Wednesday, November 9, 2011

30 Days of Thanksgiving!

Hello Friends!

 

Many of you are already giving thanks for the many blessings in your life!  I’m so in love with those kinds of posts =)  They seriously make my heart happy!  If you haven’t started, you aren’t too late to play!  Jump right in!

 

I’m doing most/all of my posting over on Killian Corner now!  I invite you to follow along by email or Google reader.  

 

Love and prayers to all of you!  Tis the season of Miracles!  (Praying for many, many, MANY answered prayers!)

 

 

 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thankful Thursday

New post here. Don't forget to scroll down to enter the giveaway I'm hosting for Dayspring.

Also, I invite you to follow along on Killian Corner. We would love to have you!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

RFW:Pretty in Print?

New Resolution for Women post here.

Need a Christmas gift for a child under the age of 10? Don't forget to enter my giveaway by DaySpring here.

I'd love to have you follow along on my new blog Killian Corner! :)

God Bless!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Review and Giveaway from DaySprings/RFW Overflowing Blessing

Review and Giveaway found here. Check it out!

Resolution for Women: Overflowing Blessing found here.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

RFW:The Secret

New post found here. Please become a follower of Killian Corner. I'll also be hosting a review/giveaway from Daysprings this weekend! Check it out!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Resolution for Women: Part 1 This is who I am

I have a new post here. Please follow the Killian Corner. I'll be doing most (if not all of my posting over on my other blog now.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Reason I've been away...

I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't had much to say ever since I received my first (what I feel was) hateful comment. My intuition told me to delete it immediately--I knew there was nothing true in it, but I kind of wished I would have shared it with you all.

After careful consideration and time to reflect and pray, I wish to address you specifically Anonymous. I'll paraphrase your comment, but basically you said that you read most of my posts. You said that you had been trying to have a baby for roughly 2 years, and that you were so disappointed in my quick reaction to stop pursuing foster parenting as soon as I got pregnant. You said you continued to read in hoping that I would finish fostering--and that I was just like everyone else...quick to pity those who haven't been able to conceive. Then you told me in closing thank you for wasting your time.

Ouch! Did you really see me that way?

If you read my blog you will know that while I was pursing fostering, I was also returning to school to be a teacher, right? And that when I found out I was pregnant and continued to pursue my teaching degree, I knew there wasn't enough hours in the day to work full time, go to school, be pregnant, and give a foster child the attention he/she desperately needs and deserves. If you know anything about a foster program, then you know that it isn't just stepping into the parenting role. There are other duties it includes, which aren't limited to parental visits, doctors, and court dates. All of those tasks seemed relatively possible before I conceived my son. I was his only protector, as he was in my womb, and I'm sorry if you don't understand that he was my first priority.

Yes, I did stop pursuing fostering. I will take ownership of that decision. But it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I felt as if I were another adult who was letting children down. I wrestled with the guilt it caused. However, if you continued reading then you would also know it is something that my husband and I plan to revisit once I am finished with school.

But, if you see me as someone who feels pity on those who aren't able to conceive, you couldn't be more off base. I am burdened terribly for those who are journeying through the depths of infertility--a journey I walked for 5 years. I pray for those women numerous times per day, and oftentimes these prayers included you without your knowledge. Tonight I will pray for you specifically and for God to give you your deepest hearts desire. I pray that your prayers will soon be answered in addition to the women whom I've connected with on this blog.

I realize I open myself up to negative feedback by posting online. However, I never meant to make anyone feel as if I was flaunting in their face that I was no longer infertile. It will always be part of who I am. I had hoped that my story would give hope to those who had loss all faith in miracles. That was once me, and I felt so alone. If I could make any other person feel less alone...if that is your definition of pity...please seek God to soften your hardened heart.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Boring...

Some of this is repost from my Family Blog.  I actually meant to post my update here.

********

I’ve been a little MIA in blog land.  I wish I had something exciting to report…

 

My life may be summed up with one word these days:  Boring!  (Although that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.)  Since I last blogged I’ve survived American Literature, gone on a trip to Jamaica, and read Twilight.  I know, I know…I think I am the last person on Earth to read that book, and actually I wasn’t very impressed.  In my opinion it didn’t live up to the media hype, so I’m in no hurry to read the next book.  I guess I just think vampires are dumb. 

 

Moving on.

 

On Friday, I found out that I didn’t get a job that I had interviewed for back in June.  I’m really discouraged with my career right now as I’ve reach a stagnant point within my company.  I found this bible verse that I have taped to my computer now:

“When anxiety was GREAT within me,

Your CONSOLATION brought joy to my soul.”

(Psalm 94:19)

 

I am praying for contentment as I hold on a little longer to my current job.  I’m unhappy and that makes it terribly hard to come in everyday.  Long story short, although I have worked for my company for 13 years—it’s the only full time job I’ve ever had—and despite the fact that I have an Associates and Bachelor’s degree in Accounting…not to mention I am 6 classes away from my second Bachelor’s degree in Middle Grades Education, I am constantly told that I lack business experience.  I just don’t get how I am supposed to obtain business experience if my company isn’t willing to let me grow.  If anything, it reaffirmed my decision to return to school to teach (something that I know I will LOVE!).  But, it doesn’t make it any easier to stay working there until I can move on to teaching.

 

On a more happier note…

Jamaica was amazing.  My husband and I went on a trip for our 8th anniversary.  We really couldn’t afford to splurge but did anyway.  Our lives are so full of chaos that we oftentimes neglect each other.  We missed our boys terribly.  It was really great to get away, but equally wonderful to get back to life as we know it.

 

I must apologize to those of you who read this blog.  I really don’t have anything blog worthy to report in my absence.  Thank you to those of you who have emailed me.  It’s so nice to feel missed J

 

I intended to continue with my James Bible study over at my family blog soon.  I’m finally finding some down time to ponder over the next segment.  Ironically it’s “Listening and Doing” (and has so much about being slow to speak when angry)!  Don’t you just love that we serve a Lord with a sense of humor.  He doesn’t fail to teach me something new every day!  Love That!

 

Elaine

 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Happenings...

