Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Healing will Come...

It's been a while since I've had time to write anything Infertility related. So, this post has been swimming around in my head for quite sometime....

When I had my first miscarriage back in December 2004, I seriously didn't think the heartache would ever leave me. I was devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken. It had taken Kyle and I over a year to get pregnant, so when we were, I wanted to shout it for everyone to hear. And, I did. It was Christmas--the happiest time of the year-- and I was happy for that moment.

When I went to the ER because I was having some issues, I was in initial shock (I think). I mean, miscarriages happen. I'd heard they did. But, they didn't happen to me. I felt so embarrassed to tell all the people who I'd told days earlier that I loss the baby. I felt robbed of the joy I'd been given. The time hadn't be enough for me. I felt like a failure as a woman, but more importantly, a failure as a wife.

I sit back now and even as I watch my two boys playing, I feel this pain that can be so fresh. I wonder all the "what if's..." that we (as women do) to make ourselves feel even worse. What if I'd stop drinking Pepsi... What if I hadn't lifted the heavy groceries...what if...what if...what if.

Now I wonder what would this child look like? Would he/she resemble Kade or Kohen. Would he/she have dark hair and eyes like their daddy? Even as a mom, I still wonder...I wonder what my family would have looked like if I had sustained this pregnancy...or the next one, which I also loss to miscarriage....

Many of my readers have felt this loss recently, and quite frankly, I can't justly describe with words what it really feels like. But I can tell you on this side of the pain, that you will find will come. Take the time that you need to grieve. This IS/WAS an important loss no matter who makes you feel otherwise. It is a hard loss...a precious life you were given even if for only a moment. You are forever changed by this experience...but don't let it make you give up.

Your desire to have children WILL be greater than any reservations you feel about pending miscarriage. The truth is: If it's going to happen, it will. You can't stop matter how hard you try or how often you beat yourself up over the what if's... turn your sorrow into something positive...hold your friend's hand who is also having one. Reach out to someone else who is struggling with fertility. We--women--are a strong, valuable resource to each other. If any good can come from sorrow, then your suffering was not in vain.

Love and prayers to you all! XO!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Weekend Recap

It's seriously Monday already. Where did the weekend go? I think I'm gradually snapping out of this funk which has kept me down the past few weeks. I actually went on a short weekend trip with my family...camping. I. Am. Not. A. Camper. I told Kyle the entire time I was there, "I'm cold."..."Ugh!!! The bugs!" "The smoke makes my clothes smell." I'm pretty sure he won't be asking me to go again! Ha!

Actually, it isn't the camping that gets to me. It's any weekend trip. They are so much work for a short time. It's just not worth it to me. I'd rather take fewer longer trips than many short ones. Not to mention, I packed for everyone...except me. Literally. I forgot clothes to sleep in. I only packed 1 shirt and 2 pairs of shorts. I had to borrow one of Kyle's shirts to wear home today--because he had 4!!!!

I think I need a really long vacation. We took Kade to play at a park near our campsite, and when I glanced down I noticed I had on 2 different flip flops. I may be losing my mind...Ha! You've also heard me make mention of postponing my teacher certification. I still have plans to postpone that; however, last week I bid on a promotion at my current employer. I had 4 interviews on Thursday, and my final interview is tomorrow. I was 1 of 5 candidates who were being interviewed, so I would appreciate your prayers. If I don't get it, life will go on. I do feel as if change is imminent for me in the near future. I love my coworkers and supervisor, but my heart is not in my job any longer. I need change. Quickly!

I hope you all are having a restful weekend. We have VBS at church this week, so look for pictures throughout the week!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Part 2

This has been a terrible week. I'm seriously beginning to question what on Earth is going on in this crazy world we live in. Does anyone feel as if the end of the world is near? Did you all miss the predicted rapture as I did?


Funk continues.

Last week, of my friend's nephews died. His dad put together a set of bunk beds for him. When they got up the next morning, they found him dead. He was 2. Same age as Kade. He hung himself--no one knows how. Just a freak accident. My heartaches for his family. I can't imagine what they are going through. So very sad. Please add them to your prayer list.

Earlier this week, one of my coworker's died. I never met him "formally," but had seen him a hundred million times in passing. Never once did I say "hi." Never once did I share Jesus with him. I just went on my way. He was crushed to death in another freak accident when a truck backed into him as he was at a loading dock door. (I work for a big food distributor in the South East.) He leaves behind a wife of 30 years and two children. Please pray for his family too. Also, the driver who hit him. I don't know how I could accept that I caused someone else's death even if I wasn't at fault--as he was not.

Zahra Baker. The child who stole the hearts of the entire world. She was from where I live. Literally. I have to drive pass the Baker's last place of residency every single day. I see her picture and wonder how in the world anyone---ANYONE could harm such a sweet, innocent child. I can't wrap my head around how such terrible things could have happened to her. How many times did people turn a blind eye to her circumstances? She was clearly living in her own personal Hell on Earth, and it truly breaks every ounce of my soul--down to my very being.

What is happening to this world? Where did so many things go wrong?

Jesus, come quickly~ We need you desperately!