Thoughts...

So, I have finally found enough courage to add my ticker to this page. I have made it to a milestone, 9 weeks. With my last two pregnancies, I never made it this far. That is a bit relieving, but I still have moments where the future seems so uncertain. I have been meditating on God's word regarding my doubt. I found this bible verse today, and it was as if God Himself pointed it out to me.
It is Jeremiah 29:11

I know the plans I have for you....plans for your welfare, not disaster, to give you
a future and a hope.

Per Be.th Moo.re's excerpt from today's entry of her book Breaking Free Day by Day:

We often see ourselves as having such fragile, breakable souls. We live in fear of that which we are certain and convinced we cannot survive. But as children of God we are only as fragile as our unwillingness to turn and hide our face in Him. Our pride alone is fragile. Once it shell is broken and our hearts are laid bare, we can then begin to sense the caress of God's tender care.

Wow! That spoke wonders to me heart. There is another verse that a friend shared with me about hope.

It is Romans 15:13

Now the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and PEACE in BELIEVING, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Praying for us all to hide our face in Him during times that we feel fragile. Praying that we are filled with Hope and Peace in Believing that God is in control.

Some things I've learned....

I went in for my OB work up today. Dr. R said that everything is going just as it should. I just love him--thanks Deidre! (Deidre and I go to the same church and she encouraged me to get a 2nd opinion from my last practice. I had no idea that I was picking her doctor out of the phonebook, but I am so glad he had a biggest ad in the yellow pages.)

Dr. R asked when my next ultrasound was scheduled and I told him Aug 13. He said that seemed a bit long to wait. He confided in me that he and his wife have 3 children, but have had 4 miscarriages along the way. He said he was privileged to be able to have an ultrasound anytime he wanted it--he owned the machine. So, he said he was bringing me back in before that...How about 2 weeks---July 23! That is so awesome. I will be 10 weeks, then I get to have another one at 13 weeks. I just love it!!!!!!! His philosophy is, "he knows I'm stressed out---really stressed after have subsequent losses and years of IF, so he is willing to anything he can to help alleviate that."

Other than that, I was told to supplement my diet with tums 3-4 times per day for the calcium. He also said I needed to be drinking 14-16 glasses of water per day.

Some things I've determined:

• I can't concentrate on anything. I feel a bit frazzled all the time now. I am having a really hard time staying on task at anything I do.
• I think that Wipeout is my newest favorite TV show....EVER. Did you catch last night's episode? (Hilarious!)
• There is NOOOOO way I can drink 14-16 glasses of water per day as recommended by my doctor.
• My comfort food of choice is currently loaded baked potatoes.
• My dreams are uncontrollable these days. Very weird, random stuff that I would never think of.

Hope you are all having a great week!

Back from the beach....

We are now home (sigh!). I had a fabulous time at the beach with my in-laws. I think I've mentioned before how fortunate I am to have married into such a wonderful family. We spent most of our time out on the beach so the boys--D and A--could swim in the ocean. We laughed so many times this week at how silly these boys can be. For instance, they invented this game called "Save yourself or the ball." They would wait until a huge wave was about to start and throw it at each other just as the wave peaked...You could either go for the ball and take a wave to the face or save yourself and miss the ball... Well, let's just say they each took a brutal beating from the ocean and even convinced my hubby, K, and his brother, N, to play. Very funny stuff....

I am back at work in the real world now. I'm playing catch up on my statistic's class and staying very busy.

P mentioned below, feel free to skip.

I feel okay so far. I am 8 weeks today. I haven't really had any morning sickness other than the occasional nausea if I let my stomach get too empty. I feel really nauseous when my feet hit the floor each morning and I have developed an ugly gag reflex. I have had two really bad headaches in the past two weeks, probably from the hormone changes. Since I am a migraine sufferer, I've had to just tough it out. I have been authorized to take Tylenol, but I don't want to do anything at all to risk this baby's health. So....I am coping with ice packs and dark rooms.

I'm a little sluggish, but I think that is from exhaustion from traveling. I have a dr. appt in the morning for my OB work up and to meet with the finance people. I am eager to see if my iron may be a tad on the low side. On the other hand, I have been eating like a horse!

Just wanted to say hello and tell you all that I am still praying for you.

A day late, but here are the pics....

I was suppose to post these pics last night, but didn't get around to it. These are the two clearest pics that I was given. This is my favorite, the heartbeating....

This pic, if you look just left of the arrow, you will see where the baby's head is growing. And, what's really awesome, if you look close enough you can see where the arms are already starting to bud.

We are leaving to go to the beach this afternoon with K's family. We are returning on Sunday. Most of our family is already there, but K, me, and his dad are leaving at 5pm. I wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July, safe travels and blessings.

Elaine

We have a heartbeat! Thank you God!

I just got in from my ultrasound, and we have a heartbeat! The baby's heart was beating 146 beats per minute and was measuring 6w4d. (According to my last cycle, I should be 6w6d.) The tech said this is exactly where the baby should be right now. I am just so unbelievably thankful! The ultra sound tech zoomed in so we could hear the heart beating, and it was the most beautiful sound I think I've ever heard. I am so thankful for all of your prayers and well wishes! I will post pics of the ultra sound later tonight. Due date according to ultra sound is Feb 19, 2009.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful to have made it another day. (One day at a time....)

I am thankful that my statistic's teacher curved our mid-terms by 10 points! Yippee!! That test was so difficult, so I'll take any points she wants to give us!

I am thankful that next week we will be at the beach with all of K's immediate family. Our nephew who is visiting from MT is so excited that we all are going. I can't wait to relax and spend time making new memories with my family. I really am blessed to have married into such a wonderful family.

(Ok, this is kind of cheesy, but...) I'm thankful that I tuned in to watch WIPEOUT on ABC Tuesday night. I laughed until my sides hurt! It felt so good to be laughing that hard at silly stuff. You guys should really tune in next week. Hilarious!

I'm thankful that Chris has been potentially matched with birthparents. I'm thankful Glenna is home safe with her new son, Isaiah.

I'm thankful that our Foster training is complete. We only have CPR, First-Aid, and our Home-study to go. (Casey asked if we still intended to pursue fostering since our recent announcement, and I have to say yes. This is something K and I still feel led to do.)

I'm thankful that it's such a beautiful day!

Thanks Ladies!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who offered your congratulations and prayers. It means so much to me to know you all are here to offer support in good times and bad. I can't put into words what you all (and this blog) have come to mean to me. K and I have decided to only tell a handful of people (parents, siblings, close friends) with the request that they respect our privacy. Basically, we told those people who we know have a strong prayer life and relationship with the Lord. I am humbled to know that I am an answered prayer that so many people had prayed for me. I believe that they prayed when I just couldn't pray about this anymore. I am requesting that those same people continue to pray for the health of this child.

I'll let you all in on something...this has sort of calmed my anxiety. In the Bible, Hannah prayed to the Lord to give her a child under the terms that once God gave her a child, she would give him back to the Lord. This is why so many young families have baby dedications in church services. Well, once I found out I was pregnant, I felt immediately as if I should give the child back to the Lord from within my womb. It doesn't make me a saint, but it just felt appropriate. So, I am trying not to worry about what the next 9 months entails (although this feeling comes and goes). I know this child already belongs to God, and he will enable me to protect and provide for it, as long as it's within His will for our lives.

