Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Rest Stop...

Yesterday, I had the much dreaded talk with the RE about my cd3 tests. Please excuse the randomness of this post, as I feel like I am still on information overload right now as I am trying to take everything all in....

The RE immediately told us that we were declined for the Shared Risk Program (where we have 6 IVF cycles-3 of which are donor eggs-and if you still don't have a child, you are reimbursed for 70% of costs. Why was I declined?...Elevated FSH. Nevermind that I was told last week by the nurse that the doc wanted me to do an Efort test. Nevermind that K and I were completely caught off guard that our application had been reviewed. Apparently, to be considered for the SRP your FSH must be below 10. I was 14.7...so I have a poor ovarian reserve, accompanied by all those other borderline results from cd3. IVF is a no go...with my eggs.

Paraphrasing the doctor's "talk," it's not impossible to conceiving naturally, but medically it's unlikely since the odds are stacked against us. The RE suggested we strongly consider donor eggs, and he recommends using an anonymous donor (as with his expertise, when families use designated donors it's just too much to process for most mothers). He said if we agreed to use donor eggs that SRP would approve us on the spot and the guarantee becomes 100% refund if you don't have a baby.

Sounds too good to be true...and is. The cost increased to $21,000. So, it's a catch-22. Today, we also found out that in addition to the $21,000 we would have to come up with $14,000 in additional funds for labs, doctor fees, meds, etc. Also, if it failed for each additional IVF cycle you have to again come up with the additional $14,000 to proceed. When we were barely going to be able to afford the $15,000 monthly payment (maxing out our credit card) accompanied by daycare and costs associated with a child should it be successful... realistically, this is no longer an option. This could cost more than our house, and it seems like a rip off that doctors are profiting off of innocent people's misery...

I think this is the end for us...at least a rest stop where we take a deep breath and ponder what on Earth we could possibly do to come up with that much $.

I was an emotional mess yesterday. I don't know how I feel today...kind of numb to everything. My husband said he would sale his truck, and I love him for offering, but No... Maybe we just aren't financially ready...maybe I need to accept that this is just the way life is...Since we won't be using my defective eggs, we really have no need to rush things... How do I tell my heart to move on? How do I tell it to wait any longer? We've already been waiting 4 years... and I know that I am this miserable person to be around right now because my heart has been torn out of my chest...

I know this is God's plan, and when I think about all the things I did wrong, I deserve so much worse...but I am so angry. I've been slowly withdrawing from Church, God, Family, Friends...I feel like I am in a rut. Two weeks ago, I started reading my Bible again and it's providing some much need comfort admist all this pain... God knows how I feel and the desires of my heart, and I have to just hold on to the promise that He will answer my prayer one day.

Praying for a Miracle now...

7 comments:

Alison said...

Hello. Just started reading your blog. I'm sorry for the not so good news. Most of the time it is so hard to accept "God's will" or "God's timing" but deep down, I know that His way is perfect and His timing is always on-time.

Deidre said...

Hi Elaine! Wow, I was shocked when you left me a comment on my blog. I didn't even realize you still read it. I haven't heard from you, but have thought of you SO much and wondered how you were doing. Forgive me for not just e-mailing you to find out.

I'm so glad you started this blog. What a cool way to journal your thoughts, but to also get encouragment from others going through the same thing.

I'm sorry about your test results. I'm relieved that you sought help from another doctor, though. At least you have some answers.

Please keep your head up - and, by up - I mean pointed toward the Lord. I know that's difficult, but He knows where you are and He hurts when you hurt. I'm continuing to pray for you and K. Don't pull away from your family, friends and church. Nothing good came come of that. I completely understand why you would want to, but try to press on and let others encourage you!!

Let me know what's up with you. I'm so glad you commented and got back in touch with me. I'm praying for you, sweet friend!

Chris said...

Hi, I'm so sorry about the news you have received. It just really stinks. It's made all the worse when finances have to be considered. Believe me, I know where you are coming from. Our IVF cycle is $15,000. For one cycle. With no guarantees. No shared risk. We have taken out an equity line of credit on our house. Payments are interest only, and the interest is tax deductible. Plus we can pay it off longer, so the monthly payments are lower. You might check into it if you have some equity in your house. I'm praying for peace for you as you consider your options.

singletracey said...

I am so sorry.... I just got the news yesterday that my eggs are no good. I hate that finances play such a huge role in some of us becoming pregnant. It is a complicated journey.. but it is God's will.

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

I just read your post and I am really feeling for you right now. I can't even begin to think of words that would make you feel better. So many cliches come to mind, but I know how it is when people give them to me. I will absolutely keep you in my prayers. It is so unfortunate that money becomes the obstacle for something that is priceless. Please try to keep your friends, church, and family around you at the this time. Remember...miracles do happen!

Hez said...

Caught you via Lost & Found. Just wanted to send hugs and prayers for peace for you.

Searching said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the results and not being able to do the shared risk. I hope you are able to have peaceful moments and I'll keep you in my prayers.