Nothing really exciting going on in our lives right now.  I’m finishing up my summer semester for school, so I’ve been cramming in last minute assignments.  I’m the worst procrastinator.  I really hope that when I’m a teacher that I don’t forget what it’s like to be a student.  Sometimes, life is so busy it’s hard to fit in everything.  Also, I discovered that I’m not so much a fan of American Literature…hmm…who knew? 

 

Moving On.

 

The only other exciting things going on are that Kohen finally started crawling.  I only thought my life was busy before then.  I’m constantly chasing him around the house now.  If he isn’t trying to crawl up the stairs, he is putting dog food in his mouth.  Yuck!  He’s a very busy little man, I tell ya!  I fully anticipate he’ll be walking by the time he’s 12 months old! 

 

Kade is potty training.  He’s 2 ½ so I figured it was time.  Let me tell you, the best purchase I’ve made in a long time was a kitchen timer for $2.97.  When the bell rings Kade proudly exclaims, “It’s time to go potty!”  Bingo!  (And sometimes I don’t think I know what I’m doing!) 

 

Other than this, Kyle and I are patiently waiting until our vacation to Jamaica in less than 3 weeks.  It’s extremely overdue for our hectic lives.  It will be the first time we’ve left our boys for an extended length of time, so I’m somewhat sad about that.  Shoot, I’m really sad about that!  However, I know that going to school and having children has diverted our attention in other directions, so we’ve had little time to spend alone with each other.  We need it.  I’m really excited about quality time alone.  We’ll be celebrating our 8th anniversary in paradise :)

 

Hope you all are doing well!  

 

 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 5)

The conclusion to the Faith and Endurance Series I'm hosting at my other blog, Killian Corner can be found here! Check it out!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 1)

Here is my first post if you are interested in reading along or adding to the thoughts I have.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bible Study: James the Just




Hello Friends! I am hosting my first bible study over at Killian’s Corner. I was reading Revelations when the book of James caught my attention. So, for now Revelations is on hold. So, hop on over if you would like to join in!



Topics included in James (the biblical book), taken strait from the NLV Bible include:



  • Faith and Endurance

  • Listening and Doing

  • Warning against Prejudice, Judging Others, and Self Confidence

  • Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead

  • Controlling the Tongue

  • True Wisdom Comes from God

  • Drawing Closer to God

  • Warning to the Rich

  • Patience in Suffering

  • The Power of Prayer

  • Restoring the Wandering Believer


Happy Wednesday!



Sunday, July 10, 2011

My Testimony (Part 5)




Jan 4, 1998 I was involved in a terrible car accident. I don't really remember what exactly happened, but I've been told that I ran off of the road and overcorrected, hitting another vehicle. The one thing I hated most about myself--my petite size--saved my life. The space that was left between what was once the front fender and my drivers seat was literally just small enough for my small broken body to fit in. I had broken both of my legs, my lung had collapsed, and I had fractured my pelvis. I was airlifted to a trauma hospital where I spent several days in ICU and had undergone several surgeries. But,....I was alive. God's grace had abundantly blessed me once again. I was also taught a very important life lesson: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalms 139:14)

Skipping forward to today, I have an incredible life. My husband, Kyle, loves me well above what I ever once considered "love" to be like. I know now, thanks to Kyle, how great love can be. A few weeks ago, I was reading court documents when I came across my old boyfriend's name. He had been charged with larceny. I shudder to think of what kind of life I would have today hadn't God intervened. When I went through the infertility stuff, I again lost sight of my body being "wonderfully made." I felt like a failure...and the Enemy wanted nothing more than me to feel that way as he tried again to fill my head and heart full of lies. There were times I bought in to his lies...there were times I stood steadfast on God's word. And God continued to give me mercy and grace to sustain the worst of circumstances.
I could continue on and on about my testimony, especially including bits and pieces of my infertility journey, but I will stop here. I'll just say this: I may not like who I am at times, but God has made me exactly as he intended to. I am saved. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am new. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and you can be too if you ask him into your heart. He will give you mercy and grace to sustain the worse of circumstances too.

Friday, July 8, 2011

My Testimony (Part 4)

It was my fault he called.  I reached out to his family—probably the best part of our relationship.  I knew they were worried about me since I had tried to take my own life.  And, they were the last part of the hold he had on me. 

 

He told me all those same things…”he loved me…”; “he would change…”;  blah, blah, blah….  And you would have thought I would have had the courage to say “No.”  He had been dishonorably discharged from the Navy for who knows what…”but things would be different.” 

 

“No, I’ve had enough.”  And, I’d like nothing more than to be able to say that is so, but it wasn’t.  I was vulnerable.  I felt all alone in my new high school.  I was having a really hard time making friends.  I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown.  I wasn’t making good grades or sleeping well at night.  And, my family who had offered to do this favor to me by “taking me in” was exposing me to worse circumstances of partying and drugs.  I knew I couldn’t stay there…but I had nowhere else to turn. 

 

I’m ashamed to say that I called for a cab to take me back to the boyfriend…All I can say in my defense is, “Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself.”  Part of my reason for returning was homesickness.  I missed what were once my friends, my school, and the familiarity of what was once my life.  Things were different for a few weeks.  Slowly, they were returning to our “normal” and I could finally see what I once couldn’t: he would never make me happy of love me the way I deserved.  (Think:  “was blind, but now I see” from the hymnal Amazing Grace)  I wasn’t even sure that what I felt for him was “love” at all.  I could see the addiction side of our relationship, but love couldn’t possibly feel this bad.  This was never going to work because he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed…and that was Jesus.  I need Him more than the boyfriend…and this was probably the turning point in my life.

 

One day, I snapped out of the nightmare…enough was enough.  (I often tell friends or loved ones who are struggling in their relationships that one day this feeling will come…)  It was over.  The good parts of us, the bad parts of us…they were over.  I swallowed my big dosage of pride—as hard as it was—and I moved back home to my parents house.  Like God, they welcomed me with open arms.  We had plenty of mending of our relationship to do, but we agreed to pray our way through it and let God handle the rest…

 

Slowly, we fell back into a new normal.  God was doing a work in my life that I couldn’t explain.  I had a hunger for Him and to be better person—looking to Him for what I was lacking in the world.  His grace had brought me to this turning point in my life and I had to choose…And I chose Him.  I called up my parent’s pastor who immediately came to my home.  He led me to the Lord in my parent’s living room.  And, he gave me this bible verse to help “forgive myself” for some of the decisions I had made:

 

Isaiah 43:18

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

It was a direct commandment from the Lord to not remember my past.  And, the preacher also gave me this verse which explained to me that I was “new.”

