Wednesday, May 14, 2008

It's time I fessed up....

I skipped out on church services on Sunday. I'm not proud of that fact. Even that afternoon as the rain poured down, I felt as if God was crying with me...about me....for me when I didn't have any energy left to cry. Instead, I stayed in bed in the confinement of my safe haven, and ignored that this day was to celebrate those who give life... After all, I am not to be included in this category, and I am finally coming to terms with that I may never be. Why can't they change it to "women's day" to make it not hurt so much? The lines are clearly defined that this is to celebrate "mother's". I have two precious babies in Heaven. So, does that make me a mother? Not to anyone who looks at me hear on Earth. Except me. That's a sour attitude, I know. I've been like this for about a week and have finally been taking my anxiety meds again. I hope this soon passes, but after 5 years I think IF has finally taken it's toll on me. I feel completely defeated at this point.

On another note, AF was set to appear on Saturday and never showed her ugly face. I spent most of Sunday praying, Lord, please not let her come to today...any day but today. So, she came Monday. (See Ladies, the Lord still answers prayers.) Today I have an appt with Dr. R. I'm completely clueless as to what he will want to do next. This was our 4th failed month on oral meds so he may stop those completely.

We also start our first foster parenting classes tomorrow. I am excited, but this state of mind has sort of ruined that to me. It's a new venture, a road we haven't traveled before. For that I am deeply grateful and excited. It's also sort of closure on what were my hopes of having biological children. For that, I am deeply sad.

How have you kept IF from affecting your relationship with the Lord? How do I get back there?


Mindy said...

OH Elaine. I'm so sorry you had such a lousy day on Sunday.
You know, my husband really hates this same thing about mother's day and really doesn't like for church to become mom's for the day.
Matter of fact, you know how most churches give away flowers to the oldest and youngest mother (or some symblance of those things) -- well hubby refuses to do that. We instead celebrate women not just mom's. We gave a gift this year to a lady at church who has never had her own children. We try to recognize women who don't have their own children. Because they definately have affected the life of a child along the way.
As I am sure that you have at your church! I am sure there are children there who are better off for having a spiritual mom like you!
And to be honest, I think God totally understands your broken heart about the whole thing.
Blessings on you!
in HIM -

Janna said...

Mother's Day is very difficult for anyone who has has to endure all that infertility throws at us, but when you have 2 sweet babies in Heaven it takes on a WHOLE other meaning. To me, we ARE mothers. We might not be recognized by our peers as moms because we don't have them here on Earth with us, but we DO hold them in our hearts. I wrote a letter to my pastor and sent him a link to something that the author of "Inconceivable" wrote about celebrating Mother's Day ("Sunday Solution" post). Perhaps you can do the same so that next year things can change. I agree that we need to celebrate EVERY woman b/c we all play a part in a child's life whether they are related or not.

God hears your cries, and He will heal your broken heart. It was very hard for me to run back to Him when I strayed after my m/c's, but over time I have learned that He never left my side through my grief. I was the one who had moved. I don't have any answers as to what to do in order to get you back to the person you were before you experienced IF. To be honest, I don't think we can get back there. We have changed b/c of our experiences. It's hard not to let all the pain skew our relationship with God. I think it just takes lots of prayer and lots of faith to see past the hurts. I'm still working on it and I always will be. I just keep asking for strength to get through the day. (((HUGS)))

gracechild said...

I didn't go to church on sunday either but that was just out of laziness. I did tune into the internet session and I was touched that my pastor took time out to pray for couples waiting to become parents. That's something. IF has pushed me to think of God as a distant, all-powerful God that is unmoved by my pain and requests. I know that view is so off and right now I am praying and struggling to see God as He is. Hugs to you girl


i feel so deeply for you. mothers day is so hard for all in the midst of if. it is just a horrible reminder of what you want most. i have kept you in my prayers and i know that God understands your anger and sadness.
although easier said than done, try to focus on the upcoming blessing of foster parenting. it will fill a void that will help to heal your heart as you continue this journey. my husband is adopted and if you do have the outcome of adoption, you will love that child just as much as your own. i often forget my husband is adopted b/c he has such a close relationship w/ his parents.
let me know if you need anything...
friendship and prayers,

Deidre said...

