease my anxiety, especially since I am no longer sleeping at night. We discussed previous dr. appts that I had at an RE's office. (I posted those results here.)

I am going back Jan 21 for a saline ultrasound to take another look at the septum and my right ovary--which was a bit enlarged and the reason he feels that my endo has reared it's ugly head again. So basically, I got some really good nerve pills to help me sleep, a pap smear--which I pray is normal after 3 years, some antibiotics for this bacterial infection that no one knows how long I've had, and another doctor's appt to look forward to.

We are officially on our first family vacation. K and our two sons, our dogs Kooper and Karder, are safely in Boone awaiting my friends graduation tomorrow from ASU. I can't think of a better place to be right now. The excitement of their 3rd strait national championship is still in the air. K is alumni from there,and I will be attending a cohort program beginning in Aug 08 offered by ASU in my hometown! Can't think of a better time to be a Mountaineer!

Ranting....

I am livid at this very moment. I was thinking earlier today that I probably should schedule a yearly physical. So, I called. Can you believe that I have not had a physical since JAN 2005!?! As many times as I have been to the doctor and no one failed to notice that I was 3 years over due on a pap smear!!! I mean, I was in their office sometimes once per week. You think someone could of clued me in. I was poked and prodded so much in that time, how was I not to know that they weren't keeping up with that for me... Okay, so some of this may be my fault, but seriously....someone could of brought that to my attention.

Secondly, I haven't had that great of a day today. Do any of you find the holiday's tough? I stated in an earlier post that it was another year of an empty back seat in our car. Last night, I broke down at dinner in a public restaurant because of the conversation that K and I.

K: You really need to stop worrying so much. You worry about things 4 months from now, that no one else would worry about right now. I am going to take care to you. I need you to repeat that to me.

Me: I know you are going to take care of me.......BUT (the ever-dreaded "but" and when the tears started streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably) I learned my lesson on "not worrying." I never "worried" that I would be one of those people who couldn't have children. Now, that's all I worry about. I have to worry now....I learned my lesson.

Some topics I will discuss with my doctor tomorrow include:

• Is my Endo back?
• Is another Laparoscopy necessary?
• If so, can you also fix my septum while you are "in there?"
• Should I give IUI one last try before my remaining expensive injectible's expire.?
• Is there something I can take for Panic Attacks that is safe while ttc?
• Checking my cervical fluid to make sure I don't have any sort of infections.

I'll post tomorrow with the results.

Thankful Thursday

I haven't been blogging too much lately. Believe it or not, I haven't really had too much to say. I am still one week away from AF's unwanted appearance. I don't have any early symptoms to report, so I'm not feeling so optimistic. You would think after 4 1/2 years, it wouldn't be so disappointing to one.....(sigh)

Regardless, I am Thankful that K and I are going on our first ever family trip this weekend to Boone--by family, I mean the two of us and our 2 dogs. We found a pet friendly hotel to stay at. My friend is graduating on Sunday so we are going up a day early to spend the night. It turned out very convenient because my department at work wanted to eat here on Saturday evening, so we would be in Boone anyway. I'm kind of bummed that her graduation is on Sunday and I will be missing church, but I am glad she is graduating. I am Thankful for her friendship the past 20 years and Thankful that she wants me to be there as she accomplishes this milestone.

I am thankful that prayers are being uplifted for my church youth group and leaders, and that many people are praying for C's family. C was a member of our youth group who died in a car accident last Thursday. I am thankful through his family's suffering that they can still say that "God has been so good."

I am thankful that Christmas is less than 2 weeks away. I am ready to put the stress it brings behind me for another 300 days or so.

I am thankful that the weather is suppose to be cooler this weekend. (Living in NC with 80 degree temps in December just doesn't feel right!!!)

Find something to be thankful for today.

Pics

I just love this pic of K and I. Before life became complicated.

Here we are with our friends at the Panther's Game (back when they played better!)

Thankful Thursday

I am Thankful that I am finally "over" my pity party. Whether I like it or not, it's a new cycle, and a new hope.

I am Thankful that I am almost finished Christmas shopping--only 3 present left to buy. I am Thankful that I actually started early this year and don't feel so stressed out about shopping for gifts and getting them wrapped.

I am Thankful for over-the-counter meds that work! I am Thankful that I am finally getting over this horrible cold and can finally breath through my nose again.

I am Thankful that K was able to take a few days off this week and go hunting. I am Thankful that God continues to keep him safe while he is hunting. I am Thankful that our freezer is full of meat for the next year. I am Thankful that I had enough courage to "try" deer meat a few years ago, and that I really do like it when it's cooked right.

I am Thankful for friends that check in on me and worry about me. I am Thankful that I feel cared for and prayed over.

I am Thankful for today--it's payday! I am Thankful that I have reliable employment.

I am Thankful that K has decided to also go back to school. He will be beginning his Master's degree this spring and I will be attending school next fall working towards a 2nd bachelor's degree.

Have a blessed day, and find something to be Thankful for.

Update...

After yesterday's melt down, I took your advice. I cried, ranted, pleaded, begged, cried, prayed, popped some Ex.cedrin (because all that crying gave me a raging headache), showered, cried out to God in hopes that he would give me peace in my moment of despair. He provided, as He always does, even when I am throwing myself one raging pity party. I felt better. Isn't it weird how even when you think you are all prayed out about something, you find a way to pray again. Thank God for the Holy Spirit intervening on my behalf at the throne of God and saying to the Father all those things that were inaudible through my tears and sobs.

Thank you, dear friends, for your advice and prayers. You have helped me maintain my sanity for another day...and I should rejoice, for this is a day that the Lord has made.

