Thankful Thursday

New post here. Don't forget to scroll down to enter the giveaway I'm hosting for Dayspring.

Also, I invite you to follow along on Killian Corner. We would love to have you!

RFW:Pretty in Print?

New Resolution for Women post here.

Need a Christmas gift for a child under the age of 10? Don't forget to enter my giveaway by DaySpring here.

I'd love to have you follow along on my new blog Killian Corner! :)

God Bless!

Review and Giveaway from DaySprings/RFW Overflowing Blessing

Review and Giveaway found here. Check it out!

Resolution for Women: Overflowing Blessing found here.

RFW:The Secret

New post found here. Please become a follower of Killian Corner. I'll also be hosting a review/giveaway from Daysprings this weekend! Check it out!

The Resolution for Women: Part 1 This is who I am

I have a new post here. Please follow the Killian Corner. I'll be doing most (if not all of my posting over on my other blog now.

Reason I've been away...

I've been a bad blogger lately. I haven't had much to say ever since I received my first (what I feel was) hateful comment. My intuition told me to delete it immediately--I knew there was nothing true in it, but I kind of wished I would have shared it with you all.

After careful consideration and time to reflect and pray, I wish to address you specifically Anonymous. I'll paraphrase your comment, but basically you said that you read most of my posts. You said that you had been trying to have a baby for roughly 2 years, and that you were so disappointed in my quick reaction to stop pursuing foster parenting as soon as I got pregnant. You said you continued to read in hoping that I would finish fostering--and that I was just like everyone else...quick to pity those who haven't been able to conceive. Then you told me in closing thank you for wasting your time.

Ouch! Did you really see me that way?

If you read my blog you will know that while I was pursing fostering, I was also returning to school to be a teacher, right? And that when I found out I was pregnant and continued to pursue my teaching degree, I knew there wasn't enough hours in the day to work full time, go to school, be pregnant, and give a foster child the attention he/she desperately needs and deserves. If you know anything about a foster program, then you know that it isn't just stepping into the parenting role. There are other duties it includes, which aren't limited to parental visits, doctors, and court dates. All of those tasks seemed relatively possible before I conceived my son. I was his only protector, as he was in my womb, and I'm sorry if you don't understand that he was my first priority.

Yes, I did stop pursuing fostering. I will take ownership of that decision. But it wasn't a decision I made lightly. I felt as if I were another adult who was letting children down. I wrestled with the guilt it caused. However, if you continued reading then you would also know it is something that my husband and I plan to revisit once I am finished with school.

But, if you see me as someone who feels pity on those who aren't able to conceive, you couldn't be more off base. I am burdened terribly for those who are journeying through the depths of infertility--a journey I walked for 5 years. I pray for those women numerous times per day, and oftentimes these prayers included you without your knowledge. Tonight I will pray for you specifically and for God to give you your deepest hearts desire. I pray that your prayers will soon be answered in addition to the women whom I've connected with on this blog.

I realize I open myself up to negative feedback by posting online. However, I never meant to make anyone feel as if I was flaunting in their face that I was no longer infertile. It will always be part of who I am. I had hoped that my story would give hope to those who had loss all faith in miracles. That was once me, and I felt so alone. If I could make any other person feel less alone...if that is your definition of pity...please seek God to soften your hardened heart.

Boring...

Some of this is repost from my Family Blog.  I actually meant to post my update here.

********

I’ve been a little MIA in blog land.  I wish I had something exciting to report…

 

My life may be summed up with one word these days:  Boring!  (Although that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.)  Since I last blogged I’ve survived American Literature, gone on a trip to Jamaica, and read Twilight.  I know, I know…I think I am the last person on Earth to read that book, and actually I wasn’t very impressed.  In my opinion it didn’t live up to the media hype, so I’m in no hurry to read the next book.  I guess I just think vampires are dumb. 

 

Moving on.

 

On Friday, I found out that I didn’t get a job that I had interviewed for back in June.  I’m really discouraged with my career right now as I’ve reach a stagnant point within my company.  I found this bible verse that I have taped to my computer now:

“When anxiety was GREAT within me,

Your CONSOLATION brought joy to my soul.”