Wow, I love Mindy's comment - that would be awesome if all churches did that.

I'm just catching up on your posts. First, thank you for the award. I didn't know. I am so humbled that you feel that way.

Sunday was very low key because of our guest evangelist. It was hurried through which I'm thankful for. I know it's a struggle for those who haven't had children. I don't blame/judge you one bit for staying home. I would have done it many times if my Mom wouldn't threaten me :)

With that said, I'm am continually praying for you! I'm not going to offer any stupid advice or cliches because that's pointless. You're hurting and you're justified! I pray your appt. today with Dr. R goes well and he can offer some insight. I know he's probably just as bummed as you are (well, maybe not as much). You could also be a witness to him through this.

Hey, we need to get together for an hour or so. I would say for 'coffee' but we both hate that :) maybe tea one night..... let me know.

Love you!

andrea_jennine said...

It is a hard day; I'm sorry that yours was extra hard this year. I agree with one of the previous commenters - you are a mother to the 2 babies you lost, even if others don't know to recognize that. And IF does affect our relationship with God, but in his mercy it can strengthen our walk with him rather than destroy it. I cling to the truths that he is sovereign and he is good, no matter how much my circumstances obscure my view of him.

The Baker's said...

I am so sorry that Af showed up and that you had a not so good day on Sunday, I understand how you feel with the failed outcome of all your hard work to conceive your miracle each month. I am praying for you that God will give you comfort, that is exciting that you are going to do the foster caring, my husband and I are talking about do it as well. I too struggle each day to keep my faith and hope in him to get me through the rough journey.

Here is a verse that one of my friends shared with me and it has given me some comfort.

James 1:12 - "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

I wish you good luck on your dr. appt today.

Joannah said...

I chose not to attend church last weekend, too. Since you are feeling fragile, I think you made a wise decision.

I've found that my IF has drawn me closer to the Lord, but I haven't been dealing with it anywhere near as long as you have. I don't know how to encourage you, but please know that I'm a regular reader of your blog.I appreciate that you openly share about your journey and your faith, and I believe God will do something wonderful in your life.


Casey said...

Hey...I read your blog often and I know what you are going through. There is a ministry at my church called Caleb Ministries. They also have a website. My husband and I miscarried twins 20 months ago and have not been able to get pregnant since. I went into a deep depression and didn't want to do anything. I finally decided to seek counseling from my church. That's when I found out about Caleb Ministries. They also have a website

My husband and I just finished the 8 week course tonight. I can truly say that I am no longer depressed and I know that God has a plan for my life. My husband and I now think that God took our twins to draw us closer to Himself. He chooses those who he wants to suffer for His glory and to draw them to Himself. I truly believe that He has a plan for all of his children. I highly recommend the study. It is called Learning through Loss. It's for women who have experienced miscarriage, infertility, or early infant death. You may want to check it out. If you have any questions about it, please don't hesitate to contact me. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Charne Trollip said...

The IF journey is a tough difficult journey and there will be times when it all just seems to much! Please do not beat yourself up about not attending the church service on sunday. God knows how much you can handle and He would not be upset with you for knowing your limits.

You may feel that your realtionship with God is not where you would like it to be, but just always remember that God is still with you, He is waiting with open arms for you to run back to Him.

I pray that God will embrace you with His love and that you will feel His presence. I pray that you will feel His love and this His love will shine upon you.

Talk to God, even if you upset, talk to Him and tell Him what you are feeling.... tell Him you missing Him in your life and you need Him to show you the path that leads you back to Him.

Remember that God has a plan for your life and it may not be that you give birth to a baby the natural way but it may mean that you give birth to a beautiful baby in your heart that will come and fill your arms.

Never forget that you are already a mommy to those 2 precious angels up in heaven. You will meet them one day.

I praise God that you have the desire to get a wondeful realtionship back with Him and that you dont want to let IF interfer with that.

Alison said...

Elaine, I am so sorry you had a rough day. I have been struggling myself and trying so hard to keep Christ in the center but man is it hard. I will email you some things that Lord has shown me that I would love to share them with you. Love You!!