A bit depressing...

Well, Thanksgiving has came and gone. Now, the Christmas rush is moving full pace! I opted not to shop on black Friday. I don't see much enjoyment in shopping in that type of environment, no matter how much money I would have saved. I feel uncomfortable in large shopping crowds and lose my patience very quickly. Actually, patience isn't a strong virtue that God has given me. I prayed for patience once--and well, I'm still "patiently" waiting. Lesson learned on that one--be careful what you ask God for.

I am sort of down today. K would call it "ill" and "what have you done with my wife?" I know it. Another month of failure... I just don't get it. I don't feel like I am asking for any blessing that anyone else doesn't deserve. But yet, God has yet to answer. Every year I get this way--It's approaching the date of when I found out I was pregnant with baby #1, and the date that I lost baby #1. It's another year with an empty back seat and a hope that "next year" we'll be taking a baby with us to the family Christmas celebration.

We've had +50 unsuccessful cycles now... Life just doesn't seem very fair today. I feel like I am going to cry at any given moment.

Playing catch up...

I haven't been blogging so much lately because, quite frankly, I haven't had the time. I am so busy this time of year, as are all of us. On top of the holidays, we are approaching year end at work which literally means, I must make sure all the "t's" are crossed, and the "i's" are dotted. Busy, busy, busy. So, the excitement that I once possessed for this time of year is starting to dwindle, as it does each year about this time. Now I start feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and restless until about mid-Feb when I finally feel like I can breath again.

Not too much to share on the infertility front. AF should be arriving on Thanksgiving day unless by some unforeseen miracle she doesn't come. However, we been trying for FOREVER (2 yrs 3 mo. since my last miscarriage; 4yrs 4 mo. all together), so I'm not really looking for any unexpected surprises. I did begin an herbal supplement a month or so ago to improve my reproduction health. I hope it will help to get my FSH to decrease. (Last checked it was 14 which isn't too high, but should be less than 10.)

K and I haven't talked any more about IVF. I think we both know that we just don't have the funds right now to do that. If we must resolve to do IVF, there really isn't so much of a time restraint as I am 28 now(he's 31), and have been told we'd probably have to use donor eggs anyway. I think about it everyday still--should I? Shouldn't I? I just can't find enough pros that out weigh the cons, especially taken on the emotional and financial stress should it fail since our insurance doesn't cover IVF. Point blank--I'm scared!

Something to look forward to, K surprised me with an early birthday present by buying me tickets to go see this band. They are my favorite band and I can not wait to see them live again. They will be playing in Charlotte 2 days before my birthday. How exciting!!!!!

Thanksgiving is 2 days away. I can't wait to eat, nap, and eat some more. I love taking naps on Thanksgiving. I love napping any day actually, but I love that I can eat as much as I want, and blame my sleeping on the turkey.

As you gather around your tables this week and thank God for all he has given you, don't forget those unable to attend the festivities with his/her family who are serving in the military. Whether you agree or disagree with the war, at least support our troops while they are there.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful Thursday

Oh my...can you believe that it's only a week away from Thanksgiving? Where does the time go? I forgot to do Thankful Thursday last week, so first off, I am thankful that I remembered this week.

I am thankful to work among a caring department. Each year we collect an entire Thanksgiving dinner and give it to a needy family for the Holidays. We collected 4 huge boxes of food and I personally know the family and that it will be graciously accepted. I am thankful that my co-workers embrace this idea each year and give to help make someone else have a Happy Thanksgiving.

I am thankful that my grandmother is feeling better. She's been sick on-off for a while now. I am thankful that she hasn't had any new blood clots develop and that she seems to be on the road to recovery.

I am thankful that K had a safe week at work. Long story short, he works at a bank and someone attempted to rob it this week. However, the criminal didn't do his homework. K's bank closes the lobby each day from 1:30-3pm so when he came up to the door with his black ski mask on, he couldn't get in. (Thank you Lord, for I know this wasn't an accident.)

I am thankful that the local police apprehended this man before he could rob any other business or person.

I am thankful that next week is a short work week. (Can I get and AMEN to that one?)

I am thankful for my good health, friends, family, and readers. May God bless each of you this Thanksgiving!

4 Things

'Four things' about me that you may or may not have known, in no particular order.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Cashier at a Grocery Store
2. Pre-school Teacher
3. Administrative Assistant for the Company I still work for.
4. Retail Accountant

Four movies I Have watched more than once:
1. Overboard--I just love that movie and watch it almost every time it's on TV.
2. Facing the Giants--those in the infertility circle who haven't seen this movie, it is GREAT!
3. Elf--my family watches this movie each year on Thanksgiving while stuffing our faces!
4. John Q--probably one of my all time favorite movies. I love Denzel Washington, and this movie is one of his best!

Four TV Shows I Watch Faithfully
1. The Young & The Restless--been watching for 15 years now! And shhh...K watches too.
2. Gray's Anatomy
3. Two and a Half Men--hilarious show!
4. America's Most Wanted

Four Places I have Vacationed
1. Myrtle Beach, SC
2. Cocoa Beach, FL
3. Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
4. Charleston, SC

Four of my Favorite Foods:
1. Sushi (only certain rolls though)
2. Mexican
3. Pizza
4. Fruit

Four Places I would rather be right now:
1. With my husband
2. Anywhere sunny and tropical (I'm not a picky person)
3. Heaven
4. Snuggled up under the covers, napping.

Four Things I am looking forward to this year
1. Christmas
2. Making new friends
3. Returning to School--again!
4. Paying off some debt

Four Hobbies I have:
1. Scrapbooking when time permits.
2. Teaching myself to play guitar.
3. Reading
4. Exercising occasionally

Tag, you are it! Your turn to tell me 4 things about you.

