Sentimental Saturday...

Another unsuccessful cycle. Not that I am surprised or even devastated. I didn't even cry this time (which is a surprise of itself). Do I give up? No. Do I lose hope? No. Do I stop praying and believing that God cares? No!

I found this verse while working on my bible study this week:

Psalm 113:9

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.

So, should K and I keep on trying? Yes. Most importantly, am I a day closer to being a mommy today than I was yesterday? Yes! (Praise ye the Lord)

Thankful for Unexpected, Good News...and the Best Husband EVER!!!

Today I got some surprisingly good news. I don't know if I have shared with my fellow bloggers my decision to return to school. I am currently an accountant, but after doing some soul searching and many hours of prayer, I have felt some time that the Lord was leading me to be a math teacher. I had applied for the teaching program at my local college and was told to be eligible for the program that I needed to take the Praxis I. Once I registered for the Praxis, I had only 3 weeks to study, so I did some good, old-fashioned cramming. I ended up passing 2 of the 3 parts, but was pleased with my test scores. I had only failed the 3rd part by 3 points, so I felt that I did really good for the time I had to study. Anyway, today I got a letter from my college that said that my scores had been re-calculated by the department chair and my scores were high enough to enter the program now! I couldn't be happier!!!! So, I will be returning to school this spring to pursue my passion for teaching, children, and math. So, this is one thing I am certainly thankful for. (Thank you God!)

This week, I chose my husband to do something extra nice for. He's been my rock through the circumstances we've faced and I know that he is the reason I keep on going. He's put up with my mood swings, depression, highs and lows, and he's never once complained or made me feel like I was inferior. I should show him everyday how thankful I am to be his wife, but I tend to take the things most important to me for granted at times. I know he wants to be "enough" for me should we not have kids...and I know if it comes to that point, that he will be. So, today I bought him something I thought he'd like...it wasn't much, but it was just a little something to show him I was thankful for him. (Lord, for every time I have asked for more, I want to thank you for the kind of love you have already blessed me with in my marriage. It's real, unconditional, and everlasting, just like the love You have for me.)

Have a blessed weekend!

Miracle Monday...

I receive this in my email each day, and how fitting it was for a Monday. I've been saying that what K and I need is a miracle. Now I have the Divine instructions on how to make that miracle happen. If you like it, consider subscribing at http://www.bibleshack.com.

Prayer Room - http://www.bibleshack.com/prayer/Today's scripture is Romans 10:10

"For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

Do you need a miracle? Then believe it, confess it and receive it! If you don't have enough faith yet to believe for the miracle you need, then you can get it. "Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Rom. 10:17). So start filling the ears of your heart with the
Word until faith for your miracle is born.

That's what the woman did who had the issue of blood. She believed in her heart that Jesus would heal her. Then she spoke her faith out loud. Then she acted on that faith--and she received her miracle. It wasn't Jesus' decision. He didn't suddenly say, "You know, I think
I'll work a miracle for that little lady today." No. She made it happen. She took her faith and drew on the power of God. That's why Jesus said, "Daughter, your faith has made you whole" (Matt. 9:22).

You have that same opportunity. God's power is always present everywhere. Your faith will bring it into your life, body, or circumstances. So reach out to Jesus. Believe, confess, and receive your miracle today.

SCRIPTURE READING: Matthew 9:18-31 - Click this link to read the
scripture online http://bibleshack.com/ds/matthew9-18-31.shtml

"A happy heart is like good medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)
Religious jokes archive http://bibleshack.com/archive/jokes/

Special Requests...

My weekend has been pretty boring. I actually made it to church today for the first time in several weeks. I've been sulking, and I've been mad at God for making me go through this valley (that at times never seems to end). I realized something while I was sitting in the sermon. I had channeled my anger at the wrong person. I should be angry with Satan who has attacked this battle against my life, my marriage, my whole being. My preacher also stated that it wasn't the circumstances that would make or break a Christian. It was your REACTION to circumstances that would determine how strong your faith is. So, I'm fighting back...Satan is fleeing me and God is surrounding me with his love and protection.

One of our fellow bloggers is experiencing her first miscarriage and could really use our prayers and encouragement. Please visit Amanda at http://waitinginline.blogspot.com and send her some support. If you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, you know first hand the heartache that she is experiencing right now. You could perhaps use your experience to offer her some comfort. If you haven't had a miscarriage, then she could use your prayers. My heart really aches for her and her family as she is going through this time. I know all too well the emptiness she is feeling as I have had 2 miscarriages within the last 4 years.

Also, please see Rebecca at http://wishinghopingandpraying.blogspot.com. I convinced her this blog was much better than a previous blog we were on together because of the encouragement and prayers I have received from this site. Rebecca is ending her 2ww and could also use some optimism from those of us who are privileged to be on this infertility roller coaster...together. I have found that it was worse when I felt alone.

