Parenting after Infertility....

I have had this blog swimming around in my head for the past 3 weeks. I couldn't seem to find the time to get it down to share with caring for a newborn. It's hard to believe that my son will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. Where has the time gone?

If I had it to do over again, I would still opt for a c-section. I checked into the hospital on 02/10/09 around 5:30 a.m. I had to give my medical history and get the IV started, but at a little after 7 a.m. I was taken into the operating room for my epidural. Baby K entered the world at 7:53 a.m., and it was all over with. I was a mommy.

My first week at home was rough. I don't mean this in a way that sounds ungrateful, but I was completely overwhelmed. Call it postpartum, call it anxiety, but I believe that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I couldn't eat. I was so emotionally distraught that I was vomiting and had major stomach issues. As I would get up to feed Baby K, all I could think was, "I don't know if I can do this..." I believe I was having a hard time bonding with Baby K. It's almost as if I didn't know how to find closure for the chapter in my life titled "infertility."

The second week was much better. Perhaps I was getting use to the sleep deprivation. Baby K wakes every 2 hours to nurse, so I decided to supplement him with some formula also. This relieved some of the stress from breast feeding off of me. Now, I nurse during the day and he takes bottles at night. Even though he still wakes every 2-2.5 hours, I easily get out of bed and greet him with open arms. I love to watch his facial expressions while he is sleeping. He smiles, and it melts my heart.

Infertility robbed me from so many good moments in our lives over the last five years. I don't know how I did it, but I finally kissed goodbye to that evil curse. I will say that parenting is much harder than I expected it to be. Most days I feel as if I am a zombie. But infertility gave me something very special that I had failed to recognize: I have so much love, appreciation, and thanksgiving for this little life. I don't know that if I had gotten pregnant easily that I would feel so blessed by his presence in my life. I have never loved anyone in the way that I love my son. The bond that I now share with him is incomparable to any other bond I've ever felt before.

Yesterday at church, my associate pastor sang a song that says, "Somebody's praying, I can feel it. Somebody's praying for me." I can't express my gratitude to the people who prayed for me during this time in my life. I am still praying for those of you waiting on your answered prayers faithfully. I pray for God to give you peace admist your waiting.

I'll leave you with these:

Introducing....

Hello Ladies! Please meet our son:

Baby K
Born @ 7:53 a.m. 02/10/09
7lbs 6 oz.
21" long

The doctors were so wrong. He wasn't little at all. He's absolutely perfect. More to come later!

It's official....

After Tuesday's follow up ultrasound to measure growth and my regular doc appt yesterday, it appears that Baby K will grace us with his beautiful presence Tues, Feb 10, around 9 a.m. via c-section. He will be delivered by our amazing doctor, Dr. R, who I completely trust with both of our health.

Tuesday's ultrasound was precautionary. It definitely seems that Baby K will be on the smaller side. His head is measuring in the 19th percentile, his legs are measuring in the 22nd percentile, and his abdomen is measuring in at 26th percentile. Dr. R says that although he will be "small" he will appear to be a little chunky :) This makes mom and dad really happy.... I was so worried he was going to be "preemie" small. We found out that he is estimated to weigh right at 6lbs right now. Dr. R said he could realistically make me wait another week since I am due Feb 17. However, for nutritional reasons it is best he come early.

Thank you all for your comments on our photo's. I was somewhat hesitant to post them. I want to be sensitive to all of your feelings. I know so many of you are still waiting on your miracles, and I hope you know that I pray every day that your time is drawing near.

The Last Days....

These are just a few sneak peaks of the pregnancy portraits we had made. Enjoy!

Sorry for the delay...

I am a week over-due writing the update on the level 2 ultrasound. Things are crazy busy right now. I am back in school Monday and Wednesday nights, and I am trying to get ready to welcome Baby K into the world in 3 weeks. (EEEEKKKK!!!! THREE weeks people!)

Long story short, Baby K seems to be well. The ultrasound did show that he has what's called a hydrocele in his private area. But from what I've heard/read, this isn't too uncommon for little boys. It should either a)correct itself on its own, or b)it can be surgically corrected in the future. The main cause for concern is that his head is still measuring behind his body. Not too far behind, but small. Dr. R made me laugh to ease my concern. He said that usually when he looks at patients he thinks, "Dang, you've got a big head." So his theory is that Baby K comes from a small headed family. He feels this is all "precautionary" because I am still--even at 37 weeks--considered high risk.

However, with that said, I have another follow up ultrasound on FEB 3 at the same hospital. I am stoked that we get to take another peak at him (especially since the little booger keeps his hands in front of his face ALL THE TIME.)