I pledge to pray for you all in hopes that you too will be sharing good news with the blogging world. I sent an email to a friend which said, "I was told I would have to use donor eggs to get pregnant. Now, I know if God can work a miracle with my eggs, He can do just as mighty things to other eggs and sperm." I will continually pray for God to hear our prayers until they break through Heaven like a flood.

I love you all.

Can you all keep a secret?

I have been impatiently waiting to tell you all.....after 5 years of ttc....and 2 miscarriages....I am currently 6weeks pregnant. My projected due date: Feb 17, 2009.

This came as a total surprise to me and K. I've known for about 2 weeks. It's been so hard not to shout this from the roof tops. I want to be so very excited--but history speaks loudly, and I am so very scared.

I called my doc on June 12 and told him of my positive test. He wanted me to come in immediately. I saw the nurse who loaded me down with vitamins, magazines, pamphlets... At one point, I had to just say..."I really appreciate you giving me all this stuff, but I'm just not ready to be reading any pregnancy magazines." She understood. I didn't get to see the doc, but he prescribed progesterone suppositories to be taken at night until I am 12 weeks.

I actually had to go back to the doc last week because I developed a UTI. This time, I was able to see Dr. R himself. He asked me how I felt. I explained I was cautiously over the moon. He then asked me if I had any ultrasounds scheduled. I told him the nurse set my first two appointments (July 9th for an OB workup; Aug 13 ultrasound--I would be 13 weeks). He asked how I felt about that, and I told him I was really nervous of another blighted ovum. So, he is bringing me in early for a vitality ultrasound.

This is set for Monday, June 30. Please, please, please....don't stop praying for me now. I want so much to believe that this time will be different. I know that God already knows the outcome. Each morning, I say to myself, "Elaine, we just have to make it though today...." I am trying not to worry about the future, but as you can tell, my anxiety is at a peak.

We finished up our foster parent training this past weekend. We still have our home study to do, and CPR/First Aid.

To all my sweet friends....I've felt defeated more times than I could count on this IF journey. I learn every day that the Lord still answers prayers. Whatever happens, we will thank him for giving us the time we have had to love this little one whom we've never met.

What I would give to meet this little one.... I am high risk, and I have been ordered by Dr. R to abstain from sex until 8-10 weeks. He wants to see the baby's heart beat first. So, please, please pray for a healthy baby next Monday....with a good, strong heart beat.

Happy Monday!

I hope you are all doing well. I had an extremely busy week last week. K and I are almost finished with our fostering training. We actually only have 2 classes left! The past 3 weeks have passed so quickly!

I have a midterm at school on Wednesday for my statistics class. I am looking forward to kissing this class goodbye, and I am relieved that it is half-way over! On the other hand, I can't wait for my Education program to start this fall! I love school---it's such a good distraction for me.

There are so many things going on right now, but I will save for another post. I will appreciate your continued prayers.

Praying for you all!
Elaine

Update....

Hello all! I must say first and foremost, I miss you all so much! I have been reading your posts and commenting here and there. Things are going full speed ahead for me at the moment, so if you feel neglected or forgotten, you certainly aren't.

Updates:

School: I am doing better at my statistic's class right now. I am actually about a week ahead of schedule, so that has really helped take a load off my shoulders.

Beach: The girls beach trip was so much fun. I can't wait to do that again sometime in the near future. One thing happened though that no one expected. One of the girl's who went with us received a call early last Saturday that her house had caught fire the night before. She was actually allowing someone to house sit for her while at the beach. Everyone made it out safe, pets included, but she lost almost everything. The only clothes she currently has is the one's she took with her to the beach. We are all scrambling around like crazy trying to help anyway that we can, but she is very upset. Please remember her in your prayers. I don't think she's a Christian, but I am not sure. I couldn't imagine handling something like that without the grace God provides during tragedy.

Fostering: We have now completed 1/3 of our training. K and I both have been fingerprinted and completed our physicals. This week, we have 2 classes (Meeting Developmental Needs-Discipline & Strengthening/Continuing Family Relationships). I can't believe the things I have learned so far about foster children, myself, my husband. I continue to believe that this is God's plan for our lives, but request your continued prayers. I know that if/when a child is placed in our care that it will be a huge transition for everyone involved.

Please be patient as I am posting less often right now. On top of all this other stuff we have going on, our nephew will be here tomorrow. He lives in MT with his mother. We only get to see him once per year (in the summer). So, we have to pack into 6 weeks what we give our other niece/nephews in an entire year. Not a lot of down time for us right now...and I feel a little sleep deprived!!!! (That is my favorite hobby....and I am finding less and less time to enjoy it these days.)

Love and prayers for you all!

Peeking in....

I've been the epiphany of a busy bee lately. First, my on-line class has began. I am officially a student--yippee! I am taking statistics, and if I can, I'd like to go ahead and insert a vent here: I had forgotten how HARD that is! I've never taken an on-line class because, frankly I am not too disciplined to make myself study on my own schedule. However, I can honestly say, I've spent so much time on this class already and I am only starting the second week!

Fostering update: I've taken my physical and went this morning for my TB shot. I have to go back on Thursday to have the TB shot looked at, then I can check that off of the million things I have left to do for this program. K has his physical next week. Our training sessions begin June 3 and will last until June 21. We have to go to class every Tues/Thur night and all day on Saturday for 3 weeks. (So, I've been trying to work ahead in my Statistics class so I am not so overwhelmed in June.)

Birth mother update: If you are wondering what I am speaking of, you can read this entry. The birth mother has had our attorney information for 2 1/2 weeks now, and she still hasn't called. She may have changed her mind, which she has every right to do. However, I hope and pray she calls soon to let me know one way or the other. If we will be taking in her baby, we need to be getting ready for that transition. She's due in June...and June is almost here!!!!

This weekend: I am going on a long awaited girls trip to the Beach. We have 13 girls going, some of which I don't really know, but I am looking forward to getting to know better. I've never gone on an all girls trip, but I am really looking forward to it. It will be short lived, but I just love the beach and will use any excuse I can to go there. Not to mention, my friends have been so supportive of me and this journey. I can't wait to get in some girl-time. I was presently surprised when K said I could go, because we haven't ever been away from each other for things like this. Sure, he's had business trips and such, but he's never gone on a guy trip.

I think that's about it for now. I was just peeking in to give you all an update and wish you all a great week!!!!!

Oppps.....

I sort of kind of made a boo-boo.... I "tried" to change the layout of my page and in doing so lost all of the favorite blogs I visit. Please leave me a comment here so I can link back to all of you wonderful people if you don't see your name listed on my blogroll.

Orientation...

It's a go. We are in for the long haul. I am so excited! Orientation lasted about 2 hrs last night. We were told what we could expect from the agency, as well as what was to be expected of us. Our first training session begins June 3. We will have training on Tues/Thurs nights and Saturday all day. We will complete our last training June 21.

