Friday, May 20, 2011

I'm in a funk...

I'm in a funk. My blog has been pretty much non-existent lately. I can't snap out of it. I can't talk about it. I can't even process it.

I've been dealing with a lot. I determined I'm not going to get to graduate with my friends. I still need nine classes to finish my Middle Grades Education degree. One of those classes is student teaching for an entire semester which would ensue my quitting my job. The economy is terrible. In NC, teachers are being laid off by the hundreds...thousands in the bigger metropolitan areas. I feel as if I have completely wasted the last three years of my life. I can't justify quitting a job I have now in order to work for free (student teaching) and not get a job because schools are on a hiring freeze. I have a family which I am half-responsible for supporting. I'm not a risk taker. I play it "safe." But I am completely heart broken that I won't be finishing school in 2012 as planned. I may not get to transition into a teaching position for quite some time. It bites.

There is still some animosity within our family. Mother's Day was completely stressful as it was the first gathering since our fall out, and it wasn't my ideal way to spend it. I'm angry still. To remain as "private" as I can on a public blog, I'll just say that after the confrontation, I expected change. And, we haven't gotten it. At all. So, it's fair to say I am even more angry now than before. This bites too.

Other areas in my life are going great. My boys are growing too quickly. Kohen gets his six month well visit this week. We also are having our first family portraits made for our church directory. I started an online class this week for American Literature. I know, I just said I wasted the last three years of my life, and I DO somewhat feel that way. But, I have to finish now that I have invested so much time and energy into this degree. Our finances have suffered and my family have made sacrifices to see me fulfill this dream. I can't let all of that be in vein by not finishing.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Nothing really blog worthy to post at the moment.


Kristen said...

Oh girl. I'm so sorry about school - that just sucks. The good thing is that the economy won't suck forever, and eventually there will be opportunity to move into what you love and have worked so hard for! I know it's still disappointing though.

No good about the family either. I'm not sure of the details, but I'm lifting this issue up in prayer! I know it's been a source of stress for you for quite some time now.

Wish I was close by to come give you a hug!!!

Terri said...

Thank you so much Elaine! Your cyber hug was felt all the way in SC!! Thank you for your sweet, encouraging words. They are just what I needed to hear. Please know that I have had you in my prayers, too. Don't let that funk keep you down!! I know good things are coming your way! :)

Joannah said...

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with your family and your education/career path. For the last two or three years I have just shaken my head when we've had student teachers come though our school, or heard of friends or family members who are pursuing a teaching credential. The job market just stinks wherever you are, and many of them will never be able to hold out for a position in the long run. I'm so sorry that you are caught in this cycle, and I understand your frustration. The only advice I can give you is if you continue on this path, be open to how you might use your credential - private school, online education providers, etc. Somehow it will work out.

Janna said...

Praying for you! Funks can be so hard to get out of! I've been trying to get out of mine for a while now. Just when I think I'm on my way out I slide right back down to the bottom! Hoping you can finish your degree somehow. I admire you for working so hard! HUGS!!!