Thankful Sunday

Hello All!

What a busy week! I have had so many things going on lately. Forgot to do Thankful Thursday, so I am doing it today.

I am thankful that K was able to go hunting with his dad. He left on Wed and didn't get back until Saturday. I am thankful that he has a great relationship with his dad and thankful that he wants to spend time with him. I am thankful that he's home now, because I missed him tremendously. Makes me wonder what I ever did the first 22 years of my life without him.

I am thankful that I was able to do some girl stuff this week. I had dinner with a friend on Thursday night who I hadn't seen in quite some time. She and I had a huge falling out, so I am thankful that time heals all wounds and that the healing process has began. I am thankful for her son, H, who is almost 4. K and I are his godparent's and we had really missed him.

I am thankful that I had dinner with another friend, J, and my sister, L, on Friday. I am thankful to have had a BFF for 20 years and that my sister and I have actually grown up and learned to appreciate each other and embrace our differences.

I am thankful that other bloggers care about me when I go MIA. I am thankful that I found this blog.

I am thankful that even though I have missed 2 weeks of bible study that I am still doing the work. I am thankful that I will be able to go tomorrow.

I hope everyone had a blessed week!

Opinions Wanted...

There is a question that has been really convicting me lately. I would like some insight into what all of you think. This is probably more appropriate for a message board, but I really want you to feel free to leave as detailed of a comment as necessary.

so, here it is...

Okay, I know that sometimes God allows us to go through things to draw us closer to Himself. For whatever reasons unbeknownst to us, God has a purpose in allowing us to walk through some valleys, however deep and lonely they may feel to us.

I also know that sometimes Satan attacks our lives to try to distract us from God's will for our lives or worse, to try to get us to be the straying sheep that Jesus has to come after to rescue.

My question is:

How do we know the difference? In other words, how do we know when it is God allowing us to go through something versus Satan having a battlefield with our lives? Is there a difference?

Opinions wanted!

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that we actually received some rain this week. We are still so many inches short this year and most of the region is in an extreme drought.

I am thankful for bottle water in the event we wouldn't be receiving rain. I think (in this area) we have a 90 day supply remaining, which sounds like a lot, but not for the +1 million people who have to share it.

I am thankful (again) that my hand wasn't seriously injured in my cooking catastrophe on Sunday.

I am thankful that my migraine went away (finally! ) and equally thankful for Ex.edrin Migraine which seems to be the only over the counter med that will alleviate the pain.

I am thankful for the Internet, because without it, I would still be wondering how all my blogger buddies renamed hyperlinks. (If you don't know how, all you have to do is type the word you want to rename it as, hi-light it, clink on the Link icon, and enter the address as you would for any hyperlink. Your high lighted word automatically become the link. Yes, it's that easy!!!)

I am thankful for the relationship I share with my mother-in-law. She and i had such a great talk on Friday night. I am thankful that she prays for me and I can go to her when I have questions about the Bible or other things. I am thankful that her advice will align with God's word. (Some married couples don't have a good relationship with their in-laws. I can't imagine that type of relationship with my in-laws. I love them dearly, and I know I am blessed to be a part of two wonderful, Christian families.)

I am thankful for my church and the wonderful services we had on Homecoming Sunday. I am thankful for our preachers who constantly pray for our services and members, even when I fail to do so. I am thankful that 3 members have chosen to follow God's calling into the ministry and that they have our preacher and associate preacher as mentors.

I am thankful to have bought 2 Christmas presents thus far, and only have a good 15 or so to go. Speaking of which, I am thankful that it's only 61 days until Christmas now (have I mentioned that I just love this time of year?). I love celebrating the birth of our Lord and the way the Spirit feels the air during the upcoming holiday season.

I am thankful for the retailers who still refer to things as "Christmas" such-and-such, instead of the politically correct "Holiday" versions.

I am thankful to be alive another day to enjoy the love of my Savior, family, and friends.

I am thankful that the firemen in CA have reduced what were 21 fires down to 14 (maybe less now) and that people are being able to return to their homes. I am thankful that the Lord is controlling the wind to reduce the risk of new fires developing.

Have a blessed Day!

Weekend recap...

Yesterday was homecoming at our church. It was such a good service. You could feel God moving from the moment service began. I am so blessed to be a member there. Our guest speaker was really good. His sermon was based on this. It was good to be reminded that God answers prayers based on your faith in His ability to answer them.

Last night, I had this bright idea to cook dinner (which I don't do often. K likes to cook...so I let him! I would rather clean the kitchen any day, and after reading this paragraph, you'll understand why.) I was steaming some veggies and had too much water in my pot. When the water started to boil, K poured some of it out in our sink, while I stood there and watched. I don't know what I was thinking--I began to load our dish washer with dishes which were in our sink. I picked up a bowl and turned it over to empty it--which was full to the brim of this boiling water and managed to scaled my hand pretty good! Duh...I just stood there and watched him pour it out...I wasn't even thinking that the water could be hot, so I have a 1st degree burn all over my right hand (I'm right handed, mind you) and between my fingers. It looks like a sunburn today, but is still pretty darn sore! It could of been much worse, even though it hurt like the dickens, so I am thankful that it wasn't. So, cooking is dangerous for anyone as accident prone as I am, so I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

Today has been sort of "yuck!" First, I didn't sleep well last night. I awoke every little bit with my hand just throbbing and had to find the ice pack in the covers to alleviate some of the sting. I woke up the last time around 4 am to K snoring so loudly! I just couldn't go back to sleep
Now, I have had a migraine all day which is a constant reminder that AF is looming nearby. It is raining, which we need desperately (Thank you Lord) but makes for a dreary day!