The entire process from start to finish is about 4 months. You have to have home studies, fire inspections, physicals, criminal background checks, fingerprinting, training in CPR/First Aid, Medication administration, and blood born pathogens. Then you must wait until a child comes along with the specific needs that you are most suited to foster.

I am really excited about the agency we chose. They provide so much emotional support to their families. The kids they care for also get some special privileges that some other agencies may or may not do.

Overall, I can't wait to get it started. I feel so excited...you would have thought I just saw 2 pink lines! That would be nice too, but this feels right for us at this time.

My physical is set for May 22. That will be my first check mark!

Thank you for your prayer support during this time. We will be busy (I start back school too), but it will be all worth it in the end!

Thankful Thursday

I am so grateful for each of you who offered me encouragement to yesterday's post. The five year mark is approaching, and that has really been a hard milestone to swallow. I appreciate each of your kind words. So, today, I am thankful, so very thankful for all of you.

I am thankful that I didn't leave Dr. R's office in tears yesterday. Last time, he was out of the office and the new dr. was very insensitive. Dr. R. came right in and said, "I told you, I don't want to see you unless your pregnant...." I just love him. He has the optimism I need, and I appreciate his honesty with me. For now, same protocol....Femera cd 3-7, Estrogen cream cd 3-7, Mucinex cd 10-17, and lots and lots of "quality" time with K. (Which K definitely appreciates :)

I am thankful for Jen, who shared this scripture with me yesterday... It was very encouraging to me, and I thought I would pass it on to you.

James 1:12 (NIV)

God Blesses the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

And after reading that, I read this:

...Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do--ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that you really expect Him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.

James 2-6 (NIV)

I am thankful that tonight is our first fostering class. (I will try to update later tonight or tomorrow.)

I am thankful for so many things today...but mostly that my mood seems better and that changes my outlook on almost everything.

It's time I fessed up....

I skipped out on church services on Sunday. I'm not proud of that fact. Even that afternoon as the rain poured down, I felt as if God was crying with me...about me....for me when I didn't have any energy left to cry. Instead, I stayed in bed in the confinement of my safe haven, and ignored that this day was to celebrate those who give life... After all, I am not to be included in this category, and I am finally coming to terms with that I may never be. Why can't they change it to "women's day" to make it not hurt so much? The lines are clearly defined that this is to celebrate "mother's". I have two precious babies in Heaven. So, does that make me a mother? Not to anyone who looks at me hear on Earth. Except me. That's a sour attitude, I know. I've been like this for about a week and have finally been taking my anxiety meds again. I hope this soon passes, but after 5 years I think IF has finally taken it's toll on me. I feel completely defeated at this point.

On another note, AF was set to appear on Saturday and never showed her ugly face. I spent most of Sunday praying, Lord, please not let her come to today...any day but today. So, she came Monday. (See Ladies, the Lord still answers prayers.) Today I have an appt with Dr. R. I'm completely clueless as to what he will want to do next. This was our 4th failed month on oral meds so he may stop those completely.

We also start our first foster parenting classes tomorrow. I am excited, but this state of mind has sort of ruined that to me. It's a new venture, a road we haven't traveled before. For that I am deeply grateful and excited. It's also sort of closure on what were my hopes of having biological children. For that, I am deeply sad.

How have you kept IF from affecting your relationship with the Lord? How do I get back there?

Those Who Make My Day....

There is an award being passed around. I feel completely honored to have received this recognition from Alison. What a humbling way to feel like your words of encouragement are welcomed and appreciated. I want to pass on the honor to the blogs that inspire and encourage me. These women are truly remarkable, and I know that God has had a hand in our paths crossing via the world wide web. All of you are an important part of this IF journey for me. You provide healing, comfort, and happiness to my sometimes "empty" heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Alison, I must return the favor. You are such a sweet friend to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words and encouragement on my posts. You have welcomed me with open arms into the blogging community. I know that you will make the most awesome mother one day, because you are the greatest friend anyone could ask for.

Deidre, you introduced me to blogging. You lead me to a verse in God's word (Phil 4:11) that has held me together more times than I can count. You are an example of answered prayer, my prayer, and that gives me comfort. I know that I can depend on you (and Pam) for Godly guidance and prayers when I need them. Thank you for being such a special person to me. Thank you for always praying for me. Thank you mostly for being such a Godly example for me.

Jill and Andrea, your posts on Mother's Day were very inspiring to me. I know that God is using you and your blogs to minister to broken hearts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts publiclly with us.

Rebecca, you and I met on another blog. I am so glad you followed me over to this site. I am so excited that you are now expecting your second son. You and I journeyed this dreaded road together for months. Although our roads have now parted and our lives have taken different directions, I couldn't be more grateful to call you my friend.

Janna, Chris, Glenna, and Jen...all of my fellow adoption (in some sort of form) buddies. You were all inspiring to us to proceed forward with fostering children. We hope that fostering leads us to a child that God has hand picked to be placed permanently in our family. I will be following each of your journey's closely over the next few months and I will probably have boo-coos of questions for you all. You have made me truly realize that being a good mother isn't composed of having the same DNA.

I could go on and on. You all are so very special to me. These blogs are usually the one's I check first. You all make my day in your own unique way. I am so thankful that I can share my inner most thoughts and heartaches with you precious people and know that no judgement is given. I am thankful to know that I have you to pray for me, and that I too can pray for you. I am so very thankful to call you all friends....we are our own tight knit family in a way.

I love you all very much!

So much to do....so little time.

Hello all.

I have so much going on right now. Although tax season has came and gone, it seems that a million other things have taken it's place. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment with life in general. So, sorry for my absence friends. On another note, I have so much to tell...

First off, my classes start next week. Yay! I can not wait to make this career change. I really believe as if teaching will be a good fit for me and my personal goals. K is also getting his Master's right now, so things have been very busy around our home.

Secondly, we have decided to become foster parents. I haven't shared this with you before, because we have talked about it on several occasions, and never moved forward with it. However, I am happy to report that as of yesterday, we have officially filled out the application and sent it in. We have our first class 05/15/2008. At that time, I will know much more to pass on. Once we receive a child, I may have to postpone going back to school or cut back on my schedule. That's a sacrifice I am prepared to make when I have to cross that bridge.

Thirdly, we have been "sort of" approached about possibly adopting a newborn baby that is due to make his grand appearance in June. Yes, HIS. It's a very long story, but basically someone I know was actually approached by this birthmother about adopting her baby. My friend told this mother, she just couldn't. She's a grandmother now, and she just felt too old to take on the responsibility of a newborn. However, she made mention of us. Now, the birthmother (BM) is considering letting us adopt her son. The BM wants everything to be anonymous, so she has our attorney's information. Now, we wait for her to call. If she does....

I don't want to become emotionally involved in all of this, because it still sounds a bit too good to be true. I would like nothing more than to take this baby, but I am just praying that God will help me contain my feelings until things are more certain. She could change her mind, and she has that right.

Please keep us in your prayers, as the future seems so uncertain for us at this time.