(Psalm 94:19)

 

I am praying for contentment as I hold on a little longer to my current job.  I’m unhappy and that makes it terribly hard to come in everyday.  Long story short, although I have worked for my company for 13 years—it’s the only full time job I’ve ever had—and despite the fact that I have an Associates and Bachelor’s degree in Accounting…not to mention I am 6 classes away from my second Bachelor’s degree in Middle Grades Education, I am constantly told that I lack business experience.  I just don’t get how I am supposed to obtain business experience if my company isn’t willing to let me grow.  If anything, it reaffirmed my decision to return to school to teach (something that I know I will LOVE!).  But, it doesn’t make it any easier to stay working there until I can move on to teaching.

 

On a more happier note…

Jamaica was amazing.  My husband and I went on a trip for our 8^th anniversary.  We really couldn’t afford to splurge but did anyway.  Our lives are so full of chaos that we oftentimes neglect each other.  We missed our boys terribly.  It was really great to get away, but equally wonderful to get back to life as we know it.

 

I must apologize to those of you who read this blog.  I really don’t have anything blog worthy to report in my absence.  Thank you to those of you who have emailed me.  It’s so nice to feel missed J

 

I intended to continue with my James Bible study over at my family blog soon.  I’m finally finding some down time to ponder over the next segment.  Ironically it’s “Listening and Doing” (and has so much about being slow to speak when angry)!  Don’t you just love that we serve a Lord with a sense of humor.  He doesn’t fail to teach me something new every day!  Love That!

 

Elaine

 

Happenings...

Nothing really exciting going on in our lives right now.  I’m finishing up my summer semester for school, so I’ve been cramming in last minute assignments.  I’m the worst procrastinator.  I really hope that when I’m a teacher that I don’t forget what it’s like to be a student.  Sometimes, life is so busy it’s hard to fit in everything.  Also, I discovered that I’m not so much a fan of American Literature…hmm…who knew? 

 

Moving On.

 

The only other exciting things going on are that Kohen finally started crawling.  I only thought my life was busy before then.  I’m constantly chasing him around the house now.  If he isn’t trying to crawl up the stairs, he is putting dog food in his mouth.  Yuck!  He’s a very busy little man, I tell ya!  I fully anticipate he’ll be walking by the time he’s 12 months old! 

 

Kade is potty training.  He’s 2 ½ so I figured it was time.  Let me tell you, the best purchase I’ve made in a long time was a kitchen timer for $2.97.  When the bell rings Kade proudly exclaims, “It’s time to go potty!”  Bingo!  (And sometimes I don’t think I know what I’m doing!) 

 

Other than this, Kyle and I are patiently waiting until our vacation to Jamaica in less than 3 weeks.  It’s extremely overdue for our hectic lives.  It will be the first time we’ve left our boys for an extended length of time, so I’m somewhat sad about that.  Shoot, I’m really sad about that!  However, I know that going to school and having children has diverted our attention in other directions, so we’ve had little time to spend alone with each other.  We need it.  I’m really excited about quality time alone.  We’ll be celebrating our 8^th anniversary in paradise :)

 

Hope you all are doing well!  

 

 

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 5)

The conclusion to the Faith and Endurance Series I'm hosting at my other blog, Killian Corner can be found here! Check it out!

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 4)

New post here.

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 3)

New post found here!

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 2)

New post found here.

James Bible Study: Faith and Endurance (part 1)

Here is my first post if you are interested in reading along or adding to the thoughts I have.

Bible Study: James the Just

Hello Friends! I am hosting my first bible study over at Killian’s Corner. I was reading Revelations when the book of James caught my attention. So, for now Revelations is on hold. So, hop on over if you would like to join in!

Topics included in James (the biblical book), taken strait from the NLV Bible include:

• Faith and Endurance


• Listening and Doing


• Warning against Prejudice, Judging Others, and Self Confidence


• Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead


• Controlling the Tongue


• True Wisdom Comes from God


• Drawing Closer to God


• Warning to the Rich


• Patience in Suffering


• The Power of Prayer


• Restoring the Wandering Believer

Happy Wednesday!

My Testimony (Part 5)

Jan 4, 1998 I was involved in a terrible car accident. I don't really remember what exactly happened, but I've been told that I ran off of the road and overcorrected, hitting another vehicle. The one thing I hated most about myself--my petite size--saved my life. The space that was left between what was once the front fender and my drivers seat was literally just small enough for my small broken body to fit in. I had broken both of my legs, my lung had collapsed, and I had fractured my pelvis. I was airlifted to a trauma hospital where I spent several days in ICU and had undergone several surgeries. But,....I was alive. God's grace had abundantly blessed me once again. I was also taught a very important life lesson: I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalms 139:14)

Skipping forward to today, I have an incredible life. My husband, Kyle, loves me well above what I ever once considered "love" to be like. I know now, thanks to Kyle, how great love can be. A few weeks ago, I was reading court documents when I came across my old boyfriend's name. He had been charged with larceny. I shudder to think of what kind of life I would have today hadn't God intervened. When I went through the infertility stuff, I again lost sight of my body being "wonderfully made." I felt like a failure...and the Enemy wanted nothing more than me to feel that way as he tried again to fill my head and heart full of lies. There were times I bought in to his lies...there were times I stood steadfast on God's word. And God continued to give me mercy and grace to sustain the worst of circumstances.