Can you tell, I'm kind of whiny due to lack of sleep, this headache, and my sore hand. I'm hoping this headache leaves me before bible study tonight!

Thankful Thursday

I don't know about you all, but this week has been so long. I've spent most of my time watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until the weekend...

I am definitely thankful that it's Thursday. Not only is it pay day, it means tomorrow is Friday and that's one of my favorite days of the week.

I am thankful for good friends, despite the miles between them, who remind you that you should stop...take a deep breath....and find things to be thankful for today. (Thanks Rebecca!)

I am thankful that I was able to meet with most of my friends tonight to watch Gray's Anatomy.(I just love fall TV and more often than none, find myself tivo'g almost everything!)

I am thankful that I managed another peaceful, quiet week with my co-worker. There has been so much tension, but I have managed to hold myself together and remain professional for my department's sake.

I am thankful that the leaves are finally beginning to change here. I always enjoy this time of year most. For some strange reason, around this time every year, I begin getting really excited about the holidays--Christmas mostly. (It's 68 days til Christmas!)

I am thankful that K and I went to my college for homecoming. I love that we are getting out of the house and doing new things. And every second I get to spend with my handsome husband, I'm most graciously thankful for.

I'm thankful for a quiet weekend at home this weekend. K will be hunting, so I will get to relax and spend some quiet time with God and my bible study without interruptions or distractions. I am thankful that I have already cleaned my house this week so that I don't have that as a crutch to put off doing the work.

I am thankful for hand sanitizer since I heard on the news that MRSA (a serious staph infection invading hospitals and schools) can one day be more deadly than H.I.V. (Lord, okay, this may have me a little freaked out, but I trust you to put an end to this super-bug since you are the Master or all Doctors.)

I am thankful that a fellow church member and blogger, Pam, is in the Holy Land and that the Lord is keeping her safe.

I am thankful for all my blogger buddies who read and comment faithfully are now referred to as friends.

I am thankful that I am nearing my 1ww and that every failure brings with it a new try.

Have a Blessed Weekend!

My attempt at a Positive Spin...

I told most of you that I am trying to train myself to think more optimistically. I believe most of how we feel is how we are determined to feel anyway, and if I want to be more positive, I must first choose to be. I am officially in the 2ww now. I don't feel very optimistic about its success, but I want to be more optimistic if it wasn't a success. So here, I have decided to list all the reasons NOT being pregnant would not be the end of the world... don't know if it will work, but here's my A+ effort at trying.

Advantages of not being pregnant this month or already being a mommy
1. I get to sleep in late anytime I want to on the weekends.
2. Every vacation is like a honeymoon for K and I.
3. I don't have to worry about if I do/don't have a sitter if we want to go do something spontaneously.
4. My clothes still fit me.
5. I don't have to be responsible for anyone 24/7.
6. When you have kids, you lose any days off you would have--there is no longer such a thing.
7. The money I would have to use on "kid stuff" I can spend on other things.
8. I am going back to school in Jan to become a teacher and I'll get to have as many as 30 kids at once.
9. I have time for my own hobbies or I can be completely lazy for no reason at all.
10. When I get sick, I have my choice of thousands of over the counter medicines, and I can stay in bed and recuperate for as long as I feel like it.
11. I can still eat sushi and shell fish (which are two of my favorites!)
12. I can drink milk without getting squeamish.
13. I don't have to be close to the nearest bathroom in case I need to tinkle or vomit.
14. I can eat as much junk food as I want and think I have a proper diet.
15. I can consume as much caffeine as I need.
16. When I get a positive home pregnancy test, I will be pleasantly shocked!
17.I don't have to worry about doing too much (or too little).
18.I don't have any stretch marks.
19.I get to watch grown up TV instead of cartoons.
20.I don't have to worry about being too loud in case others are sleeping.
21. My breasts aren't lactating.

Come on Ladies...there are others, which I will gladly add to this list. (And yes, I know...for every one of these reasons, I can list a thousand disadvantages of not being pregnant or a mommy...) For now, this seems to work...I feel better. Hope you feel better too!

Thankful Thursday (on Friday)

I forgot to do this last night, so I'm posting it now...

I am thankful that K and I spent last Saturday together. It's hunting season, and he's been away from home quite a bit lately. Last weekend, I politely asked that we have an all day date on Saturday, and he accepted. No grumbling or moaning...he said, "Sure." We spontaneously drove up to Boone for his college homecoming game. We drove all along the parkway stopping by those little shops. Once we made it back home, we decided to go out to dinner and do some shopping. I enjoyed the entire day, and it was so good for us.

I am thankful that this weekend is homecoming at my college and that we are going to go to that too.

I am thankful that its finally a little cooler outside.

I am thankful for another great week at bible study and that I have not given up on doing the work.

I am extremely thankful for April's five year old son having clear scans. April is a co-worker who has become a very dear friend to me and been great at encouraging me at times. (Lord, thank you for placing Barnabas' in my life everywhere!) L was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma last year. He is considered to be in remission, but has to go every few months to make sure he doesn't have any new cancer. Monday was his first scans in several months and they were clear! PRAISE GOD! This little boy will actually get to enjoy 1st grade! Last year, was a very difficult year for their family and he was very discouraged by missing so much school...he was in Kindergarten! What an exciting year to be so sick!

Have a great day!

Looking at Pumpkins differently now...

We've all probably gotten this by email, but I wanted to share...

A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"

The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff.He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

Nothing really interesting...