Elaine

Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day

I found this article on the RESOLVE website. I think this is a tough time for all of us right now. Every year, around Mother's Day, I feel so depressed and numb. I lose all sense of hope, happiness, and faith I have about having my own children. I don't feel like getting out of bed each morning, I don't feel like worshipping God. I don't feel any other way, but broken.

As these holiday's pass, I feel better, but getting through them is the most difficult thing I do each year. I know I'm not alone, even though it may feel as if I am. Most of you know how difficult these days are for me, because they are also difficult days for you. So, let us lift up one another in prayer for strength, guidance, and renewed faith. Maybe next year, they won' t be so hard for us. I hope this helps, dear friends.

Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day

It can be particularly difficult to face the many emotional issues raised by infertility at a time when everyone is celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. RESOLVE urges men, women and couples who are experiencing infertility to plan ahead for Mother's Day and Father's Day, acknowledge their feelings and prepare themselves emotionally to handle questions and comments from family and friends.
RESOLVE suggests the following:

Take a Proactive Stance

Think ahead about the day and plan a strategy in advance. Don't wait until the holiday is upon you to make plans.

Focus on Your Parents/Grandparents or Special Parental Figure

Make this a special time for them. If a family gathering is planned and it will be pleasant for you, go and enjoy. But, if lots of children or pregnant relatives will be present, and you know this will be upsetting, consider other possibilities. You might plan to see your mother/father at another time during the weekend.

Recognize Potential Painful Situations

Restaurants, for example, may be a source of discomfort. They may ask if you are a mother or a father in order to give you a complimentary item. Be prepared for this question so you are not taken off-guard.

Consider Joining a Support Group

A support group will help you feel less isolated, empower you with knowledge and validate your emotional response to the life crisis of infertility. Visit the RESOLVE Calendar of Events to find a support group in your area.

Speak to Your Minister or Rabbi

Before a religious service, talk with your clergyperson (or write a letter) and educate him/her about the experience of infertility. Perhaps he/she would be willing to say a prayer or offer words of support for those struggling with this crisis.

Plan an Enjoyable Day Together

It is important to work as a couple during these difficult days. Consider tuning out the holiday emphasis entirely and make it an opportunity for a fun day together plan a day outdoors to go hiking, bicycling, or walking on a beach. See that movie you've wanted to see or create a special meal.

For more information:
Call a local RESOLVE HelpLine

Whenever you feel overwhelmed by the holidays, whenever you need someone to talk to, our peer counselors will be happy to listen and to offer RESOLVE resources. Give us a call. You are not alone! Mother's Day/Father's Day chat
-->

Thankful Thursday

Well, it's been so long since I posted Thankful Thursdays, so I'll start by saying, I'm thankful that I am taking time out today to be thankful.

I am thankful that Amanda received her BFP and that her beta is rising so quickly. I am thankful that others have made it to milestone marks in their pregnancies (Farrah, Sadie, LIW, and Rebecca). You ladies give us the hope that AF sometimes destroys for us.

I am thankful that those who need comforting can find it among you faithful ladies.

I am thankful that I had the resources to pay off a loan last week. I am thankful that the tax incentive check that we should get (Thank you Uncle Sam) will be able to be deposited into our savings account.

I am thankful that I am finally over whatever "funk" I was in at the beginning of the week. (Did I mention that the build up of femara in my bloodstream is driving me bananas!)

I am thankful that I have a desire to eat healthier and take better care of my body right now than I have felt in years.

I am thankful for those of you who haven't left my blog while I was MIA during tax season.

I am thankful that I can express things here that I can't say to anyone else.

Have a blessed day!

...round 4 with new doc...

I had one of those days yesterday...you know, one of those cry at anything that goes slightly wrong days. Maybe it's the femara that is building up in my system...maybe it's the lack of sleep from the hot flashes (from the femara building up in my system)...or maybe it's just plain ol' frustration!

My doc was on vacation so I had to see another doctor. This doc wasn't very helpful...she kept telling me repeatedly that next time I needed to request to be seen by Dr. R. Hello?? Didn't I do that? I think it's because you have to be checked while AF is visiting, and like I really like sharing that with anybody...but I finally said..."Look, I can't help that I started my period whild Dr. R is on vacation. Do you think I really want to be sitting here either??" And the tears just started flowing... I think I made the new doc feel bad...if so...good. She needs to be more sensitive to IF patients needs than what she showed me yesterday.

Anyway, I left, new prescription in hand for another month of femara... So, off we go. I dropped the prescription off at the nearest pharmacy...told them I would be back in an hour to pick it up. Do you know, ladies, that I went back 4 hrs later and it still wasn't ready... So, I may of lost it...just a little. Poor guy working there. Anyway, I made it known that I wasn't happy that I gave them an extra 3 hours and it still wasn't ready. He said, "Mam, sometimes we get behind..." I said, "4 hours behind...??? You've got to be kidding me." I kind of feel like I need to stop and apologize to him today. It wasn't his fault...and I took out my day on him. :( Regardless, I got my prescription.

Came home to a hole in the rug of our living room. My sweet fur-son, Karter, decided to spring that one on me... how nice of him? I reprimanded him...and just sat down and cried for a while. What a crappy day!?!

On a brighter side, I registered for classes yesterday. I could only get into one class that I needed, but I am glad that I got in...even though it is an Internet course. I am officially on my way to become a teacher--the 2nd best job in the world...being a mom, of course is the best.
So, I am looking forward to the distraction.

I have something else going on right now. I promise to share later. Until then, I would appreciate your prayers for me and K.

Have a great week!

2 posts in one day....any thoughts on this?

Just wondering what some of my fellow IF'ers thoughts are on this:

Read this article.

I know that this is going to be a touchy topic, so let me just say this: Everyone has the right to choose their own sexual orientation (or gender) for that matter. That's what I love about this country. However, do I believe it's right for me? No. And I will just leave my opinion at that.

Even some "men" are more fertile than we are. Just sucks! How on earth did this happen?

Thoughts welcomed!

Hello All!

Hey Ladies,



Geez, has it really been two weeks since I last posted? Honestly, I haven't really had that much to say. My cycle is moving right along. Month #2 on Femera. So, no new news on the IF front.

Mexico was fabulous! I thoroughly enjoyed laying by the pool reading. I finished the 11th book of the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. (Ladies, I absolutely love this author. She is hilarious!!!!) One day, I actually took 2 naps. Funny how when I came back to the States, I felt like I need another vacation--especially after all the sleep I had!! The weather was gorgeous the first three days. Our last day, it was very windy so the ocean was red flagged and our snorkling trip was cancelled.

I will say, I definitely missed the food here. I love Mexican food, but Mexico's version of Mexican is nothing like we have here in NC. I couldn't wait to get some Southern food when we got home. (I made K stop at McD.onald's on the way home from the airport...You would have thought we hadn't eaten in days if you would of seen us chowing down on our food!)

Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well!

Back to the drawing board...

The Femera didn't work. I had the dreaded appearance of AF yesterday, but do admit, if she was coming to visit, I am glad it was this weekend. Next weekend we will be in Mexico. I am so excited to just get away from all this and relax on the beach somewhere. I have a call in at the doctor's office to see where we go from here. Last month, Dr. R was really disappointed to be treating me for infertility again. I tried to tell him I was the epiphany of the "hard to treat patient." I think he thought I was exaggerating... If nothing is wrong with us, why on earth are we still empty handed???? 5 years ladies.... I'm in a bit of a mood today, so I'll just leave this post with that!