As it stands right now, Baby K will be here on Feb 10 by c-section. (For those who are new to my blog, I can't have a natural birth because I severly fractured my pelvis when I was in high school. If I were to have a natural birth, I risk re-fracturing it during labor.) When we go back on Feb 3 for our final ultrasound, if he still hasn't grown, then he will be taken before Feb 10. Dr. R explained that if he wasn't growing well in-utero then our next best option was to get him out so he can be taken care of. As of last Monday, he only weighs 4lbs 14 oz...

So, even though it would be nice to have Baby K grace us with his presence early, the best thing is for him to bake just a bit longer.

Thank you all for your prayers and support over the past week and I covent your continued prayers for Baby K to grow!!!!!!!

A Miracle of Miracles....

I get an inspirational email every day and I wanted to share this with all of you. I couldn't help but plug in words here and there to describe Infertility. Try it. I hope this encourages all of you still waiting for your miracles....


A Miracle Of Miracles: Realizing An Impossible Dream
By: Saralee Perel
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem
improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become
inevitable." Christopher Reeve

Recently, for the first time in 5 years I simply went out back, put my
cane down, and started walking. I made it 42 yards.

Today I walked 5 miles.

My medical team had said this would be impossible. My brain could no
longer send the signals for walking because those nerves in my spinal
cord had been destroyed. Though certainly unintentional, my doctors
did take something very important away from me: hope.

A while back, a psychologist pal of mine urged me to try to help
myself. I was angry. I said, "They're four of Boston's leading
neurologists. They all said I'd never get any better."

"They could have all been wrong."

"They said there's nothing I can do! No rehabilitation. No physical
therapy. I'm not putting any effort into trying to walk and then be
miserable when I fail."

"Trying is never failure."

I'd get steaming mad at people like her. What did they know? They came
out in droves. I heard various things I should try: a soy-based diet,
massage, Yoga, acupuncture, positive thinking. All of these
well-meaning non-experts believed that traditional medical doctors do
not know everything about human potential.

However, there was a common denominator in my friends' advice. And
that was the word, "Try."

What made me finally try? The answer is simpler than I'd have ever
imagined. That day I tried walking on my own, I had simply said to
myself, "Why not?"

When I walk I have a Frankenstein-style gait. I get embarrassed so I
explain. I met a gal who said, "Stop excusing yourself. Walk proud!"
She's just one of the many who've taught me that if I open my heart to
acceptance, the world is filled with support teams.

I've also resolved to open my obstinate mind and really listen to
others, experts or not. This not only fosters my own sometimes-frail
belief in my abilities; it fosters faith in miracles.

One morning my husband, Bob, said there was a huge present for me in
our driveway. He had researched "bicycles for disabled people." It was
a 300 pound cycle for two. The seats were side by side. He could pedal
while I sat by him and enjoyed the outdoors again.

Um . . . did I mention it came assembled with a set of pedals for me too?

Now, hundreds of miles later, after exhaustive hours of pedaling along
beautiful bike trails, I only wish that we owned stock in Ben-Gay.

Bob needs a tube a day to keep up with me.

Last week he repeated, "There's a huge present in our driveway." He
led me outside. "Voila!" he said. "Oh no," I moaned. Bob dubbed it
"The One-Woman Dynamo Power Bike."

"Sweetheart? You know I can't bike on my own."

He laughed sweetly. "I know. And you can't walk either. Then why does
the pedometer I bought you have 74 miles on it?"

And so, I made a now often repeated declaration that I am praying
others will say to themselves as well. "Yes. I can."

Think I love my bike? You bet. Think I love Bob? Of course. Think I
love life again after cloistering myself in a self imposed no-can-do
closet? Goodness! You have to ask?

How do we find hope when hope seems impossible? Do we simply believe
in our hearts, our minds and our very souls that we can beat the odds?

Yes.

Christopher Reeve said, "When we have hope, we discover powers within
ourselves we may have never known. Once we choose hope, everything is
possible."

His immutable words still ring in my heart and I so hope they will in
everyone else's: "And you don't have to be a 'Superman' to do it."

Saralee Perel is an award-winning columnist, novelest, and retired
psychotherapist. Also, she is a contributor to Chicken Soup for the
Soul, Family Circle Magazine, the Dallas News and many other
publications. Her novel, "Raw Nerves" - A Cape Cod Comedic Thriller,
enjoys very favorable reviews, and can be purchased at Amazon.com (use
link above)
Saralee Perel, can be reached at sperel@saraleeperel.com.
Her web site: www.saraleeperel.com/

Copyright © 2008

Dr. Appt update...