Thankful for April

After reading over my first handful of Blogs, I decided...you know, it's a little depressing. Doctor appointments, statistics, personal emotions--not that all of those things aren't important to what I am going through, or what you are facing--but no wonder I am so depressed at times. All I do is dwell on the circumstances at hand.

So yesterday I decided that I wanted to shift the focus of my blog somewhat. Those things will still be very important in my life, but perhaps I could "train" myself not to dwell on them so much. So, I have decided that every Thursday, I would make a commitment to let someone in my life know how thankful I am for them. Whether it be a greeting card, homemade cookies, or just a pat on the back, I am going to let the people in my life know I appreciate them and all they have done for me. (In essence, I will be counting my blessings which hopefully will help me to lose emphasis on those things that I don't have.)

Today, I am thankful for April, a coworker and friend, who has been through it all with me even when she had mountains of her own to climb. This year, while I was facing infertility, she was facing her 6 y/o son being diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. April has always taken time out of her busy work day to hand me a Kleenex or drop me an email to let me know I was being prayed for. She has this way about her that she can make you laugh when your heart is breaking just to lighten the mood. She is one of the strongest people that I know, and has come to mean so much to me over the past few years. I am blessed to be able to call her my friend and know that she will always be there for me.

Rest Stop...

Yesterday, I had the much dreaded talk with the RE about my cd3 tests. Please excuse the randomness of this post, as I feel like I am still on information overload right now as I am trying to take everything all in....

The RE immediately told us that we were declined for the Shared Risk Program (where we have 6 IVF cycles-3 of which are donor eggs-and if you still don't have a child, you are reimbursed for 70% of costs. Why was I declined?...Elevated FSH. Nevermind that I was told last week by the nurse that the doc wanted me to do an Efort test. Nevermind that K and I were completely caught off guard that our application had been reviewed. Apparently, to be considered for the SRP your FSH must be below 10. I was 14.7...so I have a poor ovarian reserve, accompanied by all those other borderline results from cd3. IVF is a no go...with my eggs.

Paraphrasing the doctor's "talk," it's not impossible to conceiving naturally, but medically it's unlikely since the odds are stacked against us. The RE suggested we strongly consider donor eggs, and he recommends using an anonymous donor (as with his expertise, when families use designated donors it's just too much to process for most mothers). He said if we agreed to use donor eggs that SRP would approve us on the spot and the guarantee becomes 100% refund if you don't have a baby.

Sounds too good to be true...and is. The cost increased to $21,000. So, it's a catch-22. Today, we also found out that in addition to the $21,000 we would have to come up with $14,000 in additional funds for labs, doctor fees, meds, etc. Also, if it failed for each additional IVF cycle you have to again come up with the additional $14,000 to proceed. When we were barely going to be able to afford the $15,000 monthly payment (maxing out our credit card) accompanied by daycare and costs associated with a child should it be successful... realistically, this is no longer an option. This could cost more than our house, and it seems like a rip off that doctors are profiting off of innocent people's misery...

I think this is the end for us...at least a rest stop where we take a deep breath and ponder what on Earth we could possibly do to come up with that much $.

I was an emotional mess yesterday. I don't know how I feel today...kind of numb to everything. My husband said he would sale his truck, and I love him for offering, but No... Maybe we just aren't financially ready...maybe I need to accept that this is just the way life is...Since we won't be using my defective eggs, we really have no need to rush things... How do I tell my heart to move on? How do I tell it to wait any longer? We've already been waiting 4 years... and I know that I am this miserable person to be around right now because my heart has been torn out of my chest...

I know this is God's plan, and when I think about all the things I did wrong, I deserve so much worse...but I am so angry. I've been slowly withdrawing from Church, God, Family, Friends...I feel like I am in a rut. Two weeks ago, I started reading my Bible again and it's providing some much need comfort admist all this pain... God knows how I feel and the desires of my heart, and I have to just hold on to the promise that He will answer my prayer one day.

Praying for a Miracle now...

The Dr. called...

I just got off the phone with the doctor's office a while ago...My day 3 test results were all on the low side of what they should be for a normal 27 year old. The nurse stressed that it didn't mean that pregnancy wasn't possible, but it did indicate red flags as to why I haven't been able to get pregnant on my own or sustain pregnancy once I did.

The doctor suggested that I do what's called a Efort Test (some people know it as the Clomid Challenge, but I will not be using clomid). I have to wait until day 3 of my next cycle where I will repeat all the blood work, ultrasound, and take a fertility injection. Then, I return the following day for an ultrasound to see how my body responded to the shot.

It seems that the doctor is trying to do all he can to get us approved for the shared-risk plan the office has to increase the chances of IVF being successful. That ensures me that I am at the right doctor now. My last doctor, I believe, did all he could for us, but he wasn't an RE. The experience the new office has makes me wish I had sought a 2nd opinion months ago.