2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

A new me!  Exactly what I needed.  I couldn’t remember how to be the old me, and I didn’t want to be the most recent “former” me either.  NEW.  Forgiven.  Redeemed.  Happy. 

 

The months brought new welcomed healing to my life and family.  Then we were all caught off guard by a terrible accident…one that again (almost) took my life. 

 

More to come.

 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Testimony (Part 3)

(Continuing from Part 1 and Part 2…  Wow, I knew this would be lengthy, but I have no idea how many “parts” there will be…)

 

….”Elaine, I met this girl in FL and she’s pregnant.”

 

I had no idea what my boyfriend was saying to me.  I was caught off guard.  It stung.  How could this be?  He loved me.  I “loved” him.  He had proposed to me.  We were getting married….

 

As much as those words hurt me, I never imagined what the next would do to me.  He said, “I don’t love you anymore.”  The one person that I had given up everything for…I was alienated from my friends and family who warned me of his ways…and that one person didn’t love me anymore?!? 

 

I cried until it was impossible for me to make anymore tears.  I begged.  Pleaded.  I still “loved” him, and I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t love me back.  Have you ever seen the movie The Dairy of a Mad Black Woman?  The wife leaves kicking and screaming…  That was me.  I felt I had nothing left…I had shamed my family and friends.  I had no where else to go.  I couldn’t possibly go back home to my parents house.  Remember?  I was completely convinced that they didn’t love me either for supporting my relationship.  I was desperate…and hope was lost for me.

 

By this point the boyfriend had left to go back to FL.  He left me crying and pleading for his love.  I’m sure I looked crazy.  He was an addiction I had for the past two years, and I couldn’t even remember my life before him (never mind without him).  So, I attempted suicide by swallowing 24 Tylenol.  I wanted to die—for something, anything, to take that pain away for me.  I think I imagined that I would calmly drift off to sleep where I would die and wake up to the face of God.  Instead I became so violently ill as my body was trying to save me from myself.  Well, I say my body, but I firmly believe it was the hand of God. 

 

I remember I found the strength from somewhere (or Someone) to crawl to the telephone.  In my distraught I didn’t even think of calling 911 (crazy, huh?)  I called one of my only friends who had stood by me…I told her what I had done and begged her to come and get me and take me to the hospital.  I can remember it taking her 4 hours to finally come and pick me up, what would have been a 30 minute drive at most.  But, thankfully, she did come, and I am forever indebted to her for that.   

 

I spent a few days in the hospital for the overdose.  I can remember having to drink something that smelled like sewer water to counteract the Tylenol.  (THAT alone is reason enough to never do this!)  I don’t know if you all know this or not, but Tylenol is damaging to your liver, and I had damaged about 30% of mine.  Yet, doctors were very hopeful that I would recover. 

 

I spent the next week in a psychiatric hospital learning healthier ways to cope with my depression and self-esteem issues, mending my family relationships, and learning to live again.  It was a struggle and I dealt with new issues:  Anger toward God for saving me from myself.  The hurt I felt from that boyfriend was still there, and underneath it all was the “love” I had for him.  I didn’t know who I was or how to be me again.

 

Please note, I don’t fault the boyfriend for this or point my finger at him in anyway.  I take complete ownership of my actions.  Although he mistreated me and had completely broken what was left of my heart and spirit—those are his faults—I had done this. Me.  This was my fault.

 

Hoping things would be better and starting with a clean slate, I moved away from home in with an Aunt and Uncle who offered to take me in.  My parents and I were not ready to co-exist.  We, too, had some things to work through, but I was on overload already, so as important as my parents were, they had to be on the backburner for now.

 

Changing high schools in your Junior year is TERRIBLE.  I was again swallowed up by the population of my school, and I didn’t know anyone.  For the first time in my life, I was forced to rely on me…and it wasn’t very reliable…

 

Then the boyfriend found me…and he called.  Again.

 

More to come.

 

(Thank you again to all of you have read this and/or sent words of encouragement for me to share my testimony.  It is getting a little easier every day, although the hesitation is still present…)

 

 

 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

My Testimony (Part 2)


I had a moment yesterday after hitting “post” where I felt sick to my stomach. There was no going back now. If you read Part 1, thank you. I have chosen to break this up into several posts due to its length.


So…


I met this boy in high school. He was a senior; I was a freshman. It was at the end of the school year and I signed his yearbook. I wrote the random, “Congratulations on graduation! Keep in touch!” and left my phone number. I never imagined he would call me for any reason. I barely knew him, and he couldn’t be interested in me, anyway. Only—he did call. For the first time in a very long time, I felt noticed.


He did all of those sweet things to make a girl feel special: he wrote me sweet love letters and told me he loved me. By this time, I was spending so much time with him that I had alienated most of my friends. My parents had forbidden us to see each other (because they could obviously see something that I couldn’t). Yet, I found a way to see him. He was like an addiction to me. I couldn’t think of anyone else or anything besides the life he was promising me. He loved me, and if my parents loved me too, they would want me to be happy…


One day, my mother and I had a very heated argument. I decided the next day while my parents were working that I was moving out. And, I did. At the age of 16, I packed my car full of everything I could take, and I left home. My parents knew where I was and even came with a police officer once to bring me back home. However, because of the heated argument my mom and I had, social services/child welfare could not make me leave. I was trying to go to school, working part time, and living with my boyfriend and his family. I had made some very adult like decisions. I felt he was worth the sacrifice. He had given me an engagement ring to profess his love for me, after all.


As time went on, my boyfriend was slowly revealing himself. He had been unfaithful to me numerous times, and I was always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt to change. What was there left to lose? I had already given up my family and most of my friends. He decided to enlist in the Navy and was sent to boot-camp, then later being stationed in FL. All of this time, I was living with his family…”loving” him faithfully and counting down the days until I was 18 and could join him. I had our life all mapped out. (Anyone else ever do that?) “We would get married and live on the naval base. My parents would eventually come around after they saw how happy I was.”