Hello All!

I had my doctor's appt on Monday which entailed (what I thought would be) my last ultrasound. Baby K weighs in at approximately 5lbs. His heart rate is good and he is measuring right on target. However, his head is measuring around a week behind his body. Ideally if I were having a natural birth, this would = less pain. However, my c-section is scheduled for Feb 10, so I would prefer his entire body be measuring on the same week. Also, it appears that there is some fluid around my little boy's private area which has caused some swelling. Dr. R almost laughed when he told me there would be no denying that he's a boy. (It's okay to laugh. I did. Not really something a mother wants to hear about her baby boy.) I was a little caught off guard, but overall okay....UNTIL....

I was told I needed to have another ultrasound at a Fetal Care Center just to be certain that my doctor hasn't missed anything. No big deal. I was also encouraged to have an amniocenteses--which totally freaked me out. I will not consent to that at this point in my pregnancy. I know it's a risky procedure, and to me and K, it doesn't matter if something is chromosomally wrong with Baby K. It never would have mattered. We love him.

I also seem to be losing weight. I actually haven't gained any weight in the past 8 weeks. From my appointment 2 weeks ago until Monday, I somehow managed to lose 4 lbs. This makes my overall weight gain 23 lbs.

So, my next regular appointment is Monday at 9 am. Then I am off to the Fetal Care Center 2 hrs away from my home at 1 pm to take one last look at Baby K before he makes his grand entrance. I can't believe he'll be here in 5 weeks!!!!!!

We are praying that all of this means nothing and that Baby K is as healthy as can be. I'll keep you all updated as soon as I know more. In the mean time, my first of 3 baby showers is at work this Friday. I am so excited!!!! It's going to be a busy month for us!

2008 Reflections....

One year ago, I was here. I can't believe that 365 days later, I am now on the down-hill spiral to finally welcoming my son home. A son I was told that would never be. A son I was told to give up on. A son I prayed for in excess of five years. I am so humbled that God takes over control where science says it is impossible. I've always believed with God all things are possible, but now my circumstances are reassurance to anyone who doubts. I hope this somehow gives all of you who are still waiting on your prayers to be answered hope. Keep praying--even when you feel all prayed out.

My latest dr. appt went well. I was told that my son's heartrate sounded good. I asked Dr. R for one last ultrasound since we hadn't had one since finding out the sex at 17 weeks. We are having our final ultrasound next Monday. Dr. R did tell me that my son is measuring "small." These words terrified me at first. Dr. R told me the only reason he was telling me this is because the ultrasound tech would probably mention to me that he is a small baby. So, how small is "small?" Dr. R estimates that my baby isn't quite 4 lbs yet. Overall, I expect to have a little baby. Both K and I were under 7lbs and I am relatively little compared to many expectant mothers. I feel a little better about Baby K being little now than I did a week ago. I know I still have 6 weeks to go, so I hope he picks up some lbs in my final days. (And FYI for any of you still interested in our nursery. I am patiently waiting on K to STILL put up our baby border so I can post pictures.)

Christmas was very busy. My dad's side of the family gathered for Christmas this year, first time in years. We all really miss my Aunt Cathy, and even though the mood was kind of somber, we enjoyed spending time together. We also celebrated with K's immediate family, K's extended family, my grandparents, my immediate family...It was as if I blinked my eyes and it was over. Busy, busy...

I can't believe 2009 is only 2 days away. I pray that the upcoming New Year brings us all good health, happiness, and hope.

Passing On...

On behalf of my entire family, thank you all for your prayers for my aunt's recovery. I am deeply saddened to write that as of yesterday, my aunt passed away. If you could please continue to pray for my family--especially her son, Jason--we would all be so appreciative...

Prayer Request...

I am in need of a special prayer request from you guys. My dad's sister, Cathy, had a heart attack on Monday and is in ICU. Long story short, Cathy has asthma. She had been having trouble with asthma attacks recently and had been seen by a doctor on Sunday and Monday of this week. Her doctors gave her some shots to help open up her lungs. However, after leaving the doctor's office on Monday she had a really bad attack. She couldn't breath at all by the time she called 911. The asthma attack was so bad it sent her into cardic arrest. EMT's responded to the call and found her unconscience and unresponsive upon arrival. It is estimated that she went without oxygen for around 5 minutes.

