Thursday, December 24, 2009

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

Two years ago, I wrote this on Christmas Eve.

I was at a breaking point in my life. I was stuck in a valley. My patience had been long gone; my hope had been stretched too thin. I think I felt more defeated than I've ever felt in my entire life.

Then, I did something which I thought I would have never done. I left the doctor's office I had been a patient of for 10ish years and sought a second opinion. (Well, it would actually be a third if you include the IVF doctors who told me that the only way I would ever have kids is to use donor eggs.) I didn't know anything about this new doctor. I literally picked him out of the phone book and scheduled an appt. That is one of the best decisions I have made in my entire life. It was Dr. R who gave me the hope I had lost. With that hope, I felt all the stress and pressure (and shame) of being "infertile" lifted off of my shoulders. I began to enjoy life again. I enjoyed my husband more. I enjoyed our time together. It was only then that God chose to finally answer our prayers. And, it wasn't immediately that he answered. After changing doctors, we still waited for six months or so, but finally, for whatever reason, after 5 years of tears, heartache, emptiness, shame, and many, many prayers He gave us our son.

I use to hate the Christmas season before Baby K was conceived. It is the most difficult time of year for those who are waiting, and I believe despite how selfish that may sound that God gets that. He knows our hearts; He knows our hurt. This year I get to celebrate the season without having all the emotions to cloud the reason for the season. I don't say that as "Look at me! Look at me! I have a baby this year." I say that as "My son is a wonderful gift, yes, but God gave me a better gift. He gave me His love, His forgiveness, His blood for my salvation. He gave me back Christmas spirit and the desire to celebrate His birth."

I also want to say to those of you who are still waiting: I will be covering you in prayers this weekend. I hope that God pours out his love, peace, and blessings upon you and your family. I pray for Him to give you your every hearts desire. And I pray that He will lead you to a doctor who will give you back the hope that some other doctor may have stolen from you. I pray that next year, each and every one of you will know the joy from being a parent. I pray for patience as you wait and for God to remove any shame you may be feeling--because you were wonderfully made, no matter how broken you may feel right now.

Merry Christmas sweet friends! I love you all!


Amanda said...

Isn't amazing how two years ago this day was so far away, but now two years ago was a lifetime ago?

God IS good.

Merry Christmas!

The Lynchs said...

What a beautiful reminder of God's love for us, and how important it is to remember that. Thanks for that sweet girl :)

Mel said...

We had a similar situation, switching doctors and finding success in the decision. God speaks to us and moves us in HIS time so amazingly, doesn't he? I often stop to thank God for all of the cycles that I did NOT get pregnant because I wouldn't have had THIS perfect angel if I had gotten pregnant any other month.
Hope your Christmas was wonderful! :)