As a few months passed by, we eventually moved into our own place. I was still in NC while he was in FL and the separation felt like he was on the other side of the moon. I “loved” him…


And he loved me so much he impregnated another girl in FL. I was in initial shock. I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt the deepest hurt and sadness beyond anything I had ever felt before. In that moment, I wanted to die.


More to come.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My Testimony (Part 1)

I’ve been contemplating this post for quite some time.  I’m not sure why I hesitate to “post” every time I start writing it.  Perhaps it’s my fear of being judged by others who will know my imperfections.  It’s never easy sharing one’s “dirty laundry” with the world…unless, of course, you are on F@cebook...Ha!  Even then, it’s not something I choose to do.  So, put up with with me while I muster up the courage to write this post.

 

Anyone out there have a testimony?  I do, and it goes beyond my infertility woes although that later became a HUGE part of it.  I’m walking, talking proof that God can take a big ol’ mess and turn it into a testimony.  I aspire to be proof that in the heartache you feel whatever your circumstances may be that you can encourage someone else and use that heartache for the greater good.  I don’t know why He loved me enough to save me time and time again from tragedy?  I don’t know why He finally answered my prayers to have children.  I can’t wrap my head around the love He has for me when I deserve none of His time and attention.  After all, that is what He was getting from me: none of my time or attention.  I’ve only shared this story twice before.  Can you tell I’m babbling?

 

The first time I gave my testimony was to the youth at our church several years ago—who I desperately wanted to speak to.  I wanted God to use me and my life to prevent those kids from repeating some of the mistakes that I did.  I can recall standing at the podium and my voice was shaking (as it often does when I am nervous).  Thankfully, I had typed out my testimony so I was able to just stand up and read it to the youth who were staring at me.  I’m not sure they “got” what I was trying to say to them; maybe they did, maybe that didn’t.  Kyle was sitting in the audience and I was mostly nervous of what he would think of me.  These specific parts of my past life which I was disclosing (to what felt like the world) even he hadn’t heard me speak of.

 

The second time I gave my testimony it was over email.  I went out on a limb and sent it to a young girl who was traveling down the same road as I had once walked.  A hard, curvy, breaking road—and I wanted to save her from making the same potential mistakes I had made, to spare her any heartache she would later cast on her family or self.  I’m not sure it was very effective either.  And I have no idea, even now, if posting it here on the web will truly matter. 

 

 So here goes…

 

My life was virtually perfect…until I went to high school.  At that time I felt as though I had been swallowed up.  I was invisible.  Like many other kids my age, I felt inadequate.  I was extremely skinny and often teased for my “lack” of development elsewhere.  I can recall people calling me names like “Skinny Minnie” and “Stringbean.”  Those seem harmless, right?  Those were the names which began my bouts with depression and low self esteem. 

 

The first boy who noticed me turned my life completely upside down.  My parents didn’t support my relationship which only made me more rebellious.  (Is anyone else out there who think they knew more than their parents at 16?!?)  He often told me how much he loved me which made me feel special.  But he also told me how much my parents must NOT love me because they wouldn’t allow us to be together…eventually, I believed him.  My parents couldn’t possibly love me…

 

More to come.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Notes from the past...

Anyone out there notetakers???? [...as I wave my hand frantically]. I often think it's why I have been such a successful student all of these years. I firmly believe if you pay attention in class, you can skim read most subjects and get what you need to know...

Anyway, I also take notes at church. In case I haven't told you all, I looooooove my church. We are blessed to have two very gifted "teacher" preachers who preach truth. As I was going through some of my past notes, I asked myself, "Why not share them with the world?!?" If you want to check them out, then jump over here and become a follower of Killian Corner. I'm working on my first post now. I also am studying the book of Revelations and will be sharing some things on that as well.

I hope you all are having a wonderful 4th of July! God Bless the men and women who have served--past, present, and future--so that I can celebrate independence with my family.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Healing will Come...

It's been a while since I've had time to write anything Infertility related. So, this post has been swimming around in my head for quite sometime....

When I had my first miscarriage back in December 2004, I seriously didn't think the heartache would ever leave me. I was devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken. It had taken Kyle and I over a year to get pregnant, so when we were, I wanted to shout it for everyone to hear. And, I did. It was Christmas--the happiest time of the year-- and I was happy for that moment.

When I went to the ER because I was having some issues, I was in initial shock (I think). I mean, miscarriages happen. I'd heard they did. But, they didn't happen to me. I felt so embarrassed to tell all the people who I'd told days earlier that I loss the baby. I felt robbed of the joy I'd been given. The time hadn't be enough for me. I felt like a failure as a woman, but more importantly, a failure as a wife.

I sit back now and even as I watch my two boys playing, I feel this pain that can be so fresh. I wonder all the "what if's..." that we (as women do) to make ourselves feel even worse. What if I'd stop drinking Pepsi... What if I hadn't lifted the heavy groceries...what if...what if...what if.

Now I wonder what would this child look like? Would he/she resemble Kade or Kohen. Would he/she have dark hair and eyes like their daddy? Even as a mom, I still wonder...I wonder what my family would have looked like if I had sustained this pregnancy...or the next one, which I also loss to miscarriage....

Many of my readers have felt this loss recently, and quite frankly, I can't justly describe with words what it really feels like. But I can tell you on this side of the pain, that you will find healing...it will come. Take the time that you need to grieve. This IS/WAS an important loss no matter who makes you feel otherwise. It is a hard loss...a precious life you were given even if for only a moment. You are forever changed by this experience...but don't let it make you give up.

Your desire to have children WILL be greater than any reservations you feel about pending miscarriage. The truth is: If it's going to happen, it will. You can't stop it...no matter how hard you try or how often you beat yourself up over the what if's... turn your sorrow into something positive...hold your friend's hand who is also having one. Reach out to someone else who is struggling with fertility. We--women--are a strong, valuable resource to each other. If any good can come from sorrow, then your suffering was not in vain.

