COURAGEOUS Movie Trailer

The Healing will Come...

It's been a while since I've had time to write anything Infertility related. So, this post has been swimming around in my head for quite sometime....

When I had my first miscarriage back in December 2004, I seriously didn't think the heartache would ever leave me. I was devastated. Crushed. Heartbroken. It had taken Kyle and I over a year to get pregnant, so when we were, I wanted to shout it for everyone to hear. And, I did. It was Christmas--the happiest time of the year-- and I was happy for that moment.

When I went to the ER because I was having some issues, I was in initial shock (I think). I mean, miscarriages happen. I'd heard they did. But, they didn't happen to me. I felt so embarrassed to tell all the people who I'd told days earlier that I loss the baby. I felt robbed of the joy I'd been given. The time hadn't be enough for me. I felt like a failure as a woman, but more importantly, a failure as a wife.

I sit back now and even as I watch my two boys playing, I feel this pain that can be so fresh. I wonder all the "what if's..." that we (as women do) to make ourselves feel even worse. What if I'd stop drinking Pepsi... What if I hadn't lifted the heavy groceries...what if...what if...what if.

Now I wonder what would this child look like? Would he/she resemble Kade or Kohen. Would he/she have dark hair and eyes like their daddy? Even as a mom, I still wonder...I wonder what my family would have looked like if I had sustained this pregnancy...or the next one, which I also loss to miscarriage....

Many of my readers have felt this loss recently, and quite frankly, I can't justly describe with words what it really feels like. But I can tell you on this side of the pain, that you will find healing...it will come. Take the time that you need to grieve. This IS/WAS an important loss no matter who makes you feel otherwise. It is a hard loss...a precious life you were given even if for only a moment. You are forever changed by this experience...but don't let it make you give up.

Your desire to have children WILL be greater than any reservations you feel about pending miscarriage. The truth is: If it's going to happen, it will. You can't stop it...no matter how hard you try or how often you beat yourself up over the what if's... turn your sorrow into something positive...hold your friend's hand who is also having one. Reach out to someone else who is struggling with fertility. We--women--are a strong, valuable resource to each other. If any good can come from sorrow, then your suffering was not in vain.

Love and prayers to you all! XO!

Weekend Recap

It's seriously Monday already. Where did the weekend go? I think I'm gradually snapping out of this funk which has kept me down the past few weeks. I actually went on a short weekend trip with my family...camping. I. Am. Not. A. Camper. I told Kyle the entire time I was there, "I'm cold."..."Ugh!!! The bugs!" "The smoke makes my clothes smell." I'm pretty sure he won't be asking me to go again! Ha!

Actually, it isn't the camping that gets to me. It's any weekend trip. They are so much work for a short time. It's just not worth it to me. I'd rather take fewer longer trips than many short ones. Not to mention, I packed for everyone...except me. Literally. I forgot clothes to sleep in. I only packed 1 shirt and 2 pairs of shorts. I had to borrow one of Kyle's shirts to wear home today--because he had 4!!!!

I think I need a really long vacation. We took Kade to play at a park near our campsite, and when I glanced down I noticed I had on 2 different flip flops. I may be losing my mind...Ha! You've also heard me make mention of postponing my teacher certification. I still have plans to postpone that; however, last week I bid on a promotion at my current employer. I had 4 interviews on Thursday, and my final interview is tomorrow. I was 1 of 5 candidates who were being interviewed, so I would appreciate your prayers. If I don't get it, life will go on. I do feel as if change is imminent for me in the near future. I love my coworkers and supervisor, but my heart is not in my job any longer. I need change. Quickly!

I hope you all are having a restful weekend. We have VBS at church this week, so look for pictures throughout the week!

Part 2

This has been a terrible week. I'm seriously beginning to question what on Earth is going on in this crazy world we live in. Does anyone feel as if the end of the world is near? Did you all miss the predicted rapture as I did?

Ugh.

Funk continues.

Last week, tragically....one of my friend's nephews died. His dad put together a set of bunk beds for him. When they got up the next morning, they found him dead. He was 2. Same age as Kade. He hung himself--no one knows how. Just a freak accident. My heartaches for his family. I can't imagine what they are going through. So very sad. Please add them to your prayer list.

Earlier this week, one of my coworker's died. I never met him "formally," but had seen him a hundred million times in passing. Never once did I say "hi." Never once did I share Jesus with him. I just went on my way. He was crushed to death in another freak accident when a truck backed into him as he was at a loading dock door. (I work for a big food distributor in the South East.) He leaves behind a wife of 30 years and two children. Please pray for his family too. Also, the driver who hit him. I don't know how I could accept that I caused someone else's death even if I wasn't at fault--as he was not.