50th post...time has flown by!

Hello Cyber-friends!

I've been a little MIA the last 2 weeks. Things have been extremely hectic at work/home! I've been trying to read and comment as time is available. I'm sorry if you have felt neglected :)

Wow...50 posts! I can't believe I've had this much to say! Nothing is really going on in the infertility front right now. I took Femera this cycle days 3-7, estrogen cream suppositories cyle days 10-17...so here we sit waiting for 8 more days.

K and I decided to go on Vacation for a few days at Easter. We wouldn't have to use so much vacation time since it's a holiday week, and it would really do us some good to get away from everything and just relax...so we just booked our trip, and I am so dang excited!

In honor of my 50th post I thought I'd give you a list of 50 things about me/my life/hobbies/likes/dislikes.

1. I start back school in August 2008 to become a Middle Grades Math/Science teacher.
2. I am currently waiting to see if I was accepted into the Appalachian State University cohort for #1 and should find out this week.
3. I have two fur babies: Kooper and Karter
4. I have worked at the same company for over 10 years.
5. I love to watch Reality TV.
6. Sushi is one of my favorite foods.
7. I still have the same best friend that I had in Elementary School.
8. My parents are still married (so is K's).
9. I have one older sister.
10. I hate when people pull out in front of me while driving.
11. I kinda/sorta scrapbook from time to time.
12. As I've grown older, I've learned that some things just aren't worth fighting over.
13. As I've grown older, I've learned that family is the most important thing in life.
14. I listen to all kinds of music, but am most fond of country.
15. I hate matching socks while doing laundry (and usually leave them until last).
16. I tend to be a procrastinator.
17. I am currently trying to read the bible all the way through. I have tried this many times before, but have made it the farthest (Numbers 21) on this try. (I'd appreciate your prayers on this one)
18. I like to text message.
19. My favorite band is Matchbox Twenty.
20. I dislike green peppers on pizza.
21. I am obsessed with my check book balancing down to the penny.
22. I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere I go.
23. My closet is messy, but the rest of our home is always kept clean.
24. I can't see anything without my contacts in!
25. Eating anything with vinegar (ketchup, Italian dressing, BBQ sauce, salt & vinegar chips) makes my face feel flushed.
26. I have inherited #25 from my father.
27. I don't eat very healthy most of the time.
28. My favorite fruit is fresh pineapple.
29. I am an A*von representative.
30. My choice of soda is Cherry Coke (but I love Sweet Tea).
31. I don't have any tattoos.
32. I love spoiling my niece and many nephews.
33. I've only traveled outside the US once (Dominican Republic last fall).
34. I'm another spoiled American.
35. I'm not very materialistic and rarely buy anything that isn't on sale.
36. I sleep on my left side.
37. I am a suicide survivor (from back in high school).
38. I have a passion to work with kids who are around the same age that life became a roller coaster for me.
39. I have only given my testimony 2 times (once publicly to the youth at our church, and the 2nd over email).
40. I tend to be a people pleaser just to keep things peaceful.
41. Lately, I have pushed God to the back burner and am currently trying to find my way back to the fire I once had.
42. I only eat Chinese/Japanese food when it's really cold outside.
43. I am dreading the time change this weekend because I am not a morning person.
44. I am handling infertility the best I have ever handled it (if you want to say "best" to a circumstance like this) right now. It's just not as important as it once was.
45. I really need to clean my car inside/out.
46. I am tired of hearing about the election.
47. I am a Young and the Restless junkie (even though lately it has been boring!)
48. I need to feel important to the people I love.
49. I have an incredible spring fever!
50. Love taking naps at every opportunity I have a chance to take one!

There you have it folks. 50 Random things about me that I know you just were dying to find out. If you stuck it out through all of them, wow...

I hope you all have a blessed day!

Blog roll updated

Hello Ladies.

I just updated my blog roll. If you read my blog and don't see your name, please let me know. I would love to add you to my roll call and check in on you to see how things are going. I love you guys!

Doc. appt update

Good Morning Ladies,

Just wanted to give a brief update. AF did arrive right on time Saturday. Yesterday, I had to go back to Dr. R. He has switched me from Clomid to Femara. I've taken this med once before at my old doc's office. Dr. R said that my progesterone is really elevated, hence the reason he gave me estrogen suppositories last month. He said that doc's usually get dancing happy when progesterone is above 15. Mine was 85 on cd21 last month. He said that Femara would be a better drug for me because of the progesterone elevataion. He also switched me from the estrogen pill to an estrogen cream suppository.

Dr. R told me he really didn't think he would be seeing me again for IF treatment. When I told him, "oh, it's okay..." he was the one who was aggravated that the Clomid didn't work. (Now that's a welcomed change of emotion.) So, I left his office with the instructions to take the Femara cd 3-7, use Mucinex/Robitussin on cd 10-17, using ovulation predictors this month, and "spend" lots of time with K. Dr. R is on a mission to get us pregnant, and by george, that's where we want to be!

More blah, blah, blah

I wish I had news to report, but so far nothing-nadda-zippo news on the IF front. I did tempt fate and POAS this morning and it was negative, cd 27. I kind of knew it would be. I don't feel any differently, and I have zero symptoms to analyze over. My dear friend, Alison, wrote this post yesterday, and I felt like it could have been written by me. It just sucks.

K and I made a recent "splurge" purchase. This is what we got. It's not something we needed, but something I really wanted. In fact, we've had it over a week and I used it for the first time yesterday. I didn't want to take any "risks" incase the Super C was successful. So, for an entire week, I watched K use this while I sat back and watched.

Yesterday, I finally gave in. I broke down and used it myself for 7 minutes. And may I say, what a wonderful, relaxing, refreshing 7 minutes they were. The way I see it, AF will be arriving with all her glory tomorrow and Saturday, so why wait any longer to start working on my perfect tan? I secretely hoped that after making this purchase that I would be unable to use it for a good 9-10 months. (Honestly, that is usually the way my luck runs-backwards!) Oh well...at least its a distraction for now.

K told me if I could find one for 0% financing we could get one. Not only was I able to do that, but I also found a place that as an added bonus, you received a free 5 day/4 night cruise. So we are going to Nassau sometime later this year.

Even though I am happy, I am incredibly sad that I can use it freely now. It just really sucks!

Nothing New

I have been MIA the past week or so. I am so sorry if my blogging buddies feel neglected! Nothing new to report on the infertility front. I am at cd 20 today, so one more week to go to find out if the Super C worked or not. Anyway, I hope to get caught back up on my blog reading this weekend! Hope you all are having a fabulous week.

Oh yeah, before I forget: Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for rain that we received this week. (We are still in drout-like conditions.)
I am thankful that my birthday came and passed, and that the Lord has blessed me with another year.
I am thankful that we get $ back on our taxes! (Can I get an Amen Ladies?)
I am thankful that I have such a wonderful husband. (I know I say this often, but I do appreciate him every single day of my life.)