Love and prayers to you all! XO!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Weekend Recap

It's seriously Monday already. Where did the weekend go? I think I'm gradually snapping out of this funk which has kept me down the past few weeks. I actually went on a short weekend trip with my family...camping. I. Am. Not. A. Camper. I told Kyle the entire time I was there, "I'm cold."..."Ugh!!! The bugs!" "The smoke makes my clothes smell." I'm pretty sure he won't be asking me to go again! Ha!

Actually, it isn't the camping that gets to me. It's any weekend trip. They are so much work for a short time. It's just not worth it to me. I'd rather take fewer longer trips than many short ones. Not to mention, I packed for everyone...except me. Literally. I forgot clothes to sleep in. I only packed 1 shirt and 2 pairs of shorts. I had to borrow one of Kyle's shirts to wear home today--because he had 4!!!!

I think I need a really long vacation. We took Kade to play at a park near our campsite, and when I glanced down I noticed I had on 2 different flip flops. I may be losing my mind...Ha! You've also heard me make mention of postponing my teacher certification. I still have plans to postpone that; however, last week I bid on a promotion at my current employer. I had 4 interviews on Thursday, and my final interview is tomorrow. I was 1 of 5 candidates who were being interviewed, so I would appreciate your prayers. If I don't get it, life will go on. I do feel as if change is imminent for me in the near future. I love my coworkers and supervisor, but my heart is not in my job any longer. I need change. Quickly!

I hope you all are having a restful weekend. We have VBS at church this week, so look for pictures throughout the week!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Part 2

This has been a terrible week. I'm seriously beginning to question what on Earth is going on in this crazy world we live in. Does anyone feel as if the end of the world is near? Did you all miss the predicted rapture as I did?

Ugh.

Funk continues.

Last week, tragically....one of my friend's nephews died. His dad put together a set of bunk beds for him. When they got up the next morning, they found him dead. He was 2. Same age as Kade. He hung himself--no one knows how. Just a freak accident. My heartaches for his family. I can't imagine what they are going through. So very sad. Please add them to your prayer list.

Earlier this week, one of my coworker's died. I never met him "formally," but had seen him a hundred million times in passing. Never once did I say "hi." Never once did I share Jesus with him. I just went on my way. He was crushed to death in another freak accident when a truck backed into him as he was at a loading dock door. (I work for a big food distributor in the South East.) He leaves behind a wife of 30 years and two children. Please pray for his family too. Also, the driver who hit him. I don't know how I could accept that I caused someone else's death even if I wasn't at fault--as he was not.

Zahra Baker. The child who stole the hearts of the entire world. She was from where I live. Literally. I have to drive pass the Baker's last place of residency every single day. I see her picture and wonder how in the world anyone---ANYONE could harm such a sweet, innocent child. I can't wrap my head around how such terrible things could have happened to her. How many times did people turn a blind eye to her circumstances? She was clearly living in her own personal Hell on Earth, and it truly breaks every ounce of my soul--down to my very being.

What is happening to this world? Where did so many things go wrong?

Jesus, come quickly~ We need you desperately!

Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm in a funk...

I'm in a funk. My blog has been pretty much non-existent lately. I can't snap out of it. I can't talk about it. I can't even process it.


I've been dealing with a lot. I determined I'm not going to get to graduate with my friends. I still need nine classes to finish my Middle Grades Education degree. One of those classes is student teaching for an entire semester which would ensue my quitting my job. The economy is terrible. In NC, teachers are being laid off by the hundreds...thousands in the bigger metropolitan areas. I feel as if I have completely wasted the last three years of my life. I can't justify quitting a job I have now in order to work for free (student teaching) and not get a job because schools are on a hiring freeze. I have a family which I am half-responsible for supporting. I'm not a risk taker. I play it "safe." But I am completely heart broken that I won't be finishing school in 2012 as planned. I may not get to transition into a teaching position for quite some time. It bites.

There is still some animosity within our family. Mother's Day was completely stressful as it was the first gathering since our fall out, and it wasn't my ideal way to spend it. I'm angry still. To remain as "private" as I can on a public blog, I'll just say that after the confrontation, I expected change. And, we haven't gotten it. At all. So, it's fair to say I am even more angry now than before. This bites too.

Other areas in my life are going great. My boys are growing too quickly. Kohen gets his six month well visit this week. We also are having our first family portraits made for our church directory. I started an online class this week for American Literature. I know, I just said I wasted the last three years of my life, and I DO somewhat feel that way. But, I have to finish now that I have invested so much time and energy into this degree. Our finances have suffered and my family have made sacrifices to see me fulfill this dream. I can't let all of that be in vein by not finishing.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Nothing really blog worthy to post at the moment.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Tell Me Thursday: 10 Things I didn't know about IVF until It was Too Late

Hello Ladies! I received my next issue of Stepping Stones newsletter today! I always grab it and head to my reading nook to read-ever-single article in one sitting. Seriously--its THAT good. But perhaps more importantly, it's FREE :) Here is one of the articles in todays issue. I figured even though it specifically refers to IVF, some of you may skip on reading it! Please wait! Stick around for a minute; you will be blessed.
*************************************************************************


Ten Things I Didn't Know About IVF Until It was Too Late


by Angela Mackey BSN, RN



1. Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hop in God not my body: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." [Isaiah 40:31]



2. Getting pregnant did not bring joy. Getting pregnant brought more anxiety about whether I would miscarry and how much longer I had to take shots. I had to find my joy in God alone. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." [Nehemiah 8:10]



3. Artificially stimulated ovaries HURT. My physical pain echoed my emotional spiritual pain. I struggled that getting pregnant should be natural, but for me it was not. I learned to trust God, even though His "...thoughts are not [my] thoughts, neither are [my] ways [His] ways. As the heavens are highter than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than [my] ways and [His] thoughts than [my] thoughts." [Isiah 55:8-9]



4. Loss, loss, and more loss. W amount of eggs did not equal W amount of fertilized eggs. X amount of fertilized eggs did not equal X amount of embryos. Y amount of embryos did not equal Y amount of mature embryos able to be transferred. Z amount of embryos mature enough to transfer did not equal Z amount of pregnancies or babies to hold in your arms. Loss is inevitable, and it is difficult. I had to learn to give our (my husband and mine) embryos to God and trust Him to keep His promise for all of us. "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [Jeremiah 29:11]



5. Artificial hormones take being hormonal to new lows. I had never expereinced true mood swings until IVF. Tears one moment, laughter the next. I had to remind myself that my heart and emotions often try to tell my brain lies. "the heart is deceitful about all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it." [Jeremiah 17:9} So I had to learn the less of 2 Corinthians 10:5, "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I had to tell my emotions the truth from God's word.