I could continue on and on about my testimony, especially including bits and pieces of my infertility journey, but I will stop here. I'll just say this: I may not like who I am at times, but God has made me exactly as he intended to. I am saved. I am redeemed. I am loved. I am new. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and you can be too if you ask him into your heart. He will give you mercy and grace to sustain the worse of circumstances too.

My Testimony (Part 4)

It was my fault he called.  I reached out to his family—probably the best part of our relationship.  I knew they were worried about me since I had tried to take my own life.  And, they were the last part of the hold he had on me. 

 

He told me all those same things…”he loved me…”; “he would change…”;  blah, blah, blah….  And you would have thought I would have had the courage to say “No.”  He had been dishonorably discharged from the Navy for who knows what…”but things would be different.” 

 

“No, I’ve had enough.”  And, I’d like nothing more than to be able to say that is so, but it wasn’t.  I was vulnerable.  I felt all alone in my new high school.  I was having a really hard time making friends.  I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown.  I wasn’t making good grades or sleeping well at night.  And, my family who had offered to do this favor to me by “taking me in” was exposing me to worse circumstances of partying and drugs.  I knew I couldn’t stay there…but I had nowhere else to turn. 

 

I’m ashamed to say that I called for a cab to take me back to the boyfriend…All I can say in my defense is, “Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself.”  Part of my reason for returning was homesickness.  I missed what were once my friends, my school, and the familiarity of what was once my life.  Things were different for a few weeks.  Slowly, they were returning to our “normal” and I could finally see what I once couldn’t: he would never make me happy of love me the way I deserved.  (Think:  “was blind, but now I see” from the hymnal Amazing Grace)  I wasn’t even sure that what I felt for him was “love” at all.  I could see the addiction side of our relationship, but love couldn’t possibly feel this bad.  This was never going to work because he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed…and that was Jesus.  I need Him more than the boyfriend…and this was probably the turning point in my life.

 

One day, I snapped out of the nightmare…enough was enough.  (I often tell friends or loved ones who are struggling in their relationships that one day this feeling will come…)  It was over.  The good parts of us, the bad parts of us…they were over.  I swallowed my big dosage of pride—as hard as it was—and I moved back home to my parents house.  Like God, they welcomed me with open arms.  We had plenty of mending of our relationship to do, but we agreed to pray our way through it and let God handle the rest…

 

Slowly, we fell back into a new normal.  God was doing a work in my life that I couldn’t explain.  I had a hunger for Him and to be better person—looking to Him for what I was lacking in the world.  His grace had brought me to this turning point in my life and I had to choose…And I chose Him.  I called up my parent’s pastor who immediately came to my home.  He led me to the Lord in my parent’s living room.  And, he gave me this bible verse to help “forgive myself” for some of the decisions I had made:

 

Isaiah 43:18

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

It was a direct commandment from the Lord to not remember my past.  And, the preacher also gave me this verse which explained to me that I was “new.”

2 Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

A new me!  Exactly what I needed.  I couldn’t remember how to be the old me, and I didn’t want to be the most recent “former” me either.  NEW.  Forgiven.  Redeemed.  Happy. 

 

The months brought new welcomed healing to my life and family.  Then we were all caught off guard by a terrible accident…one that again (almost) took my life. 

 

More to come.

 

My Testimony (Part 3)

(Continuing from Part 1 and Part 2…  Wow, I knew this would be lengthy, but I have no idea how many “parts” there will be…)

 

….”Elaine, I met this girl in FL and she’s pregnant.”

 

I had no idea what my boyfriend was saying to me.  I was caught off guard.  It stung.  How could this be?  He loved me.  I “loved” him.  He had proposed to me.  We were getting married….

 

As much as those words hurt me, I never imagined what the next would do to me.  He said, “I don’t love you anymore.”  The one person that I had given up everything for…I was alienated from my friends and family who warned me of his ways…and that one person didn’t love me anymore?!? 

