Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Healing will Come...

It's been a while since I've had time to write anything Infertility related. So, this post has been swimming around in my head for quite sometime....

When I had my first miscarriage back in December 2004, I seriously didn't think the heartache would ever leave me. I was devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken. It had taken Kyle and I over a year to get pregnant, so when we were, I wanted to shout it for everyone to hear. And, I did. It was Christmas--the happiest time of the year-- and I was happy for that moment.

When I went to the ER because I was having some issues, I was in initial shock (I think). I mean, miscarriages happen. I'd heard they did. But, they didn't happen to me. I felt so embarrassed to tell all the people who I'd told days earlier that I loss the baby. I felt robbed of the joy I'd been given. The time hadn't be enough for me. I felt like a failure as a woman, but more importantly, a failure as a wife.

I sit back now and even as I watch my two boys playing, I feel this pain that can be so fresh. I wonder all the "what if's..." that we (as women do) to make ourselves feel even worse. What if I'd stop drinking Pepsi... What if I hadn't lifted the heavy groceries...what if...what if...what if.

Now I wonder what would this child look like? Would he/she resemble Kade or Kohen. Would he/she have dark hair and eyes like their daddy? Even as a mom, I still wonder...I wonder what my family would have looked like if I had sustained this pregnancy...or the next one, which I also loss to miscarriage....

Many of my readers have felt this loss recently, and quite frankly, I can't justly describe with words what it really feels like. But I can tell you on this side of the pain, that you will find healing...it will come. Take the time that you need to grieve. This IS/WAS an important loss no matter who makes you feel otherwise. It is a hard loss...a precious life you were given even if for only a moment. You are forever changed by this experience...but don't let it make you give up.

Your desire to have children WILL be greater than any reservations you feel about pending miscarriage. The truth is: If it's going to happen, it will. You can't stop it...no matter how hard you try or how often you beat yourself up over the what if's... turn your sorrow into something positive...hold your friend's hand who is also having one. Reach out to someone else who is struggling with fertility. We--women--are a strong, valuable resource to each other. If any good can come from sorrow, then your suffering was not in vain.

Love and prayers to you all! XO!

2 comments:

Terri said...

Thank you so much Elaine for sharing your heart and your feelings about your infertility/miscarriages. Your precious boys give me and others in this same/similar situation hope for the future of our own family. I agree about being there for one another. It's so encouraging and helpful to know that the thoughts and feelings that you are experiencing are normal. God certainly uses situations in our lives to help us minister to others. Thanks so much for sharing your story!

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Beautifully written!