I admit...I'm a little scared now that my tests were so low...I just barely made the borderline for what the Shared Risk's plan considers to be cut-off's ...My AMH was 0.7 (they require 0-6.9); I had 6 follicles (and they require 6-20); My estrogen was 75.4 (and they require it to be <75)

After this Efort Test, I will also know if I have to get the septum fixed... We have an appt with the RE on Sept 18. I am hoping to have a better understanding of all these numbers after the appt. I feel some comfort knowing now that my diagnosis of "unexplained" infertility is now getting explained. But, it saddens me to think that it's me--kind of a blow to one's self-esteem.

Has anyone else ever gone through this? I could really use some advice or encouragement...

Starting IVF....

Yesterday, I had my day 3 appointment for blood-work and an ultrasound. My husband and I are applying for a program that is called "shared risk" where the patient and the clinic share the risk in IVF. You are given 6 cycles (3 of which are donor egg cycles) and if you still don't bring a baby home from the hospital, you are given a 75% refund of your money, hence the reason it costs so much to do the shared risk program. Actually, it is a little more than 2 IVF cycles should we be paying for them independently, so the advantages certainly out-weigh the disadvantages.

The clinic just called me today with my day 3 results. My doc is out of the country until next week, and he has to review my chart before we can submit the application for the shared risk program. It appears that this program is solely based on your medical history, and your chances of conception, rather than your credit history...huh? I mean, I get it, but who would of thought that your financial history wouldn't matter in this one...So to be honest, K and I are a little scared that we may be declined. We have excellent credit, but my medical history is a little "iffy". I'm healthy, he's healthy...but my pregnancy history (or lack there-of) is questionable... On a good note, I have been pregnant 2 times on my own so I am hoping that it helps. We have been diagnosed "unexplained." Also, we can still do IVF even if we aren't approved, although I think we'd be a little reluctant to try it if the doctor doesn't seem to have faith in us...

Lastly, the nurse made mention of the septum I have which may require a little surgery to fix. It's ironic that I saw a doc in my hometown for 3+ years and he never noticed the septum that the RE noticed immediately. So, we are still in limbo. The doctor comes back the US next week, so we should know more by the end of next week.

Does anyone have a septum?

Who knew getting Pregnant would be this Hard?

If you've some how made it to this page, it's likely from a google search and an inability to get pregnant. I've been there. You could have also stumbled here by searching for "scriptures for conceiving" or "pregnancy prayer." I've been there too. In fact, I've added a tab on my page for Bible Verses where you can find God's words to help you in your journey to parenthood. Some of them literally got me through day-to-day. However, they aren't a prescription to get pregnant, but more-so a way to meditate on God's word and trust in His ability to work a miracle in your life/womb. If you feel alone, you are definitley not alone in your journey... See that tab that says "Support Circle?" It links to the blogs of other women who are/have struggled to get pregnant. Some have beaten the odds. What you have actually found here is the first "recorded" memory in my personal journey to become a parent. My husband, Kyle, and I's journey actually started a few years earlier than when I wrote this all down. It was a long, painful journey...So, come along for the ride of our journey to becoming parents. It's a long, bumpy, twisted ride, but it doesn't stop here! We were told we would never be parents. All hope was literally lost. However, God swooped right in and showed us He ultimately is in control. Now, looking back I can tell you it was all worth it--every tear, every heartache, every prayer, every moment. So, welcome! I hope you will stick around for a minute, but more importantly, I hope our story will encourage you!
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09/03/2007

My name is Elaine. I am 27 years old, and I am married to a wonderful man, K. We have been married for 4 years, and we have been trying to have a baby since our wedding night. Here we are years down the road and two miscarriages later still without a baby to hold.

So here I am. I decided to title my blog My prayers, His promises in hopes to reinforce my faith in God. He hears my prayers and will answer them in His time. I hold on to the promises He has made me in His Word.

A little bit about me:

I found out I was pregnant with our first child December 23, 2004. What perfect timing! At this point we had been trying to conceive for 14 months. With Christmas a few days later, we felt it to be a perfect time to tell all of our family and friends. December 30, exactly one week later, I started spotting and had my husband take me to the emergency room. My highest high in life became my lowest low. I was having a “probable” miscarriage the doctor had said. The only thing I could do was go home and wait it out. I was only 5.5 weeks.

Telling my family and friends was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Their words of comfort, for example, “There must have been something wrong with the baby,” or, “At least you know you can get pregnant, and you’ll have another chance,” or “It was God’s will,” did nothing but make me angry. ANGRY. No one, NO ONE understood the heartache that I was/still am feeling. I knew that they loved me, but nothing they could say would comfort me.