Not too much is going on in the IF front. I am currently on cd12 so I am approaching what should be my peak--whether it actually is, and if I release a healthy egg, is a different story. I miss the days when I didn't care. My life seemed less stressful when I was content with life the way it was, and K was the one with baby fever. Since my m/c's, it's consumed every other thought for me. I just wish it didn't bother me so much and that I was more content.

A dear friend recommended this bible verse to me. I can't remember if I have shared it before, but repetition never hurts:

Philippians 4:11

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

If only it were as easy to do as it is to read. I am to be content--no matter what state I am in. I have this verse everywhere. It's taped to my computer at work, it's the signature on my email. Just a friendly reminder from the One who knows my deepest hearts desire that I am to be content.

Today, as I was driving home, I was listening to a local Christian radio station when I heard a song. It's called "Bring on the Rain." How well stated! I felt as if Mercy Me was my Barnabas for this moment (For those of you in the bible study, you know what I mean. For those of you who aren't, Barnabas was used over and over in the Bible to be of encouragement to believers and non-believers. He was said to be full of the Holy Spirit and faith.) What a privilege only given to few these days. (Lord, bring on whatever circumstance (rain) it takes to keep me in the center of Your will. When I bicker and whine, remind me that it's the rain that makes life flourish and beautiful.)

Quick update on my co-worker. She is back at work now. We still haven't spoken. In fact, she hasn't as much as even made eye contact with me. I can't push all the blame on her though. I am not actually going out of my way to make amends either. I'm not bitter and I don't dislike her. I dislike her decisions, but they are her decisions to make.

I could really use some advice on how to handle this situation appropriately. It's a touchy subject for myself, but I have to find a way to move forward and not allow my personal emotions to get involved, or let this affect my walk with the Lord. (Satan, nice try...but it didn't work!)

She doesn't need my forgiveness, and I'm not sure why we are even angry anymore. I don't think we will ever be the same, but there has to be a way to use these circumstances to give God the glory. I do know that I want my reaction to be Christ-like...but as requested, advice welcome. Not sure what a Christian response would be for this situation. Who can be a Barnabas?

Thankful Thursday

It's Thursday, and most of this week has been a blur for me. I am thankful for the bible study I am in on Monday nights. It has gotten me back in the habit of reading my bible, talking to God, praying for other people's needs...and without those things, I really don't know what this week would of been like for me. (Thanks Deidre, Pam, and Mindy!)

I'm thankful for getting all green lights on my way home from work today. That's kind of corny, but makes for a much more peaceful way home.

I'm thankful for my husband, who I snapped at this morning for no reason at all, and equally thankful that he is so understanding.

I'm thankful for this blog and my few readers (who are the BEST!)--without it I would of been on information overload and on the verge of explosion. I'm thankful for the encouragement it has brought me amidst all this emptiness I feel.

I'm thankful for my mom--who at times drives me nuts, but always means well...even when she is texting me at daybreak (she's new to this, by the way, and she's practicing on me) with some inspirational message I don't really feel like hearing...but need to. I'm thankful she doesn't care if I text her back to say I really needed to hear that message.

I'm thankful that I managed to exercise ONE time this week, so it got me out of the house and from feeling sorry for myself.

I'm thankful my co-worker texted me today with she wants to talk, even though I am just not ready.

I'm thankful to you for making it to the end of this blog. I know it seems sort of depressing.

updated: I'm thankful for the rain we received today that we desperately needed.

Sentimental Saturday...

Another unsuccessful cycle. Not that I am surprised or even devastated. I didn't even cry this time (which is a surprise of itself). Do I give up? No. Do I lose hope? No. Do I stop praying and believing that God cares? No!

I found this verse while working on my bible study this week:

Psalm 113:9

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

So, should K and I keep on trying? Yes. Most importantly, am I a day closer to being a mommy today than I was yesterday? Yes! (Praise ye the Lord)

Thankful for Unexpected, Good News...and the Best Husband EVER!!!

Today I got some surprisingly good news. I don't know if I have shared with my fellow bloggers my decision to return to school. I am currently an accountant, but after doing some soul searching and many hours of prayer, I have felt some time that the Lord was leading me to be a math teacher. I had applied for the teaching program at my local college and was told to be eligible for the program that I needed to take the Praxis I. Once I registered for the Praxis, I had only 3 weeks to study, so I did some good, old-fashioned cramming. I ended up passing 2 of the 3 parts, but was pleased with my test scores. I had only failed the 3rd part by 3 points, so I felt that I did really good for the time I had to study. Anyway, today I got a letter from my college that said that my scores had been re-calculated by the department chair and my scores were high enough to enter the program now! I couldn't be happier!!!! So, I will be returning to school this spring to pursue my passion for teaching, children, and math. So, this is one thing I am certainly thankful for. (Thank you God!)

This week, I chose my husband to do something extra nice for. He's been my rock through the circumstances we've faced and I know that he is the reason I keep on going. He's put up with my mood swings, depression, highs and lows, and he's never once complained or made me feel like I was inferior. I should show him everyday how thankful I am to be his wife, but I tend to take the things most important to me for granted at times. I know he wants to be "enough" for me should we not have kids...and I know if it comes to that point, that he will be. So, today I bought him something I thought he'd like...it wasn't much, but it was just a little something to show him I was thankful for him. (Lord, for every time I have asked for more, I want to thank you for the kind of love you have already blessed me with in my marriage. It's real, unconditional, and everlasting, just like the love You have for me.)

Have a blessed weekend!

Miracle Monday...