6. Part of my heart was in the freezer for four years. God is clear in His word that He loves the unborn. Psalm 139 tells us how He knits babies together. Since life occurs at conception, I had babies in a freezer two and a half hours away from my home for four years. The day I brought home our final embryos I was giddy. A weight was lifted. I mourned the babies I never held in my arms, but at least I got to hold them all in my womb. Jeremiah 1:5 helped me rest in God during those difficult times. It says, "Before I formed you in the womb [or petri dish] I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God had a plan for those precious babies. I was able to be a part of that. I do not understand it all, but I learned to trust in His plans.



7. Telling others was a double-edged sword. IVF is a mystery to most people. When you mention it there are many details people want to know and understand. In order to explain, you must share difficult stories. Then if the cycle is unsuccessful, you have to tell everyone you are not pregnant. However there is also a group of people praying you through each steop of the way. They encourage you, sometimes while placing their feet in their mouths, but being held up in prayer is worth the pain. James 5:126 says "...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective."



8. There was grief in the excitement and possibility. I was excited about the possibilities that IVF offered. I may get pregnant! However, I grieved the loss of getting pregnant the easy way. I learned that often grief and joy go hand-in-hand. That isn't a new concept. Hebrews 12:2-3 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Jesus for the joy before him endured the cross and He did it so that I won't grow weary! Jesus knew the grief and pain but willingly went to the cross for the joy. If Jesus did it for me, then I can do it for the possibility of having children.



9. Loneliness is a lie. The stark statisitics are that 1 in 6 couples experience inferitiliy. The most recent statistic from the CDC say that 7.3 million women in the US alone went to their health care providers about infertility issuess. Not all of them used IVF, but we are NOT ALONE. It is possible that eh woman with three children in your church used IVF. Maybe that sweet couple is longing for kids and has failed multiple IVF attempts. Satan will try to make you feel isolated, alone. We have to remember, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." [Deuteronomy 31:8]



10. IVF changed me forever. I always thought IVF would be a tool to get me more children and then be discarded. I would leave it in my past and continue life as if IVF had never enetered it. Instead, I have discovered that I am forever changed. I am not the same woman I was before IVF, I am better, I am different, I am more compassionate. God used this experience to teach me to say no to myself, my desires, my plans, and say yes to Him, His desires, His plans. Much like Jesus in the garden prayed, "...not my will, but yours be done." I learned to say no to myself and yes to Him regarless of the price.



******************************************************************************
Reprinted by permission from Stepping Stones, a newsletter for infertile
couples published by Bethany Christian Services. For more information
go to www.ssministry.net.
*******************************************************************************
If you have been blessed by this message, I hope you will consider looking into Bethany Christian Services and supporting them with your prayers and/or donations. If you are interesed in receiving the Stepping Stones newsletter, please email stepasst@bethany.org or call (616) 224-7488

They also have a bookstore (www.bethany.org/stepstore) which will contain Christian resources for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can even access a selection of past Stepping Stones artilces by visiting the website http://www.ssministry.net/



I was not prompted to write this promotion for the website. It's just something I felt led to share. It was one of the resources I found to be most helpful while I walked through infertility.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Is anyone out there?!?

Hello Friends! After a short...okay, long...period of time away, I'm back to blogging. I had a terribly busy semester for school which included me writing two instructional design plans (IDP for short if any of you saw me complaining via F@cebook). It's basically a 10 day unit of class material. For my Language Arts unit, I chose to complete an IDP on "Drivers Ed" by Caroline Cooney. Are any of you familiar with that title? It's a Young Adolescent Literature novel where a group of kids decide to steal a stop sign as a celebratory festivities of passing Drivers Ed. In the novel, a young mother gets killed when she is involved in an automobile accident.

Until I was working on this novel, I had no idea that something like this really happened. It probably has happened on several occasions, however the instance I am referring was the first notable case. Three 18 year olds who were driving home from a night of bowling were killed when other teenagers stole a stop sign. The offenders each received 15 years in prison for manslaughter. Crazy, huh? The entire topic of my unit dealt with adult-like themes such as responsibility, honesty, guilt... These are things often forsaken in our classrooms. It doesn't make them any less important, though, does it?

Anywho, that's what I've been up to. It's been a long bumpy ride and I am ready for some down time with my family, friends, and blogger family. I hope to be posting much more frequently in the days ahead. I also have some unfinished business to attend to (...uh-um...like finishing a book review I committed to).

I've spent the last hour or so catching up on all of you! Please know that if I have failed to comment, it isn't because I don't care about you or what you are going through. I have been praying none-the-less. I'm heading to bed now. Please say a quick prayer for my Sweet Kohen. He feels quite rotten today. I took him to the doctor earlier, and I was told "Well, he has fluid on both eardrums, and he has a really bad cold/cough." No crap! But I wasn't given any meds to make him feel better. So, I'm playing the up/down game at night time to check on him. I'm exhausted.

Please continue to pray for my friend, Kara. Unfortunately, the last time I blogged I coveted your prayers for the complications in her pregnancy. I'm deeply saddened to report her little angle has gone to Heaven. I have loss two babies to miscarriage, so I know first head her heartache--many of you know it as well. Please pray her her peace and comfort in the upcoming week.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

What I'm reading...

Hello yall. I have a second to breathe, so I wanted to post a quick update.

First, please hop over and visit my friend Kara! She recently found out she is expecting, but she is having some early complications. She could really use our encouragement, but more-so, our prayers.

Secondly, I found a really cool blog recently, and she has quickly became one of my favorites! Go visit Heather. She is mom who wants to instill solid Christian values in the lives of her daughters. She is posting really cute crafts/projects for parents to do with their kids. Today, she is hosting a carasel for Sharing Values. It's a place to brainstorm all of our ideas for sharing Christian values with our children. It's certainly a post for all of us who strive every day to be a better parents. Check her out!