Who turned off the AC?....and tagged

I finished up the last of my clomid pills on Saturday. Let's just say, even with the estrogen suppositories, the hot flashes have been frequent. I've woken more times than I care to, sticky and clammy of sweat, feeling the need to rip every shred of clothing from my body. After the moment passes, I feel back to my old self, and slowly dread the time until the next big one. The mood swings are pretty bad too! But, I can deal with those better than the hot flashes! K would rather I have the hot flashes, I'm sure, since he's referred to me as "evil" the past few days. It's the hormones people!!!

I've been tagged by Kelly over at the Quest for Baby Agosti. The rules are simple: Link to the person who tagged you, list the rules in your blog, Share six non-important quirks about yourself, Tag at least 3 people, leave those you tagged a comment so they can play too.

1. When I was 6, I once tried to make income selling saltines in our driveway. You know, some kids sell lemonade or cupcakes. Yeah, well, I loved crackers (and still do) and I couldn't see why anyone wouldn't want to stop in and buy some. I can still remember one truck teasing me that they were going to pull in. The couple was older and they were laughing hysterically. I was so mad at the time, but now I get it. I am pleased to know that I could have brought so much humor to those folks on this day.

2. I once ran up our family's phone bill by calling the Papa Smurf hot line! I loved the Smurfs cartoon! I just wanted to hear Papa Smurf tell me a story over the phone. I didn't know it was $2.99/minute? I think I ran up the bill $150 and I was grounded from ever calling in anywhere like that, ever again.

3. I am notorious to never closing things. I leave drawers, doors, bags, etc. open. Actually, I half heartily push them close, but I never close drawers completely! My husband says that I subconsciously know that he is coming behind me to shut them all. I honestly, don't even realize I am doing it!

4. Like #3, I almost always never zip my pants. My friends say it's because I button first, but I always seem to forget to zip my pants! Does anyone see a pattern here?

5. I love to take naps on Sunday's. Sometimes, I think that's what gets me through my weeks. K and I go to church, eat lunch, and nap until time to go back to church. I just love this time, and I feel so refreshed and relaxed when I wake up.

6. I once set my bed on fire by playing with matches UNDER the bed. I had finally figured out how to strike a lighter (and I was practicing!). Fortunately, my dad was able to drag the mattress outside before it caused any severe damage to our house!

My parents use to tell me, "When you grow up, I hope you have 10 kids just like yourself!" Awe, the irony in those words. I would love to have 10 kids, but from my own experience, I know I must: block all pay-calls from our land line, hide all lighters or matches, keep a vast supply of saltines, and get the drawer/door closing under control (I don't know if K could handle two or more of me).

I tag Sadie and Tyson, Jen, and Rebecca (if she feels up to it :).

Here we go...

I had to go see my new doc, Dr. R, this a.m. for a pelvic exam before we can begin the clomid. I forgot to shave my legs! How embarrassing! (And, let me tell you, I haven't shaved in at least a week! It's the winter-I don't shave every day!!! After this experience, however, I may start shaving every day!) The good news is that Dr. R didn't even notice, or if he did, he didn't say anything.

In case you have forgotten, I just love my new doc. He is so witty and comical. Today, I asked him about the hot flashes that I've been having since doing the injectible ovulation drugs. I was told that I have OCD. Dr. R kind of chuckled and said that it wasn't meant to be derogatory, so I said "Thank you..." and sort of laughed. He just said that I was so "in tune" to my body, that I had obviously read "the book." I think this could of rubbed some patients the wrong way, but I thought it was funny. I've always just assumed I've had OCD, so now I know!

Anyway, I am going to be taking 5 days of 100mg of Clomid. Dr. R usually prescribes it days 5-9. I took clomid for one month at my last dr's office, except days 3-7. So, Dr. R wants me to do it this month days 4-8. He also gave me a complementary estrogen suppositories sample pack. (He really is trying to save me some $). This is new to me. I've had progesterone suppositories before, but not estrogen.

So, ready or not, here we go....who am I kidding? Of course we are ready!!!

Frustrations...

Wouldn't you know that when I actually want that old-hag Aunt Flo to show up so I can begin the Clomid this cycle, she would be difficult and take her sweet time. I should of started yesterday. I've been so regular the past 10 years, that I can tell you before or after lunch when she is going to show. She is late...a whole day late!!! So, being the pregnancy test addict that I am, I took a test, which was negative...of course it was negative. It's been negative for the last 66 cycles (with the exception of 2 lost pregnancies). So, come on AF! Rear your ugly head so I can get this show on the road! (Not to mention I am overly hormonal, short tempered, and emotional! I think I am driving my wonderful husband insane!)

***************************
Update: She's here! She's here! She's here! On to the Super C (clomid) we move this cycle.

Book

This is the book I am reading. It has been really good so far, and I am hoping to finish it this week. It isn't a prescription to get pregnant--but it has some pretty darn useful coping skills inside that can be used for just about any unwanted circumstance. This is what the back cover says:

Infertility is a heartbreaking condition that affects nine million American couples each year. It causes tremendous stress, it can trigger debilitating sadness and depression, and it can tear a marriage to shreds. In Conquering Infertility, Harvard psychologist Alice Domar--whom Vogue calls the "Fertility Goddess"--provides infertile couples with what they need most: stress relief, support, and hope. Using the innovative mind/body techniques she has perfected at her clinic, Domar helps infertile women not only regain control over their lives but also boost their chances of becoming pregnant. With Alice Domar's renowned program, women learn how to cope with infertility in a much more positive way and to carve a path toward a rich, full, happy life.

Benefit from wise, comforting words on:

• Sustaining a Career during Infertility
• Coping when friends and family members become pregnant
• Navigating the medical maze
• Other options when treatment fails.

My responses through out the entire book thus far has been:

"Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt this way."

"I'm not as crazy as I thought I was."

"What I am feeling is perfectly normal."

Just wanted to share the title if anyone was interested.

Dr. Domar sums it up best when she says: "You will be happy again. Life will become joyful again. And somehow, some way if you want to become a parent, you will."

Blah, blah, blah...

Nothing really important to say especially on the infertility front.

I am officially in the 2ww (almost 1ww now) and I am trying not to obsess about whether this cycle is successful or not. I've been reading a really good book on infertility that has brought a lot of things into prospective for me. I am going to post about it when I am finished with the title and my thoughts after reading it. I'm a little over half way finished with it now.

My current goal is trying to live in the "now" rather than the future. Lately, anytime thoughts of tomorrow, the next day, or next week, etc. creep into my mind, I stop and try to be mindful of my current "now." It has really helped me feel better emotionally, and I can tell ya, my husband has appreciated that. Now, if only I can have this same mindful mindset if/when AF arrives next week.

Hope everyone is having a great week!

Thankful Thursday...

I am thankful for a NEW YEAR, which brings new, restored hope.

I am thankful for the recent rain NC has received.

I am thankful to have found a new doctor's office. I am thankful to feel as if as a patient, I am finally in good hands.

I am thankful for new blogging friends who can become prayer partners.

