I'm in a funk...

I'm in a funk. My blog has been pretty much non-existent lately. I can't snap out of it. I can't talk about it. I can't even process it.


I've been dealing with a lot. I determined I'm not going to get to graduate with my friends. I still need nine classes to finish my Middle Grades Education degree. One of those classes is student teaching for an entire semester which would ensue my quitting my job. The economy is terrible. In NC, teachers are being laid off by the hundreds...thousands in the bigger metropolitan areas. I feel as if I have completely wasted the last three years of my life. I can't justify quitting a job I have now in order to work for free (student teaching) and not get a job because schools are on a hiring freeze. I have a family which I am half-responsible for supporting. I'm not a risk taker. I play it "safe." But I am completely heart broken that I won't be finishing school in 2012 as planned. I may not get to transition into a teaching position for quite some time. It bites.

There is still some animosity within our family. Mother's Day was completely stressful as it was the first gathering since our fall out, and it wasn't my ideal way to spend it. I'm angry still. To remain as "private" as I can on a public blog, I'll just say that after the confrontation, I expected change. And, we haven't gotten it. At all. So, it's fair to say I am even more angry now than before. This bites too.

Other areas in my life are going great. My boys are growing too quickly. Kohen gets his six month well visit this week. We also are having our first family portraits made for our church directory. I started an online class this week for American Literature. I know, I just said I wasted the last three years of my life, and I DO somewhat feel that way. But, I have to finish now that I have invested so much time and energy into this degree. Our finances have suffered and my family have made sacrifices to see me fulfill this dream. I can't let all of that be in vein by not finishing.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Nothing really blog worthy to post at the moment.

Tell Me Thursday: 10 Things I didn't know about IVF until It was Too Late

Hello Ladies! I received my next issue of Stepping Stones newsletter today! I always grab it and head to my reading nook to read-ever-single article in one sitting. Seriously--its THAT good. But perhaps more importantly, it's FREE :) Here is one of the articles in todays issue. I figured even though it specifically refers to IVF, some of you may skip on reading it! Please wait! Stick around for a minute; you will be blessed.
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Ten Things I Didn't Know About IVF Until It was Too Late

by Angela Mackey BSN, RN

1. Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hop in God not my body: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." [Isaiah 40:31]

2. Getting pregnant did not bring joy. Getting pregnant brought more anxiety about whether I would miscarry and how much longer I had to take shots. I had to find my joy in God alone. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." [Nehemiah 8:10]

3. Artificially stimulated ovaries HURT. My physical pain echoed my emotional spiritual pain. I struggled that getting pregnant should be natural, but for me it was not. I learned to trust God, even though His "...thoughts are not [my] thoughts, neither are [my] ways [His] ways. As the heavens are highter than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than [my] ways and [His] thoughts than [my] thoughts." [Isiah 55:8-9]

4. Loss, loss, and more loss. W amount of eggs did not equal W amount of fertilized eggs. X amount of fertilized eggs did not equal X amount of embryos. Y amount of embryos did not equal Y amount of mature embryos able to be transferred. Z amount of embryos mature enough to transfer did not equal Z amount of pregnancies or babies to hold in your arms. Loss is inevitable, and it is difficult. I had to learn to give our (my husband and mine) embryos to God and trust Him to keep His promise for all of us. "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [Jeremiah 29:11]

5. Artificial hormones take being hormonal to new lows. I had never expereinced true mood swings until IVF. Tears one moment, laughter the next. I had to remind myself that my heart and emotions often try to tell my brain lies. "the heart is deceitful about all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it." [Jeremiah 17:9} So I had to learn the less of 2 Corinthians 10:5, "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I had to tell my emotions the truth from God's word.

6. Part of my heart was in the freezer for four years. God is clear in His word that He loves the unborn. Psalm 139 tells us how He knits babies together. Since life occurs at conception, I had babies in a freezer two and a half hours away from my home for four years. The day I brought home our final embryos I was giddy. A weight was lifted. I mourned the babies I never held in my arms, but at least I got to hold them all in my womb. Jeremiah 1:5 helped me rest in God during those difficult times. It says, "Before I formed you in the womb [or petri dish] I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God had a plan for those precious babies. I was able to be a part of that. I do not understand it all, but I learned to trust in His plans.