 

I cried until it was impossible for me to make anymore tears.  I begged.  Pleaded.  I still “loved” him, and I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t love me back.  Have you ever seen the movie The Dairy of a Mad Black Woman?  The wife leaves kicking and screaming…  That was me.  I felt I had nothing left…I had shamed my family and friends.  I had no where else to go.  I couldn’t possibly go back home to my parents house.  Remember?  I was completely convinced that they didn’t love me either for supporting my relationship.  I was desperate…and hope was lost for me.

 

By this point the boyfriend had left to go back to FL.  He left me crying and pleading for his love.  I’m sure I looked crazy.  He was an addiction I had for the past two years, and I couldn’t even remember my life before him (never mind without him).  So, I attempted suicide by swallowing 24 Tylenol.  I wanted to die—for something, anything, to take that pain away for me.  I think I imagined that I would calmly drift off to sleep where I would die and wake up to the face of God.  Instead I became so violently ill as my body was trying to save me from myself.  Well, I say my body, but I firmly believe it was the hand of God. 

 

I remember I found the strength from somewhere (or Someone) to crawl to the telephone.  In my distraught I didn’t even think of calling 911 (crazy, huh?)  I called one of my only friends who had stood by me…I told her what I had done and begged her to come and get me and take me to the hospital.  I can remember it taking her 4 hours to finally come and pick me up, what would have been a 30 minute drive at most.  But, thankfully, she did come, and I am forever indebted to her for that.   

 

I spent a few days in the hospital for the overdose.  I can remember having to drink something that smelled like sewer water to counteract the Tylenol.  (THAT alone is reason enough to never do this!)  I don’t know if you all know this or not, but Tylenol is damaging to your liver, and I had damaged about 30% of mine.  Yet, doctors were very hopeful that I would recover. 

 

I spent the next week in a psychiatric hospital learning healthier ways to cope with my depression and self-esteem issues, mending my family relationships, and learning to live again.  It was a struggle and I dealt with new issues:  Anger toward God for saving me from myself.  The hurt I felt from that boyfriend was still there, and underneath it all was the “love” I had for him.  I didn’t know who I was or how to be me again.

 

Please note, I don’t fault the boyfriend for this or point my finger at him in anyway.  I take complete ownership of my actions.  Although he mistreated me and had completely broken what was left of my heart and spirit—those are his faults—I had done this. Me.  This was my fault.

 

Hoping things would be better and starting with a clean slate, I moved away from home in with an Aunt and Uncle who offered to take me in.  My parents and I were not ready to co-exist.  We, too, had some things to work through, but I was on overload already, so as important as my parents were, they had to be on the backburner for now.

 

Changing high schools in your Junior year is TERRIBLE.  I was again swallowed up by the population of my school, and I didn’t know anyone.  For the first time in my life, I was forced to rely on me…and it wasn’t very reliable…

 

Then the boyfriend found me…and he called.  Again.

 

More to come.

 

(Thank you again to all of you have read this and/or sent words of encouragement for me to share my testimony.  It is getting a little easier every day, although the hesitation is still present…)

 

 

 

My Testimony (Part 2)

I had a moment yesterday after hitting “post” where I felt sick to my stomach. There was no going back now. If you read Part 1, thank you. I have chosen to break this up into several posts due to its length.

So…

I met this boy in high school. He was a senior; I was a freshman. It was at the end of the school year and I signed his yearbook. I wrote the random, “Congratulations on graduation! Keep in touch!” and left my phone number. I never imagined he would call me for any reason. I barely knew him, and he couldn’t be interested in me, anyway. Only—he did call. For the first time in a very long time, I felt noticed.

He did all of those sweet things to make a girl feel special: he wrote me sweet love letters and told me he loved me. By this time, I was spending so much time with him that I had alienated most of my friends. My parents had forbidden us to see each other (because they could obviously see something that I couldn’t). Yet, I found a way to see him. He was like an addiction to me. I couldn’t think of anyone else or anything besides the life he was promising me. He loved me, and if my parents loved me too, they would want me to be happy…

One day, my mother and I had a very heated argument. I decided the next day while my parents were working that I was moving out. And, I did. At the age of 16, I packed my car full of everything I could take, and I left home. My parents knew where I was and even came with a police officer once to bring me back home. However, because of the heated argument my mom and I had, social services/child welfare could not make me leave. I was trying to go to school, working part time, and living with my boyfriend and his family. I had made some very adult like decisions. I felt he was worth the sacrifice. He had given me an engagement ring to profess his love for me, after all.