I am thankful that my Christmas present from K (massage package) made me feel physically and emotionally better. I am thankful that my massage therapist is a Christian and for the gift God has given her in her hands.

I am thankful that I was able to sleep soundly the past two nights.

I am thankful for my husband, who I love more every day.

Predictions for 2008

I got this off of an inspirational email group I subscribe to. It was too awesome not to repost.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

1. The Bible will still have all the answers.
2. Prayer will still work.
3. The Holy Spirit will still move.
4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people.
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching.
6. There will still be singing of praise to God.
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people.
8. There will still be room at the Cross.
9. Jesus will still love you.
10. Jesus will still save the lost.
---DaRhonda Roberts

HSG...

My tubes are open. Yay!!!! This was my 2nd HSG, and it wasn't as painful since I did prepare by taking the Ibuprofen. I recommend that to all of you lucky ladies who have HSG's in your near future. Lots of cramping, but thank goodness, it didn't hurt near as bad this time around. Thanks for all of your kind words and prayers! I really appreciate all of you....

There's still Hope...

We went to our new OBGYN office yesterday. I must say I am pleased with our new doctor. He was very easy to talk to and it turns out that he and his wife also have been in our shoes. (Makes me wish I would have changed doc's sooner since this is the reason I stayed so long with Dr. D.) Basically, we are starting completley over with our treatment cycles. Unfortunately, I must have my HSG repeated today (to make sure my tubes are still open). This was extremely painful for me last time, but the new doc, Dr. R assured me that pain in this case was a good sign. It meant that my tubes were be flushed of whatever clutter they contain, hence the pain. So, I have prepped by taking 800 mg of Ibuprofin and hoping that it won't be so uncomfortable this go around.

Our next move, pending my tubes are still open, is to begin Clomid for a good, solid 6 months. I only used this drug for one month at old doc's office, and Dr. R suggested that it really wasn't long enough to see if it was working. So, off to clomid we go beginning next cycle. (I am excited, but have to say, I don't look forward to the hotflashes or night sweats. Yuck!) At this point, I am willing to try anything.

More to say, but will save for another post. He assured me to still remain hopeful, but to get my stress level undercontrol. (Easier said than done, huh ladies?)

7 Random Things....

I will consider myself tagged by Jen. What a nice way to break from all the serious infertility stuff that most of us share in common.

1. I have a Bachelor of Arts degree in Accounting from here. However, after working in accounting for the past 9 years, I made the decision to return to school to pursue a 2nd Bachelor's degree in Middle Grades Education with concentrations in Math and Science. I am a career student. I love school, taking classes, cramming for exams, and writing papers. I passed the Praxis I on the first attempt (Thank you Lord) and have been waiting to find out if I have been accepted to a new college, namely, here, beginning August 2008. (More to come on this in the Spring as I find out if I am one of the 30 candidates accepted. Fortunately, I have a leg up on most applicants since I currently hold a BA and have passed the Praxis I).

K is also returning this spring to get his Masters, so this is going to be a very busy year for us.

2. I am the youngest child. I have one older sister who I have grown to appreciate with age. She currently has 2 kids, a boy and a girl. K is the youngest child also, with one older brother and one older sister. They each have one son! K also had a brother he never met who died at age 7 playing with gasoline and matches. K and this sibling share the same birth date, Sept 11.

3. I have survived a horrific car accident. When I was 17 years old, I ran off the road and over-corrected hitting another vehicle head-on. I suffered 2 broken legs, a fractured pelvis, broken foot, collapsed lung, cuts, and bruises, and was air lifted to a trauma center. I spent 30 days in the hospital, 6 of which were in ICU. I was released from the hospital one day before my 18th birthday. Unfortunately, this all occurred at the beginning of my second semester of my Senior year of high school, so instead of counting down the days until graduation I was home schooled so I could graduate with my class. I learned to walk again before Senior Prom and walked to get my diploma. This is one of the proudest moments in my life. I over came most odds and I am hoping that history will repeat itself.

4. K and I got engaged only 4 months after we began dating. So many people said that we were moving too fast, but when it feels right, you just know. We continued to date for an entire year before our wedding. We have currently been married 4 1/2 years and I am thankful that we have experienced more love in this time than some people experience their entire lives.

5. I am a teaching myself to play the guitar. My parents and K surprised me with a guitar for Christmas after hearing me talk about how much I wanted to learn to play it. It was such a special gift for me, and I almost cried when I opened it. I can proudly report that I can play 2 songs, Ode to Joy and Jiggle Bells...the book I have teaches you string by string, and I can now play 2 strings. Yay!

6. I am addicted to my DVR. I don't know how I ever survived reality TV without it. I am an addict of any reality shows, American Idol, Survivor, Big Brother, etc. I also enjoy watching Cops, America's Most Wanted, 48 Hour Mysteries, and Forensic Files. (I use to want to be a police officer before I found my love for crunching numbers.) I also watch The Young and the Restless daily. I've been watching it for 15 years or more.

7. I am the mother to two fur babies, our dogs, Kooper and Karter. They are Carin Terriers like the dog on the Wizard of Oz. Karter had inherited my personality. He's the lap dog who loves to snuggle and tends to be a little slow to learning new tricks. Kooper, must be the mail-man's because he doesn't act like me or K. He is very temperamental. Basically, he doesn't like to be petted, talked to, or looked at for that matter. We can say his name and he looks at us and walks the other direction. He likes to sleep (guess he gets that from me). We have taken him to the vet and all we have determined is "he's just made this way." He is the most unsociable dog I've ever met. I don't think he likes us, but we love and spoil him all the same.

I tag all my wonderful buddies too.

Getting all worked up...

I can't believe that Christmas has came and passed another year. I feel a bit relieved, but also there is that bit of sadness that comes too.

I am so disappointed that I allow myself to get all worked up every year. I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, something I just shared with K last night. I get so upset, sad, stressed as the Holiday's approach out of shear fear that someone in our family will announce their pregnancy, like I once did.

It's not a competition, and I know it is bound to happen at some point. There are so many young, married couples in our family that I always dread any sort of family get-together. However, it didn't...and I felt relieved and selfish that I allowed myself to ruin what was to be a wonderful day filled with laughter, family, and friendship.

I must be an emotional roller coaster right now, because last night I almost cried because I had cried so much working myself up for nothing. I prayed again for peace and God to help me sort through all of these emotions. He's here, right in the midst of my heartbreak, and I must continue to search for Him.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas day!

Merry Christmas and update

First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! I am about to go off on a tangent--so for those who don't want to embrace my lack of Christmas cheer, please save this post reading for another day.

As a side note, if you have little one's in your family, stop and give them an extra special hug and kiss today, for there are many people who don't have the luxury of watching our children open gifts or seeing the expressions on their faces from what Santa has left. This is a sad time of year for those of us "without" even when we try our best to mask the deep despair and anguish that we feel.

It was 3 years ago today that I announced my first pregnancy to my Husband's family. We had tried for 14 months to finally have the news to share that our family of two would soon become three. On Dec. 30, marks the 3 year anniversary that I lost this baby, and hence the reason that Christmas will never be the same for me, ever again.