7. Telling others was a double-edged sword. IVF is a mystery to most people. When you mention it there are many details people want to know and understand. In order to explain, you must share difficult stories. Then if the cycle is unsuccessful, you have to tell everyone you are not pregnant. However there is also a group of people praying you through each steop of the way. They encourage you, sometimes while placing their feet in their mouths, but being held up in prayer is worth the pain. James 5:126 says "...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective."

8. There was grief in the excitement and possibility. I was excited about the possibilities that IVF offered. I may get pregnant! However, I grieved the loss of getting pregnant the easy way. I learned that often grief and joy go hand-in-hand. That isn't a new concept. Hebrews 12:2-3 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Jesus for the joy before him endured the cross and He did it so that I won't grow weary! Jesus knew the grief and pain but willingly went to the cross for the joy. If Jesus did it for me, then I can do it for the possibility of having children.

9. Loneliness is a lie. The stark statisitics are that 1 in 6 couples experience inferitiliy. The most recent statistic from the CDC say that 7.3 million women in the US alone went to their health care providers about infertility issuess. Not all of them used IVF, but we are NOT ALONE. It is possible that eh woman with three children in your church used IVF. Maybe that sweet couple is longing for kids and has failed multiple IVF attempts. Satan will try to make you feel isolated, alone. We have to remember, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." [Deuteronomy 31:8]

10. IVF changed me forever. I always thought IVF would be a tool to get me more children and then be discarded. I would leave it in my past and continue life as if IVF had never enetered it. Instead, I have discovered that I am forever changed. I am not the same woman I was before IVF, I am better, I am different, I am more compassionate. God used this experience to teach me to say no to myself, my desires, my plans, and say yes to Him, His desires, His plans. Much like Jesus in the garden prayed, "...not my will, but yours be done." I learned to say no to myself and yes to Him regarless of the price.

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Reprinted by permission from Stepping Stones, a newsletter for infertile
couples published by Bethany Christian Services. For more information
go to www.ssministry.net.
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If you have been blessed by this message, I hope you will consider looking into Bethany Christian Services and supporting them with your prayers and/or donations. If you are interesed in receiving the Stepping Stones newsletter, please email stepasst@bethany.org or call (616) 224-7488

They also have a bookstore (www.bethany.org/stepstore) which will contain Christian resources for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can even access a selection of past Stepping Stones artilces by visiting the website http://www.ssministry.net/

I was not prompted to write this promotion for the website. It's just something I felt led to share. It was one of the resources I found to be most helpful while I walked through infertility.

Is anyone out there?!?

Hello Friends! After a short...okay, long...period of time away, I'm back to blogging. I had a terribly busy semester for school which included me writing two instructional design plans (IDP for short if any of you saw me complaining via F@cebook). It's basically a 10 day unit of class material. For my Language Arts unit, I chose to complete an IDP on "Drivers Ed" by Caroline Cooney. Are any of you familiar with that title? It's a Young Adolescent Literature novel where a group of kids decide to steal a stop sign as a celebratory festivities of passing Drivers Ed. In the novel, a young mother gets killed when she is involved in an automobile accident.

Until I was working on this novel, I had no idea that something like this really happened. It probably has happened on several occasions, however the instance I am referring was the first notable case. Three 18 year olds who were driving home from a night of bowling were killed when other teenagers stole a stop sign. The offenders each received 15 years in prison for manslaughter. Crazy, huh? The entire topic of my unit dealt with adult-like themes such as responsibility, honesty, guilt... These are things often forsaken in our classrooms. It doesn't make them any less important, though, does it?

Anywho, that's what I've been up to. It's been a long bumpy ride and I am ready for some down time with my family, friends, and blogger family. I hope to be posting much more frequently in the days ahead. I also have some unfinished business to attend to (...uh-um...like finishing a book review I committed to).

I've spent the last hour or so catching up on all of you! Please know that if I have failed to comment, it isn't because I don't care about you or what you are going through. I have been praying none-the-less. I'm heading to bed now. Please say a quick prayer for my Sweet Kohen. He feels quite rotten today. I took him to the doctor earlier, and I was told "Well, he has fluid on both eardrums, and he has a really bad cold/cough." No crap! But I wasn't given any meds to make him feel better. So, I'm playing the up/down game at night time to check on him. I'm exhausted.

Please continue to pray for my friend, Kara. Unfortunately, the last time I blogged I coveted your prayers for the complications in her pregnancy. I'm deeply saddened to report her little angle has gone to Heaven. I have loss two babies to miscarriage, so I know first head her heartache--many of you know it as well. Please pray her her peace and comfort in the upcoming week.