My friend Joannah is 35 weeks pregnant! She was one of the first bloggy friends I made in my journey to become a mom. I know this is such a bitter-sweet moment for her. She loss her husband to kidney cancer just over a year ago. After his passing, she wrestled with the decision to pursue IVF. It's something they started together. I'm so thankful she went against popular opinion and did. It heartwarming to have followed her journey. She's such a sweet person; she's going to be the best Mommy!

My friend Tiffany is pursuing IVF! She's posted some questions for you IVF'rs. She and her husband have been trying for 5 years to have their first child. So scoot on over and give her your encouragement and prayers too!

And, O!M!Gsh! You have to read this post from Ashley! It is infuriating what PETA is doing in honor of National Infertility Awareness Month! Please jump over and sign the petition and/or send them an email if you feel so inclined to do! I am just fuming. It's going to tick you off, if you are an IF'r. You are forewarned. They have within the last 24hrs removed the wording "in honor of National Infertility Awareness," but seriously...? The damage has been done.

And I am just now getting around to following up on this book blog I posted. I haven't had a chance to read since the Introduction, but things should calm down for me this week. Soon! I know you all are on the edge of your seats :)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Book Give Away!

Hope on over to my friend Glenna's blog! She is giving a way a copy of the book, Adopted for Life! It's sounds so amazing! Check it out!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Whoa...Where have I been?

Wow!?! Has it really been a week since I last posted? Things are so crazy for me right now. The semester is ending in 4 weeks, so it's crunch time to tie up loose ends. And, can you believe another month has came and gone? What happened to March? And February? And January, for that matter? Can you believe Christmas is only 9 months away? Here is a random update on how things are going in our neck of the woods:

  • I have fallen off the wagon pretty much for doing my stairs for Lent! Everything was going so well, but then I missed a day. Which turned into another day...then another. Next thing I know, here it's Friday (almost) and I haven't done stairs all week.

  • It's been really cold and rainy this week. I'm so ready for summer.

  • My sweet nephew, Josef, celebrated a birthday this past week!

  • I had dinner with some of my favorite future teachers last week. These are some of the classmates I have grown so close to over the past three years! I don't know what I'll do when I don't get to see these girls once-twice a week when we graduate.

  • Bobbie, Kim, Me


  • For the past three nights, we've made Kade cry it out in his crib. This part of parenting stinks! Someone should have warned me how hard it would be to hear him sobbing between his "Ma-Maaaaaaaaaaaa's."

  • We also took Kade roller skating! He loved it. At one point, I glanced over and saw this

  • Uncle Shawn, Kade, Kenleigh


  • Kohen is almost 5 months old. He has a cow-lick which makes me call him Alfalfa. You can barely see it in the picture.

  • Still getting the silent treatment from some family members. It's been a month and a half now.

  • Life goes on.


    • That's our life pretty much in a nutshell! I hope you all are having a fantastic week!

      Wednesday, March 23, 2011

      Week of answered prayers!

      Hey Y'all! I hope you are having a blessed week! I am dragging my heels today at work. I probably look something similar to this:





      Last night, I stayed up way too late watching my favorite basketball team LOSE!!!! UGH! If you listened closely, you could probably have heard Kyle screaming at the TV last night. It wasn't a pretty sight.

      Regardless of our loss, thanks Duke for a great season! We will be pulling for any team BUT the Carolina Tarheels for the rest of the NCAA tournament! Few people understand the UNC and Duke rivalry. If you live in the south, you know it's called the Battle of the Blues! You can't be a diehard fan for one, and pull for the other when your team is out of the tournament. It's against the rules. So, despite our loss, we bleed Duke Blue in the Killian household.


      Otherwise, the rest of our week has been very exciting! I've had three very special prayers answered this week.


      My sweet friends Kara, Katy, and Ashley all found out they were expecting this week! I've been praying for all of them for quite sometime. It's very exciting! The Lord is still working miracles every day! Keep the faith Ladies!

      Tuesday, March 22, 2011

      Book Teaser...

      I have my first book to review! I am so excited to read it... Here you will find a little teaser from the pages I read last night:

      "Often we feel life is unfair. Hard times and tough circumstances can trigger self-doubt and despair. I understand that well. But the Bible says, 'Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of any kinds." That is the lesson I struggled many years to learn. I eventually figured it out, and through my experiences I can help you see that most of the hardships we face provide us with opportunities to discover who we are meant to be and what we can share of our gifts to benefit others."

      "...my 'burden' could also be a blessing, offering me unique opportunities for reaching out to others, empathizing with them, understanding their pain, and offering them comfort...neither my faith nor my sense of purpose grew strong until I went through some very scary times."

      "...I despaired over my circumstances , feeling that I would never be 'normal.'...My heart ached. I was depressed, overwhelmed with negative thoughts and didn't see any point in my life. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by family and friends."

      "If you have the desire and passion to do something, and it's within God's will, you will achieve it."

      "You may hit hard times. You may fall down and feel as though you don't have the strength to get back up. I know the feeling...we all do. Life isn't always easy, but when we overcome challenges, we become stronger and more grateful for our opportunities. What really matters are the lives you touch along the way and how you finish your journey."

      And all of these excerpts are from the Introduction!!!!!! I cannot wait to devour this book page for page! Full review and title coming soon!

      Monday, March 21, 2011

      SSMT #6




      I am really late posting my 6th verse for the SSMT 2011. It's taken me some time to pick out a good, appropriate verse. But, alas, I found the perfect one--or two! There's nothing like God revealing Himself in his Word, is there? Especially when you seek Him for guidance and direction. So, he showed Himself to me in two verse's this week...so why not meditate on 2, yes? The more I learn, the better!

      First:
      "Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do."
      (Ephesians 5:17, NLV)


      Second:
      "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV)


      Here are the other verses I have memorized:
      SSMT #5
      "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

      SSMT #4
      "Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23 NIV)

      SSMT #3
      "Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7 NIV)

      SSMT #2
      "Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces." (Proverbs 3:9 NIV)

      SSMT #1
      "Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed." (Joshua 1:8 NIV)

      Winner, Winner!