I receive this in my email each day, and how fitting it was for a Monday. I've been saying that what K and I need is a miracle. Now I have the Divine instructions on how to make that miracle happen. If you like it, consider subscribing at http://www.bibleshack.com.

Prayer Room - http://www.bibleshack.com/prayer/Today's scripture is Romans 10:10

"For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

Do you need a miracle? Then believe it, confess it and receive it! If you don't have enough faith yet to believe for the miracle you need, then you can get it. "Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Rom. 10:17). So start filling the ears of your heart with the
Word until faith for your miracle is born.

That's what the woman did who had the issue of blood. She believed in her heart that Jesus would heal her. Then she spoke her faith out loud. Then she acted on that faith--and she received her miracle. It wasn't Jesus' decision. He didn't suddenly say, "You know, I think
I'll work a miracle for that little lady today." No. She made it happen. She took her faith and drew on the power of God. That's why Jesus said, "Daughter, your faith has made you whole" (Matt. 9:22).

You have that same opportunity. God's power is always present everywhere. Your faith will bring it into your life, body, or circumstances. So reach out to Jesus. Believe, confess, and receive your miracle today.

SCRIPTURE READING: Matthew 9:18-31 - Click this link to read the
scripture online http://bibleshack.com/ds/matthew9-18-31.shtml

"A happy heart is like good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)
Religious jokes archive http://bibleshack.com/archive/jokes/

Special Requests...

My weekend has been pretty boring. I actually made it to church today for the first time in several weeks. I've been sulking, and I've been mad at God for making me go through this valley (that at times never seems to end). I realized something while I was sitting in the sermon. I had channeled my anger at the wrong person. I should be angry with Satan who has attacked this battle against my life, my marriage, my whole being. My preacher also stated that it wasn't the circumstances that would make or break a Christian. It was your REACTION to circumstances that would determine how strong your faith is. So, I'm fighting back...Satan is fleeing me and God is surrounding me with his love and protection.

One of our fellow bloggers is experiencing her first miscarriage and could really use our prayers and encouragement. Please visit Amanda at http://waitinginline.blogspot.com and send her some support. If you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, you know first hand the heartache that she is experiencing right now. You could perhaps use your experience to offer her some comfort. If you haven't had a miscarriage, then she could use your prayers. My heart really aches for her and her family as she is going through this time. I know all too well the emptiness she is feeling as I have had 2 miscarriages within the last 4 years.

Also, please see Rebecca at http://wishinghopingandpraying.blogspot.com. I convinced her this blog was much better than a previous blog we were on together because of the encouragement and prayers I have received from this site. Rebecca is ending her 2ww and could also use some optimism from those of us who are privileged to be on this infertility roller coaster...together. I have found that it was worse when I felt alone.

Thankful for April

After reading over my first handful of Blogs, I decided...you know, it's a little depressing. Doctor appointments, statistics, personal emotions--not that all of those things aren't important to what I am going through, or what you are facing--but no wonder I am so depressed at times. All I do is dwell on the circumstances at hand.

So yesterday I decided that I wanted to shift the focus of my blog somewhat. Those things will still be very important in my life, but perhaps I could "train" myself not to dwell on them so much. So, I have decided that every Thursday, I would make a commitment to let someone in my life know how thankful I am for them. Whether it be a greeting card, homemade cookies, or just a pat on the back, I am going to let the people in my life know I appreciate them and all they have done for me. (In essence, I will be counting my blessings which hopefully will help me to lose emphasis on those things that I don't have.)

Today, I am thankful for April, a coworker and friend, who has been through it all with me even when she had mountains of her own to climb. This year, while I was facing infertility, she was facing her 6 y/o son being diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. April has always taken time out of her busy work day to hand me a Kleenex or drop me an email to let me know I was being prayed for. She has this way about her that she can make you laugh when your heart is breaking just to lighten the mood. She is one of the strongest people that I know, and has come to mean so much to me over the past few years. I am blessed to be able to call her my friend and know that she will always be there for me.

Rest Stop...

Yesterday, I had the much dreaded talk with the RE about my cd3 tests. Please excuse the randomness of this post, as I feel like I am still on information overload right now as I am trying to take everything all in....

The RE immediately told us that we were declined for the Shared Risk Program (where we have 6 IVF cycles-3 of which are donor eggs-and if you still don't have a child, you are reimbursed for 70% of costs. Why was I declined?...Elevated FSH. Nevermind that I was told last week by the nurse that the doc wanted me to do an Efort test. Nevermind that K and I were completely caught off guard that our application had been reviewed. Apparently, to be considered for the SRP your FSH must be below 10. I was 14.7...so I have a poor ovarian reserve, accompanied by all those other borderline results from cd3. IVF is a no go...with my eggs.

Paraphrasing the doctor's "talk," it's not impossible to conceiving naturally, but medically it's unlikely since the odds are stacked against us. The RE suggested we strongly consider donor eggs, and he recommends using an anonymous donor (as with his expertise, when families use designated donors it's just too much to process for most mothers). He said if we agreed to use donor eggs that SRP would approve us on the spot and the guarantee becomes 100% refund if you don't have a baby.

Sounds too good to be true...and is. The cost increased to $21,000. So, it's a catch-22. Today, we also found out that in addition to the $21,000 we would have to come up with $14,000 in additional funds for labs, doctor fees, meds, etc. Also, if it failed for each additional IVF cycle you have to again come up with the additional $14,000 to proceed. When we were barely going to be able to afford the $15,000 monthly payment (maxing out our credit card) accompanied by daycare and costs associated with a child should it be successful... realistically, this is no longer an option. This could cost more than our house, and it seems like a rip off that doctors are profiting off of innocent people's misery...

