Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Thoughts to ponder...

Some of the things I hated during our journey...
  • One of my friends told me she was once told by her mother-in-law to watch me while I interacted with my friend's son, H. She, the mother-in-law, said there were statistics that would show people who suffer from miscarriages "sometimes" hurt children. I have no idea why my friend felt the need to share this conversation with me unless it was to prove how closed minded her mother-in-law was at this time. I hated how someone could even suggest such an idea about me. And, newsflash...for every 1 case you can show me of where a woman who has had miscarriages and has hurt a child, I can also show you a grandparent who has.
  • No one understood what was happening to me. I was uncontrollably spiraling downward, and I didn't have anyone in my real life who understood. I didn't even understand. I couldn't make sense of why God had chosen this path for me to walk. He couldn't possibly think I was physically or emotionally stable enough to handle it. When I did, I hated how I was wrong.
  • I hated working. I hated being forced to get out of bed every day and face the reality that was my life. I hated working for a big company because there was always someone who was pregnant. I hated how uncomfortable I felt. I hated the jealousy that fostered in my heart. I hated the pity that my co-workers had for me.
  • Not proud of this next one, but I am keeping it real. I hated God. I hated church. I hated praying. I hated anything that pointed towards that God ways were better than my ways. I hated I had no control and all control was His. I hated anything spiritual which could have helped alleviate some of the pain I felt. I hated waiting on Him to answer my prayers.

Some of the things I loved during our journey...

  • I loved how I learned some really important life lessons. I learned how to let people's inconsiderate comments roll off my back. I learned that if you haven't walked in my shoe's you were completely oblivious to the hell I was living. I learned that if you hadn't "been there" it wasn't fair for me to blame you for your ignorance. That was once me.
  • I loved how I learned having a baby doesn't make you family. I am quite certain Kyle and I can get through anything now. I know, no matter what, he will be standing right by my side, and I by his. I loved how we found a way to hold on to our love and commitment of "for better or for worse." I loved he loved me enough to stay.
  • I loved how even though I was bitter and angry with God, He still walked beside of me giving me the strength I needed to sustain the circumstances. I loved even when I didn't want to worship Him, He still loved me. I loved the way He understood the hurt and the heartache I felt and how He was using our experience to draw me closer to Him. I am closer to Him.
  • I love how I look at my kids with grateful eyes and an overflowing heart. I don't think I am a better mom than someone who hasn't walked through infertility, but I do feel as though I have an appreciation that can only be gained by struggle. I love how God saved these two sweet, handsome, funny, perfect boys for me when He could have given me different children. I can't imagine my life with any other children but these. His ways are better than mine.
  • I love how medical intervention can be wrong. I love how God pointed out to me that He is in control. Where doctors told me it wouldn't happen, He swooped in and said, "Oh yes it can..."
  • I love my journey to parenthood. The pain, the sorrow, the tears, the prayers, and ultimately the triumph. I loved that my desire for children was greater than my fear...and I love God for choosing me to walk through this path.

It's the last few days to enter this gi*veaway. Go here to read more. Do you want to be listed under my Support Circle page? It's been updated already with new names.

Lastly, please go visit Kellie & James on the Support Circle page. They are learning to live again after the loss of a child. Their little girl, Maddie, died three weeks ago unexpectedly to SIDS. She was only 4 months old, the same age as Kohen. She needs our prayers and support.


Kristen said...

I love this post. It is so honest and real. So many people facing infertility feel guilty in the midst of some of these feelings, so I think it benefits everyone to be reminded that these feelings are pretty typical, and that there is no reason to feel isolated.

Thanks for putting it all out there!

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

Wow, I don't know why your friend related that to you either! I don't think it was very helpful or sensitive. Not that people need to walk on eggshells around others but some things are better left unsaid. :-(

I appreciate your honesty and openness on the other points! *HUGS*