No matter how much I doubted it, to my surprise, the sun still rose each morning. It didn’t quite shine the same way to me, but never-the-less, life went on with or without my participation. I cut myself off from everyone: my husband, my family, friends, GOD. It’s almost like I was embarrassed. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. No one in my entire family had ever had a miscarriage; I am healthy; I am young; I take care of myself; I am a good person. How could this happen? More importantly, where was God?? I don’t know how Jesus felt when he was on the cross dying for my sins, but I truly felt that God had forsaken me at this point.

Months past, I got out of church and out of God’s will. I partied with my friends. Eight months later, August 04, 2005 I found out I was pregnant again. Again, it couldn’t have occurred at a more perfect time. I was avoiding what was suppose to be my estimated due date with baby #1 (August 30, 2005) when I found out I was pregnant again. I was shocked!! Could this be the baby we would hold? My pregnancy seemed to progress normally, or so I thought. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. I felt good….different this time. This was it. I knew it… I felt confident that God would bless us with a child this time around.

At my first doctor’s appointment, I had my first sonogram. I was so excited to see the baby…I couldn’t wait. I’ll never forget what the technician said (you know they aren’t supposed to say anything), “It doesn’t look like an 8 week baby to me…” At first, I thought I had misunderstood her. As the silence progressed I knew I hadn’t. This time, I had a blighted ovum…a sac, but the baby never developed. I thought I was pregnant, my body thought I was pregnant…I had to have a d & c the same day. It was Sept. 6, 2005

I just couldn’t believe it had happened again. All of the comforting statistics…I’m sure you’ve heard them yourself…once you lose a baby to miscarriage the likelihood of it happening again is decreased… Although that is supposed to be a true statistic, it did not apply to me. I asked the doctor if we were now eligible for any sort of testing…and we are not until we have had three miscarriages. Why would I put myself, my family, or my husband back through this again, especially if something is truly wrong with me?

We have now gone through preliminary testing. My husband has had a semen analysis and I have had a HSG, which is an x-ray of your abdomen to make sure your tubes are open. Both checked out okay. Since we had now been trying for more than 6 months since my 2nd miscarriage, my doctor agreed to try clomid and IUI. I tried not to get my hopes up as its success rate is only 20%. Let’s face it, odds have never exactly gone in my favor. It failed.We repeated the IUI with clomid…then injectible drugs…and repeated it again. Five unsuccessful IUI’s, on we go in this quest of mother/father-hood.

I did handle my second miscarriage a little better emotionally. I guess it is because I knew what to expect this time around. There are days that I think I am strong. Don’t let that fool you…there were/still are days that I cry so much that I don’t know how I could not be dehydrated when I finally get myself together. The emptiness is still in the depth of my soul, and no matter what I do, I don’t know how to fill it.

I am back in church now. I have made some changes in my life which can only be to my benefit. I pray…I have tried and tried to give this problem to God. On days I think I have. Then there are days that I know I haven’t, but I am just not sure what to do differently. There are days that I just simply go through the motions of life…there are days that I catch myself smiling and laughing again though. (Thank you, God)

A few weeks ago, we found out some of our friends are expecting their 2nd. Basically, we were trying when they conceived their first, and now they are pregnant again. Life just seems so unfair at times. “Why, God? What have I done to make You so mad at me?” I have literally watched some people get pregnant, have babies, and now their children are turning THREE since K and I have been trying to have our first child.It seems everywhere I look are pregnant women: on television, at shopping centers, work, church…and I am not one of them. It kills me.

My prayers, His promises...I just have to keep faith. Good days/Bad days. That’s just the way life is for me/us now. We just pray and pray and pray…I haven't been able to put it in God’s hands…not because of my lack of faith in Him, I just don't know how. I just pray. Every time I think about it now, I just pray! Even when I’m all prayed out—I just pray. I know that prayer is what has gotten me through the last few years spiritually and emotionally, not to mention has only helped our marriage become better and stronger.

Some people think I need to consider seeking professional help, because I am always so sad. How do you seek help for mourning a dream you have? K and I have agreed it's time to do IVF...we at first didn't want to tell anyone, because to be honest, it's somewhat embarrassing to me as a woman. But I am seeking anyone's advice who has been down this road before and can offer any guidance. It's not a guarantee, but it's a new journey of itself and is completely new to us since we don't know anyone personally who has gone through this.

So that's why I'm here...My prayers, His promises. I am going to lean on other Christian women who can help pray me through this journey. I want to pray for you too, whatever your circumstances may be. I know now that I am not alone in this, nor am I the only person who has gone through something this "life-changing." It has changed my life--every single aspect.

Thanks for reading this, I know it has been lengthy. Thank you for giving me somewhere to express these feelings. Thank you for the new friends I will meet and the prayer partners I will gain. Thank you, Lord, in advance for how you will use this blog for Your glory.