It was my fault he called. I reached out to his family—probably the best part of our relationship. I knew they were worried about me since I had tried to take my own life. And, they were the last part of the hold he had on me.
He told me all those same things…”he loved me…”; “he would change…”; blah, blah, blah…. And you would have thought I would have had the courage to say “No.” He had been dishonorably discharged from the Navy for who knows what…”but things would be different.”
“No, I’ve had enough.” And, I’d like nothing more than to be able to say that is so, but it wasn’t. I was vulnerable. I felt all alone in my new high school. I was having a really hard time making friends. I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I wasn’t making good grades or sleeping well at night. And, my family who had offered to do this favor to me by “taking me in” was exposing me to worse circumstances of partying and drugs. I knew I couldn’t stay there…but I had nowhere else to turn.
I’m ashamed to say that I called for a cab to take me back to the boyfriend…All I can say in my defense is, “Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself.” Part of my reason for returning was homesickness. I missed what were once my friends, my school, and the familiarity of what was once my life. Things were different for a few weeks. Slowly, they were returning to our “normal” and I could finally see what I once couldn’t: he would never make me happy of love me the way I deserved. (Think: “was blind, but now I see” from the hymnal Amazing Grace) I wasn’t even sure that what I felt for him was “love” at all. I could see the addiction side of our relationship, but love couldn’t possibly feel this bad. This was never going to work because he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed…and that was Jesus. I need Him more than the boyfriend…and this was probably the turning point in my life.
One day, I snapped out of the nightmare…enough was enough. (I often tell friends or loved ones who are struggling in their relationships that one day this feeling will come…) It was over. The good parts of us, the bad parts of us…they were over. I swallowed my big dosage of pride—as hard as it was—and I moved back home to my parents house. Like God, they welcomed me with open arms. We had plenty of mending of our relationship to do, but we agreed to pray our way through it and let God handle the rest…
Slowly, we fell back into a new normal. God was doing a work in my life that I couldn’t explain. I had a hunger for Him and to be better person—looking to Him for what I was lacking in the world. His grace had brought me to this turning point in my life and I had to choose…And I chose Him. I called up my parent’s pastor who immediately came to my home. He led me to the Lord in my parent’s living room. And, he gave me this bible verse to help “forgive myself” for some of the decisions I had made:
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
It was a direct commandment from the Lord to not remember my past. And, the preacher also gave me this verse which explained to me that I was “new.”
2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
A new me! Exactly what I needed. I couldn’t remember how to be the old me, and I didn’t want to be the most recent “former” me either. NEW. Forgiven. Redeemed. Happy.
The months brought new welcomed healing to my life and family. Then we were all caught off guard by a terrible accident…one that again (almost) took my life.
More to come.