I think this is the end for us...at least a rest stop where we take a deep breath and ponder what on Earth we could possibly do to come up with that much $.

I was an emotional mess yesterday. I don't know how I feel today...kind of numb to everything. My husband said he would sale his truck, and I love him for offering, but No... Maybe we just aren't financially ready...maybe I need to accept that this is just the way life is...Since we won't be using my defective eggs, we really have no need to rush things... How do I tell my heart to move on? How do I tell it to wait any longer? We've already been waiting 4 years... and I know that I am this miserable person to be around right now because my heart has been torn out of my chest...

I know this is God's plan, and when I think about all the things I did wrong, I deserve so much worse...but I am so angry. I've been slowly withdrawing from Church, God, Family, Friends...I feel like I am in a rut. Two weeks ago, I started reading my Bible again and it's providing some much need comfort admist all this pain... God knows how I feel and the desires of my heart, and I have to just hold on to the promise that He will answer my prayer one day.

Praying for a Miracle now...

The Dr. called...

I just got off the phone with the doctor's office a while ago...My day 3 test results were all on the low side of what they should be for a normal 27 year old. The nurse stressed that it didn't mean that pregnancy wasn't possible, but it did indicate red flags as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant on my own or sustain pregnancy once I did.

The doctor suggested that I do what's called a Efort Test (some people know it as the Clomid Challenge, but I will not be using clomid). I have to wait until day 3 of my next cycle where I will repeat all the blood work, ultrasound, and take a fertility injection. Then, I return the following day for an ultrasound to see how my body responded to the shot.

It seems that the doctor is trying to do all he can to get us approved for the shared-risk plan the office has to increase the chances of IVF being successful. That ensures me that I am at the right doctor now. My last doctor, I believe, did all he could for us, but he wasn't an RE. The experience the new office has makes me wish I had sought a 2nd opinion months ago.

I admit...I'm a little scared now that my tests were so low...I just barely made the borderline for what the Shared Risk's plan considers to be cut-off's ...My AMH was 0.7 (they require 0-6.9); I had 6 follicles (and they require 6-20); My estrogen was 75.4 (and they require it to be <75)

After this Efort Test, I will also know if I have to get the septum fixed... We have an appt with the RE on Sept 18. I am hoping to have a better understanding of all these numbers after the appt. I feel some comfort knowing now that my diagnosis of "unexplained" infertility is now getting explained. But, it saddens me to think that it's me--kind of a blow to one's self-esteem.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? I could really use some advice or encouragement...

Starting IVF....

Yesterday, I had my day 3 appointment for blood-work and an ultrasound. My husband and I are applying for a program that is called "shared risk" where the patient and the clinic share the risk in IVF. You are given 6 cycles (3 of which are donor egg cycles) and if you still don't bring a baby home from the hospital, you are given a 75% refund of your money, hence the reason it costs so much to do the shared risk program. Actually, it is a little more than 2 IVF cycles should we be paying for them independently, so the advantages certainly out-weigh the disadvantages.

The clinic just called me today with my day 3 results. My doc is out of the country until next week, and he has to review my chart before we can submit the application for the shared risk program. It appears that this program is solely based on your medical history, and your chances of conception, rather than your credit history...huh? I mean, I get it, but who would of thought that your financial history wouldn't matter in this one...So to be honest, K and I are a little scared that we may be declined. We have excellent credit, but my medical history is a little "iffy". I'm healthy, he's healthy...but my pregnancy history (or lack there-of) is questionable... On a good note, I have been pregnant 2 times on my own so I am hoping that it helps. We have been diagnosed "unexplained." Also, we can still do IVF even if we aren't approved, although I think we'd be a little reluctant to try it if the doctor doesn't seem to have faith in us...

Lastly, the nurse made mention of the septum I have which may require a little surgery to fix. It's ironic that I saw a doc in my hometown for 3+ years and he never noticed the septum that the RE noticed immediately. So, we are still in limbo. The doctor comes back the US next week, so we should know more by the end of next week.

Does anyone have a septum?

Who knew getting Pregnant would be this Hard?

If you've some how made it to this page, it's likely from a google search and an inability to get pregnant. I've been there. You could have also stumbled here by searching for "scriptures for conceiving" or "pregnancy prayer." I've been there too. In fact, I've added a tab on my page for Bible Verses where you can find God's words to help you in your journey to parenthood. Some of them literally got me through day-to-day. However, they aren't a prescription to get pregnant, but more-so a way to meditate on God's word and trust in His ability to work a miracle in your life/womb. If you feel alone, you are definitley not alone in your journey... See that tab that says "Support Circle?" It links to the blogs of other women who are/have struggled to get pregnant. Some have beaten the odds. What you have actually found here is the first "recorded" memory in my personal journey to become a parent. My husband, Kyle, and I's journey actually started a few years earlier than when I wrote this all down. It was a long, painful journey...So, come along for the ride of our journey to becoming parents. It's a long, bumpy, twisted ride, but it doesn't stop here! We were told we would never be parents. All hope was literally lost. However, God swooped right in and showed us He ultimately is in control. Now, looking back I can tell you it was all worth it--every tear, every heartache, every prayer, every moment. So, welcome! I hope you will stick around for a minute, but more importantly, I hope our story will encourage you!
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09/03/2007

My name is Elaine. I am 27 years old, and I am married to a wonderful man, K. We have been married for 4 years, and we have been trying to have a baby since our wedding night. Here we are years down the road and two miscarriages later still without a baby to hold.

So here I am. I decided to title my blog My prayers, His promises in hopes to reinforce my faith in God. He hears my prayers and will answer them in His time. I hold on to the promises He has made me in His Word.