Due to her lack of oxygen, she now how swelling in the brain. Yesterday, the family was called in because she needed to have a CT scan. Doctor's were unsure that she was stable enough to move, so they wanted our family there incase something went wrong. Thankfully, she did survive the CT scan, but now has developed MRSA.

Our family has been told that her prognosis is very poor. She has lost some brain activity, we don't know how severe that will be. Her chest x-ray looks good and it appears that she has had minimal effects on her heart. However, the swelling of her brain is not decreasing--it's not increasing either, thank goodness, but we are all praying for it to decrease.

She has a son who is devestated right now. My heart aches for him so badly. And lastly, she is only 42 yr. old. Please pray for my family and for God to provide another medical miracle! I know that miracles happen every day!

Update...

Things are moving right along for us. I had my GDD test last week, which thankfully I passed. Things seem to be going great for my son. His heart rate is good and he kicks up a storm. His mommy--not so great.

First I am exhausted. I actually went to the doc today because I felt as though I may be on the verge of dehydration. I was slightly dehydrated, but Dr. R felt more so that my exhaustion was 1)welcoming me to the 3rd/final trimester, 2)sleep depreviation, 3)the ugly UTI that I have, and 4)low iron. My son also loves to snuggle up beside of my rib cages, so it makes breathing a little more difficult. So, I skipped school tonight and spent the evening catching up on all your blogs.

I am also a little on the "hormonal" side. And I swear, if K says that one more time to me, I may literally knock his teeth out. (Nah, but it really is getting on my nerves.) I cry at almost everything these days. The good, the bad, the really doesn't matter---all bring out the water works. So what if I'm hormonal...I know this.

Eleven weeks to go! When did this happen? (It's acually 10 weeks since I will be having a c-section around Feb 10). I am almost in the single digits--and may I say that I am counting down the days!

Thanksgiving was awesome. My mom and mother-in-law are the best cooks ever. I certainly ate my share--and everyone else's too. I'm stressed out about Christmas shopping. I have yet to buy my first gift! Shhh! Don't tell anyone. This is so UNLIKE me!!!!

I'm glad all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Thanks to those of you who checked in on me. I'm sorry for the delay.

Decisions made...

I have finally decided to breastfeed. And since I bought one of these, there really is no going back now. My cousin's wife had one to sell, so I snatched it up at a rather great deal. I'm a bit nervous, since I don't know the first thing about breast feeding, but I am going to give it a shot. And if I don't like it, I'm going to try to stick with it anyway to save $. Now, if it become too stressful, of course we move on to formula. However, I have thought about it in great detail over the past few months, and right now, I'm in.

We have a daycare provider lined up. Let me insert rant here ---> Although I am completely grateful to be having this child, I am a bit stressed out about how on earth we are going to be able to afford daycare costs in addition to all those other baby expenses. A third of my income will now go to pay childcare expenses alone. That is really going to put a dent in our money. My mom keeps telling me that once our son arrives that I am not going to want to leave him. I know she's right, but like the majority of other two income families, I don't really get that choice. My income is necessary to supplement K's or else we will lose our house. (Don't see the govt bailing us out?!?!)

We have also picked our son's name. We will name him Kade Mason K... However, to protect our privacy, from this point forward you will only see me refer to him as Baby K.

Lastly, we have began to construct his nursery. We are using Rainbow fish as our theme and it is quite cute, if I must say so myself. I can't wait to put the final touches in so I can post pics for you all...

CHANGE is coming....

The election is over. I am a bit relieved and disheartened. I saw this on a church billboard and wanted to pass it on:

The CHANGE America needs is found in the BIBLE.

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

"My people" entails ALL people--Republicans and Democrats, All ethnic groups,ALL genders, ALL religions.

Will you join me in praying for our country?

Dear Mr. Obama....

Fireproof

You guys, I saw one of the best movies EVER this weekend. Here is the trailer for the movie. I hope you check it out!

Randomness....

I don't have anything profound to say. Just wanted to share some random thoughts.

-I am tired of hearing about the election. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss regular TV commercials. I know this is an important election year, and I have every intention of voting. In fact, K and I have already requested absentee ballots so we don't have to stand in line. However, I'll be completely relieved when the election itself is over.

-It's only 42 days until Thanksgiving (70 days until Christmas). Does anyone else feel as if the holidays snuck up on them this year? I love both holidays, but I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I have so much to be thankful for.

-My to-do list is getting longer and longer. I have so much to do before baby K arrives. Unfortunately, every day when I get home all I want to do is lay down. We have to put up the border for his room, clean out the closet, register...will I get all of this done before his arrival--especially with the holiday's approaching?