As time went on, my boyfriend was slowly revealing himself. He had been unfaithful to me numerous times, and I was always willing to give him the benefit of the doubt to change. What was there left to lose? I had already given up my family and most of my friends. He decided to enlist in the Navy and was sent to boot-camp, then later being stationed in FL. All of this time, I was living with his family…”loving” him faithfully and counting down the days until I was 18 and could join him. I had our life all mapped out. (Anyone else ever do that?) “We would get married and live on the naval base. My parents would eventually come around after they saw how happy I was.”

As a few months passed by, we eventually moved into our own place. I was still in NC while he was in FL and the separation felt like he was on the other side of the moon. I “loved” him…

And he loved me so much he impregnated another girl in FL. I was in initial shock. I felt the wind knocked out of me. I felt the deepest hurt and sadness beyond anything I had ever felt before. In that moment, I wanted to die.

More to come.

My Testimony (Part 1)

I’ve been contemplating this post for quite some time.  I’m not sure why I hesitate to “post” every time I start writing it.  Perhaps it’s my fear of being judged by others who will know my imperfections.  It’s never easy sharing one’s “dirty laundry” with the world…unless, of course, you are on F@cebook...Ha!  Even then, it’s not something I choose to do.  So, put up with with me while I muster up the courage to write this post.

 

Anyone out there have a testimony?  I do, and it goes beyond my infertility woes although that later became a HUGE part of it.  I’m walking, talking proof that God can take a big ol’ mess and turn it into a testimony.  I aspire to be proof that in the heartache you feel whatever your circumstances may be that you can encourage someone else and use that heartache for the greater good.  I don’t know why He loved me enough to save me time and time again from tragedy?  I don’t know why He finally answered my prayers to have children.  I can’t wrap my head around the love He has for me when I deserve none of His time and attention.  After all, that is what He was getting from me: none of my time or attention.  I’ve only shared this story twice before.  Can you tell I’m babbling?

 

The first time I gave my testimony was to the youth at our church several years ago—who I desperately wanted to speak to.  I wanted God to use me and my life to prevent those kids from repeating some of the mistakes that I did.  I can recall standing at the podium and my voice was shaking (as it often does when I am nervous).  Thankfully, I had typed out my testimony so I was able to just stand up and read it to the youth who were staring at me.  I’m not sure they “got” what I was trying to say to them; maybe they did, maybe that didn’t.  Kyle was sitting in the audience and I was mostly nervous of what he would think of me.  These specific parts of my past life which I was disclosing (to what felt like the world) even he hadn’t heard me speak of.

 

The second time I gave my testimony it was over email.  I went out on a limb and sent it to a young girl who was traveling down the same road as I had once walked.  A hard, curvy, breaking road—and I wanted to save her from making the same potential mistakes I had made, to spare her any heartache she would later cast on her family or self.  I’m not sure it was very effective either.  And I have no idea, even now, if posting it here on the web will truly matter. 

 

 So here goes…

 

My life was virtually perfect…until I went to high school.  At that time I felt as though I had been swallowed up.  I was invisible.  Like many other kids my age, I felt inadequate.  I was extremely skinny and often teased for my “lack” of development elsewhere.  I can recall people calling me names like “Skinny Minnie” and “Stringbean.”  Those seem harmless, right?  Those were the names which began my bouts with depression and low self esteem. 

 

The first boy who noticed me turned my life completely upside down.  My parents didn’t support my relationship which only made me more rebellious.  (Is anyone else out there who think they knew more than their parents at 16?!?)  He often told me how much he loved me which made me feel special.  But he also told me how much my parents must NOT love me because they wouldn’t allow us to be together…eventually, I believed him.  My parents couldn’t possibly love me…

 

More to come.

Notes from the past...

Anyone out there notetakers???? [...as I wave my hand frantically]. I often think it's why I have been such a successful student all of these years. I firmly believe if you pay attention in class, you can skim read most subjects and get what you need to know...

Anyway, I also take notes at church. In case I haven't told you all, I looooooove my church. We are blessed to have two very gifted "teacher" preachers who preach truth. As I was going through some of my past notes, I asked myself, "Why not share them with the world?!?" If you want to check them out, then jump over here and become a follower of Killian Corner. I'm working on my first post now. I also am studying the book of Revelations and will be sharing some things on that as well.

I hope you all are having a wonderful 4th of July! God Bless the men and women who have served--past, present, and future--so that I can celebrate independence with my family.