I said on the way to work this morning (unfortunately, we had to work on Christmas Eve), "Maybe next year, Elaine. Maybe next year." I've said these sad words for four years now, and it doesn't get any easier. But still, I have hope and think "just maybe."

I decided to seek an unbiased 2nd opinion. When I called another local OBGYN office, I explained some of my chart briefly and hi-lighted my disappointment with Dr. D and his failure to notice that my pap smear was 3 years outdated. This new office has agreed to work me in for a consultation on Dec. 27. I would really like to be treated as a new patient, and not a prior patient with a not-so-optimistic infertility history. On a brighter note, I have been pregnant 2 times on my own, so there could be something insignificant that has been overlooked and I am hoping that a new clinic will have a new diagnosis as well.

I dunno. Maybe this is just wishful thinking.

Anyways, I will update more later this week. Merry Christmas everyone! Next year brings a new hope that this will be our year. And for that hope, I am truly thankful.

A Season of Miracles...

Jump on over here and congratulate Ms. Rebecca on her wonderful news! Ladies, this is more living proof that God still hears our prayers and preforms miracles each and every day!

Back Home

We are back home now. Our overnight trip proved to be refreshing. We were able to even see some snow!!! I can't say I'm not happy to be home though. Here is a pic we had taken at my work's Christmas dinner. Thanks for all of your kind words and encouragement over the weekend. I hope to get caught up on all my blog-reading today!

Dr Update and Greetings from Boone, NC

I had my doctor appointment on Friday as mentioned. I will be as brief as possible: my endo is probably back. The Dr. doesn't want to do another laparoscopy, but is willing to do a hystroscopy. He really doesn't feel that my septum is causing any problems, as it is barely noticeable, but if he is going to do the hystroscopy, it may as well be fixed. The doc said that we could do as many IUI's as we wanted...he would be honest, that he didn't have a lot of faith in it's success, but that he would do whatever we desired. He did confide in me that he and his wife took 6 tries before they were successful. I have a bit of a bacterial infection (apparently, K and I have been doing so much baby dancing that the ph balance is abnormal down there--wish K could of be there to hear that one). He gave me an antibiotic for that. We discussed my panic attacks, and thankfully, Dr. D decided that I probably did need to be on some meds to ease my anxiety, especially since I am no longer sleeping at night. We discussed previous dr. appts that I had at an RE's office. (I posted those results here.)

I am going back Jan 21 for a saline ultrasound to take another look at the septum and my right ovary--which was a bit enlarged and the reason he feels that my endo has reared it's ugly head again. So basically, I got some really good nerve pills to help me sleep, a pap smear--which I pray is normal after 3 years, some antibiotics for this bacterial infection that no one knows how long I've had, and another doctor's appt to look forward to.

We are officially on our first family vacation. K and our two sons, our dogs Kooper and Karder, are safely in Boone awaiting my friends graduation tomorrow from ASU. I can't think of a better place to be right now. The excitement of their 3rd strait national championship is still in the air. K is alumni from there,and I will be attending a cohort program beginning in Aug 08 offered by ASU in my hometown! Can't think of a better time to be a Mountaineer!

Ranting....

I am livid at this very moment. I was thinking earlier today that I probably should schedule a yearly physical. So, I called. Can you believe that I have not had a physical since JAN 2005!?! As many times as I have been to the doctor and no one failed to notice that I was 3 years over due on a pap smear!!! I mean, I was in their office sometimes once per week. You think someone could of clued me in. I was poked and prodded so much in that time, how was I not to know that they weren't keeping up with that for me... Okay, so some of this may be my fault, but seriously....someone could of brought that to my attention.

Secondly, I haven't had that great of a day today. Do any of you find the holiday's tough? I stated in an earlier post that it was another year of an empty back seat in our car. Last night, I broke down at dinner in a public restaurant because of the conversation that K and I.

K: You really need to stop worrying so much. You worry about things 4 months from now, that no one else would worry about right now. I am going to take care to you. I need you to repeat that to me.

Me: I know you are going to take care of me.......BUT (the ever-dreaded "but" and when the tears started streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably) I learned my lesson on "not worrying." I never "worried" that I would be one of those people who couldn't have children. Now, that's all I worry about. I have to worry now....I learned my lesson.

Some topics I will discuss with my doctor tomorrow include:

• Is my Endo back?
• Is another Laparoscopy necessary?
• If so, can you also fix my septum while you are "in there?"
• Should I give IUI one last try before my remaining expensive injectible's expire.?
• Is there something I can take for Panic Attacks that is safe while ttc?
• Checking my cervical fluid to make sure I don't have any sort of infections.

I'll post tomorrow with the results.

Thankful Thursday

I haven't been blogging too much lately. Believe it or not, I haven't really had too much to say. I am still one week away from AF's unwanted appearance. I don't have any early symptoms to report, so I'm not feeling so optimistic. You would think after 4 1/2 years, it wouldn't be so disappointing to one.....(sigh)

Regardless, I am Thankful that K and I are going on our first ever family trip this weekend to Boone--by family, I mean the two of us and our 2 dogs. We found a pet friendly hotel to stay at. My friend is graduating on Sunday so we are going up a day early to spend the night. It turned out very convenient because my department at work wanted to eat here on Saturday evening, so we would be in Boone anyway. I'm kind of bummed that her graduation is on Sunday and I will be missing church, but I am glad she is graduating. I am Thankful for her friendship the past 20 years and Thankful that she wants me to be there as she accomplishes this milestone.

I am thankful that prayers are being uplifted for my church youth group and leaders, and that many people are praying for C's family. C was a member of our youth group who died in a car accident last Thursday. I am thankful through his family's suffering that they can still say that "God has been so good."

I am thankful that Christmas is less than 2 weeks away. I am ready to put the stress it brings behind me for another 300 days or so.

I am thankful that the weather is suppose to be cooler this weekend. (Living in NC with 80 degree temps in December just doesn't feel right!!!)

Find something to be thankful for today.

Pics

I just love this pic of K and I. Before life became complicated.

Here we are with our friends at the Panther's Game (back when they played better!)

Thankful Thursday

I am Thankful that I am finally "over" my pity party. Whether I like it or not, it's a new cycle, and a new hope.

I am Thankful that I am almost finished Christmas shopping--only 3 present left to buy. I am Thankful that I actually started early this year and don't feel so stressed out about shopping for gifts and getting them wrapped.

I am Thankful for over-the-counter meds that work! I am Thankful that I am finally getting over this horrible cold and can finally breath through my nose again.

I am Thankful that K was able to take a few days off this week and go hunting. I am Thankful that God continues to keep him safe while he is hunting. I am Thankful that our freezer is full of meat for the next year. I am Thankful that I had enough courage to "try" deer meat a few years ago, and that I really do like it when it's cooked right.

I am Thankful for friends that check in on me and worry about me. I am Thankful that I feel cared for and prayed over.

I am Thankful for today--it's payday! I am Thankful that I have reliable employment.

I am Thankful that K has decided to also go back to school. He will be beginning his Master's degree this spring and I will be attending school next fall working towards a 2nd bachelor's degree.

Have a blessed day, and find something to be Thankful for.