-I had a doctor's appt on Tues. Everything is good. I'm still not drinking enough water. What's new? If you're not a water drinker (like me) how do you manage to get enough liquids to stay well hydrated? I've been having some light-headedness and tunnel vision which Dr. R says is related to my hydration. So as I type, I'm trying to manage to chug my water bottle. Yuck!

-I read this in my devotional this morning and I thought I would share it. It is from Breaking Free by Beth Moore:

"God is not a man who lies, or the son of man who changes His mind. Does He speak and not act, or promise and not fulfill?" Numbers 23:19

"Can you think of a time when God proved unworthy of your confidence? If we think we've discovered unfaithfulness in God, I believe one of three things has happened: 1) we misinterpreted the promise, 2)we missed the answer, or 3) we gave up before God timed His response.

We must simply keep believeing Him, because unbelief is crippling, casting huge obstacles in the way of a victorious life. The steps we take forward with God, we take through faith. This doesn't mean He asks us to believe in our ability to exercise unwavering faith. He merely asks us to believe that He is able."

-Hope you each have a wonderful Thursday if you made it to the end of my randomness.

God's Value of Money

I received this as an email. I wanted to share it because it has a very powerful message that we all should remember during the financial crisis that exists today.

God's Value of Money
By: Vonette Bright
"...Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's
life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."
Luke 12:15

In these days of economic slowdowns and job layoffs, it's good to
remember the value God places on "money."

The poorest person in the world isn't the one who's gone bankrupt.
They're the one who is without God, and consequently without hope in
the world.

Some years ago, the editors of "The Wall Street Journal," made a
powerful statement. They pointed out:
"Money is the article which may be used as a universal passport to
everywhere, except heaven, and the universal provider of everything
except... happiness."

And, they're right!

You see, as Christians our happiness is centered on our personal
relationship with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Jesus said it best...
"A person's life doesn't consist of the things which he possesses."

Because, ultimately... The best things in life... AREN'T "things"!

First Place Goes to....

ME!!!!! I am awarding myself this blue ribbon for being the WORST BLOGGER EVER!!!!!

I'm sorry folks, things have been crazy busy for me the past few weeks. I am balancing work, school, voulenteering, family, friends, etc. I have been reading most of your blogs, but I haven't been posting or commenting. Honestly, I don't have very much to say that would interest you. My life is pretty predictable these days. My weekends are spent doing all the things I neglected to do during the week or catching up on my much needed rest.

I have surpassed the 20 week mark finally. In celebration of the 20th week, I bought something for the baby (a cute camo jacket, cargo pants, onsie, camo socks) and a card for K telling him he was half way to meeting his son. (This was a huge hit for him since he is an avid hunter. For any of you close to 20 weeks I'd recommend doing this for your daddy-to-be. You could tell K was really touched by the gesture.)

I am also beginning to really look pregnant. My friends, family, and co-workers are spoiling me rotten! The further along I get, the more random presents show up on my desk or at my house. My son has a sweet tooth, so people buy me candy often. I've also gotten a flag, picture frame, and teddy bear stating "It's a Boy!" I am so humbled by the genorisity I have received, and it's heartwarming to know my son will be loved by so many people.

That's about it for me. While you are here though, please go send these people some love:

Janna is in love!!!!
Go wish Casey luck! She is having an IUI tomorrow.
Give Courtney some encouragement. She's waiting to test again.
Hug Jill who had a snow-baby transfer a few days ago.
Alison is having a boy incase you haven't heard!
Mel is having a girl!

Thankful Thursday....

I am thankful that we have made it another day with our "son." (I'm still getting use to the idea.) I am thankful that my health has remained great during this pregnancy and that I now feel movement from baby K quite often, which reassures me all is well.

I am thankful that school hasn't been too overwhelming so far. I am thankful that I didn't wait until the last minute to start my field service time (40 hrs in a public school by mid November) and that I already have completed about 11 hrs.

I am thankful for the student I am mentoring. He's a class clown and a bit immature for his age, but he makes me smile. He's been very receptive towards me so far, and that makes me feel as if I am in the right profession.

I am thankful that Saturday, our nephew will be 13!!! We only see him in the summer time because he lives in MT, but we love and miss him very much!

I am thankful that other people have stopped to find things to be thankful for today--you know who you are :) I am thankful for the cyber friends I have made and the prayers they have lifted for me. I am thankful that I can pray for them too knowing we serve the same Higher Power.

I am thankful that Autumn begins on Monday--yipee!

I am thankful I still have 97 shopping days until Christmas!

What are you thankful for?

It's a.....