Thursday, August 27, 2009

School and a little chit-chat with K....

I began my fall semester this week, and I am already kicking myself for signing up for 9 credit hours. Sure, 9 hrs doesn't seem like a lot to most students, but it's a lot to anyone who works full time. I have class M-W from 6-9pm. [which means I won't see my husband or child very much during the week, and when I do, I have to prioritize family, friends, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, church, work, shopping, ...and I could go on and on. Seriously, I need about 10 extra hours in each day to get everything finished.]

Last night was the first night of my Adolescent Literature class. The instructor sent us a schedule a week or so ago of 12 novels we have to read by December. Well, as if that weren't enough I found out in class that I have to read an additional 3 novels of my own choosing... 15 books by December! Not only does this seem difficult, it's going to be down right impossible! I'm not a big reader...I read leisurely on occassion, but honestly, I stay so busy with work/school/life that I would rather sleep in my spare time. Sad, I know...but true.

Last night, K and I held this conversation:

Me: [Looking at the clock which read 11pm] I have to read 15 books from now until December. I seriously have to read 1.5 books per week to make that happen. I feel like I need to start one of them now.

K: Well, I know you are going to be very busy this semester, and I will do all I can to be supportive of that...BUT...

Me: [rolling my eyes to the ever imminent "but." I have already decided I'm not going to like this statement, no matter what it is.]

K: have to remember you are a wife and mother and we have needs too.

Me: [I was so right. I did NOT like this statement.]

Me: Honey, I know that. have to remember that you have one night each week without a wife and child (because my mom picks up Baby K on Tues and I get him from her on my way home from school) to do all the things that you want to do or work on your school stuff without distractions [because to be fair he is working on his Master's but only taking one class] and I don't get this. So, you are going to have to share my free time between Baby K and school assignments. That's just the way it is until December.

I think I hurt his feelings. But, when he said he has all know what kind of needs those are, and I know he has them. I'm doing my best to be submissive, but I honestly can't keep up. And now, I'm sorry, but I'm tired...and well...I'll leave it at that. I would rather sleep sometimes. Have I ever mentioned my love for sleep or the fact that Baby K is still waking 2 times each night?

How have you all managed everything about life after the kiddo's came? Did you find that your s.ex drive plummeted, because mine died? It actually passed on to the world hear-after a long time before Baby K was born...another great thing Infertily robs us of.

Any advice?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Catching up...

I haven't really made this information public knowledge, but K and I are back on the infertility rollercoaster. We decided when Baby K was born that we didn't want to wait to ttc #2. Afterall, it took us 5 years to conceive #1. And no, this isn't a pregnancy annoncement...just an update to let you all know that we are back on the saddle, and it's still just as frustrating as I remember it being.

We still have 6 months to go before we can go back on meds, so until then we are depending on mother nature to do her thing. Doubt she will, but if so, I will be plesantly surprised. I know most of you are probably thinking, man...that was fast. Yes, I agree. But I don't want to become "that" person who was consumed by infertility, so we decided to go ahead and give the green light. Because if it isn't my ever waking moment, it won't hurt as much, right?

Wrong. It's still just as frustrating as I rememeber it. Baby K makes it hurt a little less, but it is still just as frustrating. Until then, I just give all of my love to the one blessing that God has given me...and we pray for those of you still waiting to get your miracles.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Is anyone out there?

I haven't really had a lot of extra time to blog lately. I'm hoping that I haven't managed to lose the few readers I had. I have been reading, but commenting and posting have certainly taken a back burner to other priorities. I have one week remaining of summer break before Fall 09 sememster starts. I can't believe I am already starting my second year of what will be my 2nd bachelor's degree. I have really enjoyed my classes so far, and I now understand why Teaching is the best profession on earth.

Anyway, I'm seeking your advice if you are out there. I have a little problem. To make a long story short, I use to be really good friends with a girl, whom we will call D. She was one of my best friends, even though there were some quirks about her that really un-nerved me. To spare you all the grusome details, I'll just say this: I said something aweful about D, even though it was true to how I felt, to another friend in email. I should have said it to D, but I didn't. That didn't change that it was how I felt. Well, D found out about it...not through hear-say but by cracking the password to my email. Part of my statement was made out of my insecurities during infertility. (we all know how crazy it can make you).

Am I alone to think that she was in the wrong too? Yes, I should have made my statement to her instead of someone else. And, I'll be honest, it was really on the verge of happening, because I had all I could handle...but I didnt.

It has been almost 3 years since then, and well...we are now just "acquaitances." We'll leave comments here and there on Facebook, but that is about the extent of our relationship. The worst part of all of this is how much I miss her son, H. I became really attached to H during all of my infertility struggles, and well...I lost him too in this process. I have apologized, and she has too, but it's just not the same, nor will it ever be.

Recently, I decided...I was over it. I miss her, yes, but I'm not going to put myself out there and beg to be friends again anymore. Since then, her grandpa died and I went to the funeral (because I know how important he was to her, and I still care about her), but we haven't spoken since then. It's really sad...

What is your advice on this situation. Do I just give it more time, even though it's been 3 years, or do I cut my losses. I think the thing that bothers me most is that while I was pregnant, I told her I really wanted her to be an important part of my son's life. She came to see him in the hospital when he was born, and a few times since, but she really doesn't acknowledge him at all.

Is this stupid? Advice anyone?

Monday, August 10, 2009

Happy 6 months Baby K!

My baby boy is six months old today. When I began praying for him, I began bargaining with God. I promise to do this...I promise to do that. I had all intentions of being the best mother EVER, and oh how I have failed over and over again. I do try my best to be a great mom, but there are so many other things that I could do better. I will spare you all the details, but I will say that I have turned my prayer to God doing something really BIG in my life. And I trust that just as he answered my prayer for Baby K, he will also answer this prayer.

On a lighter note, hop over to Janna's blog and help count down the days until she makes her Little Bit's adoption final!!! It's less than 2 weeks away. I have followed her journey for a while (she may not even realize it, but she was the first to comment on my blog), and I could not be any happier for her!!!!