      Sorry for the delayed post! We've had a really busy weekend! I know that some of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seat, right??? ;)




      Congratulations Kara!!!! Send me a quick email with your address and I'll get the $25 Visa giftcard sent out to you this week! And, since she has already made her big announcement, please go over and congratulate her on her positive pregnancy test :) So exctied for her!


      Thursday, March 17, 2011

      Tell me Thursday: Thankful week

      This has been a week for bullet points:

      • I just finished reading By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters. I posted a review on my other blog here. If you like to read, check it out. It was really good, but more importantly, it was "real." It's a young adult literature novel, and let me just interject here...my, oh my, how books have changed since I was a kid. I read YAL novels because I am going to school to become a middle grades teacher, and I want to be knowledgeable about what books my students will be reading and which books I can recommend.
      • I have a mid-term tonight at school which I am in no way, shape, or form ready for. I have been the epiphany of the procrastinator student this semester. I'd really appreciate your prayers for me to do my best, and that will be good enough for me.
      • Still having some family drama. We are currently getting the silent treatment from members of our family. I wish I could say I don't care, but if I'm honest, I care a lot. Maybe too much. Time heals all wounds right?
      • New Life Lesson Learned: If I would have know then, what I know now I probably wouldn't have "opened the can of worms" with said Family. Nothing has changed. Nothing good has been gained. Although everything we said (both parties) were true, I don't know now that it was worth it.
      • My Sweet Kade has pee-peed in the potty 4 times today! My mom is the best! She keeps my boys during the day, and she works so hard with them. I'm so glad they are in her care and are smothered with hugs and kisses all day long.
      • My Sweet Kade won't sleep in his big boy bed. He wants to snuggle with Mommy, which I am loving a little too much. Daddy, not so much. I think he is scared of the dark :(
      • My Sweet Kohen is teething! I anticipate he will have one come through soon.
      • My Sweet Kohen also had his 4 month well visit this week. He had to get shots. I've never quite seen the shade of red his face turned before. He was so friendly and flirting with his nurses before the shots. I'm pretty sure he broke up with her after that.
      • My husband is the best. Have I told you that lately? He is. I use to want to win the lottery. But now, I look around at my husband, our boys, and the life that we share, and I realize I already have.

      What are you thankful for? Tell me...It's one of the last days to enter to win a $25 visa giftcard. Go to this post to enter now! By the way, I filled up completely my car with gas this week, and it cost $62.25! Ouch!

      Tuesday, March 15, 2011

      Thoughts to ponder...

      Some of the things I hated during our journey...
      • One of my friends told me she was once told by her mother-in-law to watch me while I interacted with my friend's son, H. She, the mother-in-law, said there were statistics that would show people who suffer from miscarriages "sometimes" hurt children. I have no idea why my friend felt the need to share this conversation with me unless it was to prove how closed minded her mother-in-law was at this time. I hated how someone could even suggest such an idea about me. And, newsflash...for every 1 case you can show me of where a woman who has had miscarriages and has hurt a child, I can also show you a grandparent who has.
      • No one understood what was happening to me. I was uncontrollably spiraling downward, and I didn't have anyone in my real life who understood. I didn't even understand. I couldn't make sense of why God had chosen this path for me to walk. He couldn't possibly think I was physically or emotionally stable enough to handle it. When I did, I hated how I was wrong.
      • I hated working. I hated being forced to get out of bed every day and face the reality that was my life. I hated working for a big company because there was always someone who was pregnant. I hated how uncomfortable I felt. I hated the jealousy that fostered in my heart. I hated the pity that my co-workers had for me.
      • Not proud of this next one, but I am keeping it real. I hated God. I hated church. I hated praying. I hated anything that pointed towards that God ways were better than my ways. I hated I had no control and all control was His. I hated anything spiritual which could have helped alleviate some of the pain I felt. I hated waiting on Him to answer my prayers.

      Some of the things I loved during our journey...

      • I loved how I learned some really important life lessons. I learned how to let people's inconsiderate comments roll off my back. I learned that if you haven't walked in my shoe's you were completely oblivious to the hell I was living. I learned that if you hadn't "been there" it wasn't fair for me to blame you for your ignorance. That was once me.
      • I loved how I learned having a baby doesn't make you family. I am quite certain Kyle and I can get through anything now. I know, no matter what, he will be standing right by my side, and I by his. I loved how we found a way to hold on to our love and commitment of "for better or for worse." I loved he loved me enough to stay.
      • I loved how even though I was bitter and angry with God, He still walked beside of me giving me the strength I needed to sustain the circumstances. I loved even when I didn't want to worship Him, He still loved me. I loved the way He understood the hurt and the heartache I felt and how He was using our experience to draw me closer to Him. I am closer to Him.
      • I love how I look at my kids with grateful eyes and an overflowing heart. I don't think I am a better mom than someone who hasn't walked through infertility, but I do feel as though I have an appreciation that can only be gained by struggle. I love how God saved these two sweet, handsome, funny, perfect boys for me when He could have given me different children. I can't imagine my life with any other children but these. His ways are better than mine.
      • I love how medical intervention can be wrong. I love how God pointed out to me that He is in control. Where doctors told me it wouldn't happen, He swooped in and said, "Oh yes it can..."
      • I love my journey to parenthood. The pain, the sorrow, the tears, the prayers, and ultimately the triumph. I loved that my desire for children was greater than my fear...and I love God for choosing me to walk through this path.

      It's the last few days to enter this gi*veaway. Go here to read more. Do you want to be listed under my Support Circle page? It's been updated already with new names.

      Lastly, please go visit Kellie & James on the Support Circle page. They are learning to live again after the loss of a child. Their little girl, Maddie, died three weeks ago unexpectedly to SIDS. She was only 4 months old, the same age as Kohen. She needs our prayers and support.

      Friday, March 11, 2011

      Lots of good stuff going on...

      We had an important week of events to occur in the Killian household this week.


      My Sweet Kade....pee-peed in the potty for the first time.

      He also learned to share with his brother.

      And my Sweet Kohen...

      rolled over from his back to his stomach.

      video

      He also declared his thoughts on the UNC/Miami game from Friday.

      Life is good in the Killian house!