A little bit about me:

I found out I was pregnant with our first child December 23, 2004. What perfect timing! At this point we had been trying to conceive for 14 months. With Christmas a few days later, we felt it to be a perfect time to tell all of our family and friends. December 30, exactly one week later, I started spotting and had my husband take me to the emergency room. My highest high in life became my lowest low. I was having a “probable” miscarriage the doctor had said. The only thing I could do was go home and wait it out. I was only 5.5 weeks.

Telling my family and friends was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Their words of comfort, for example, “There must have been something wrong with the baby,” or, “At least you know you can get pregnant, and you’ll have another chance,” or “It was God’s will,” did nothing but make me angry. ANGRY. No one, NO ONE understood the heartache that I was/still am feeling. I knew that they loved me, but nothing they could say would comfort me.

No matter how much I doubted it, to my surprise, the sun still rose each morning. It didn’t quite shine the same way to me, but never-the-less, life went on with or without my participation. I cut myself off from everyone: my husband, my family, friends, GOD. It’s almost like I was embarrassed. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. No one in my entire family had ever had a miscarriage; I am healthy; I am young; I take care of myself; I am a good person. How could this happen? More importantly, where was God?? I don’t know how Jesus felt when he was on the cross dying for my sins, but I truly felt that God had forsaken me at this point.

Months past, I got out of church and out of God’s will. I partied with my friends. Eight months later, August 04, 2005 I found out I was pregnant again. Again, it couldn’t have occurred at a more perfect time. I was avoiding what was suppose to be my estimated due date with baby #1 (August 30, 2005) when I found out I was pregnant again. I was shocked!! Could this be the baby we would hold? My pregnancy seemed to progress normally, or so I thought. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. I felt good….different this time. This was it. I knew it… I felt confident that God would bless us with a child this time around.

At my first doctor’s appointment, I had my first sonogram. I was so excited to see the baby…I couldn’t wait. I’ll never forget what the technician said (you know they aren’t supposed to say anything), “It doesn’t look like an 8 week baby to me…” At first, I thought I had misunderstood her. As the silence progressed I knew I hadn’t. This time, I had a blighted ovum…a sac, but the baby never developed. I thought I was pregnant, my body thought I was pregnant…I had to have a d & c the same day. It was Sept. 6, 2005

I just couldn’t believe it had happened again. All of the comforting statistics…I’m sure you’ve heard them yourself…once you lose a baby to miscarriage the likelihood of it happening again is decreased… Although that is supposed to be a true statistic, it did not apply to me. I asked the doctor if we were now eligible for any sort of testing…and we are not until we have had three miscarriages. Why would I put myself, my family, or my husband back through this again, especially if something is truly wrong with me?

We have now gone through preliminary testing. My husband has had a semen analysis and I have had a HSG, which is an x-ray of your abdomen to make sure your tubes are open. Both checked out okay. Since we had now been trying for more than 6 months since my 2nd miscarriage, my doctor agreed to try clomid and IUI. I tried not to get my hopes up as its success rate is only 20%. Let’s face it, odds have never exactly gone in my favor. It failed.We repeated the IUI with clomid…then injectible drugs…and repeated it again. Five unsuccessful IUI’s, on we go in this quest of mother/father-hood.

I did handle my second miscarriage a little better emotionally. I guess it is because I knew what to expect this time around. There are days that I think I am strong. Don’t let that fool you…there were/still are days that I cry so much that I don’t know how I could not be dehydrated when I finally get myself together. The emptiness is still in the depth of my soul, and no matter what I do, I don’t know how to fill it.

I am back in church now. I have made some changes in my life which can only be to my benefit. I pray…I have tried and tried to give this problem to God. On days I think I have. Then there are days that I know I haven’t, but I am just not sure what to do differently. There are days that I just simply go through the motions of life…there are days that I catch myself smiling and laughing again though. (Thank you, God)

A few weeks ago, we found out some of our friends are expecting their 2nd. Basically, we were trying when they conceived their first, and now they are pregnant again. Life just seems so unfair at times. “Why, God? What have I done to make You so mad at me?” I have literally watched some people get pregnant, have babies, and now their children are turning THREE since K and I have been trying to have our first child.It seems everywhere I look are pregnant women: on television, at shopping centers, work, church…and I am not one of them. It kills me.

My prayers, His promises...I just have to keep faith. Good days/Bad days. That’s just the way life is for me/us now. We just pray and pray and pray…I haven't been able to put it in God’s hands…not because of my lack of faith in Him, I just don't know how. I just pray. Every time I think about it now, I just pray! Even when I’m all prayed out—I just pray. I know that prayer is what has gotten me through the last few years spiritually and emotionally, not to mention has only helped our marriage become better and stronger.

Some people think I need to consider seeking professional help, because I am always so sad. How do you seek help for mourning a dream you have? K and I have agreed it's time to do IVF...we at first didn't want to tell anyone, because to be honest, it's somewhat embarrassing to me as a woman. But I am seeking anyone's advice who has been down this road before and can offer any guidance. It's not a guarantee, but it's a new journey of itself and is completely new to us since we don't know anyone personally who has gone through this.

So that's why I'm here...My prayers, His promises. I am going to lean on other Christian women who can help pray me through this journey. I want to pray for you too, whatever your circumstances may be. I know now that I am not alone in this, nor am I the only person who has gone through something this "life-changing." It has changed my life--every single aspect.

Thanks for reading this, I know it has been lengthy. Thank you for giving me somewhere to express these feelings. Thank you for the new friends I will meet and the prayer partners I will gain. Thank you, Lord, in advance for how you will use this blog for Your glory.