Zahra Baker. The child who stole the hearts of the entire world. She was from where I live. Literally. I have to drive pass the Baker's last place of residency every single day. I see her picture and wonder how in the world anyone---ANYONE could harm such a sweet, innocent child. I can't wrap my head around how such terrible things could have happened to her. How many times did people turn a blind eye to her circumstances? She was clearly living in her own personal Hell on Earth, and it truly breaks every ounce of my soul--down to my very being.

What is happening to this world? Where did so many things go wrong?

Jesus, come quickly~ We need you desperately!

I'm in a funk...

I'm in a funk. My blog has been pretty much non-existent lately. I can't snap out of it. I can't talk about it. I can't even process it.


I've been dealing with a lot. I determined I'm not going to get to graduate with my friends. I still need nine classes to finish my Middle Grades Education degree. One of those classes is student teaching for an entire semester which would ensue my quitting my job. The economy is terrible. In NC, teachers are being laid off by the hundreds...thousands in the bigger metropolitan areas. I feel as if I have completely wasted the last three years of my life. I can't justify quitting a job I have now in order to work for free (student teaching) and not get a job because schools are on a hiring freeze. I have a family which I am half-responsible for supporting. I'm not a risk taker. I play it "safe." But I am completely heart broken that I won't be finishing school in 2012 as planned. I may not get to transition into a teaching position for quite some time. It bites.

There is still some animosity within our family. Mother's Day was completely stressful as it was the first gathering since our fall out, and it wasn't my ideal way to spend it. I'm angry still. To remain as "private" as I can on a public blog, I'll just say that after the confrontation, I expected change. And, we haven't gotten it. At all. So, it's fair to say I am even more angry now than before. This bites too.

Other areas in my life are going great. My boys are growing too quickly. Kohen gets his six month well visit this week. We also are having our first family portraits made for our church directory. I started an online class this week for American Literature. I know, I just said I wasted the last three years of my life, and I DO somewhat feel that way. But, I have to finish now that I have invested so much time and energy into this degree. Our finances have suffered and my family have made sacrifices to see me fulfill this dream. I can't let all of that be in vein by not finishing.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. Nothing really blog worthy to post at the moment.

Tell Me Thursday: 10 Things I didn't know about IVF until It was Too Late

Hello Ladies! I received my next issue of Stepping Stones newsletter today! I always grab it and head to my reading nook to read-ever-single article in one sitting. Seriously--its THAT good. But perhaps more importantly, it's FREE :) Here is one of the articles in todays issue. I figured even though it specifically refers to IVF, some of you may skip on reading it! Please wait! Stick around for a minute; you will be blessed.
*************************************************************************

Ten Things I Didn't Know About IVF Until It was Too Late

by Angela Mackey BSN, RN

1. Artificial hormones are harder on my body than my regular ones. More nausea, more pregnancy-like symptoms do not necessarily mean you are pregnant. So I had to learn to hop in God not my body: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." [Isaiah 40:31]

2. Getting pregnant did not bring joy. Getting pregnant brought more anxiety about whether I would miscarry and how much longer I had to take shots. I had to find my joy in God alone. "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." [Nehemiah 8:10]

3. Artificially stimulated ovaries HURT. My physical pain echoed my emotional spiritual pain. I struggled that getting pregnant should be natural, but for me it was not. I learned to trust God, even though His "...thoughts are not [my] thoughts, neither are [my] ways [His] ways. As the heavens are highter than the earth, so are [His] ways higher than [my] ways and [His] thoughts than [my] thoughts." [Isiah 55:8-9]

4. Loss, loss, and more loss. W amount of eggs did not equal W amount of fertilized eggs. X amount of fertilized eggs did not equal X amount of embryos. Y amount of embryos did not equal Y amount of mature embryos able to be transferred. Z amount of embryos mature enough to transfer did not equal Z amount of pregnancies or babies to hold in your arms. Loss is inevitable, and it is difficult. I had to learn to give our (my husband and mine) embryos to God and trust Him to keep His promise for all of us. "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [Jeremiah 29:11]

5. Artificial hormones take being hormonal to new lows. I had never expereinced true mood swings until IVF. Tears one moment, laughter the next. I had to remind myself that my heart and emotions often try to tell my brain lies. "the heart is deceitful about all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it." [Jeremiah 17:9} So I had to learn the less of 2 Corinthians 10:5, "...we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I had to tell my emotions the truth from God's word.

6. Part of my heart was in the freezer for four years. God is clear in His word that He loves the unborn. Psalm 139 tells us how He knits babies together. Since life occurs at conception, I had babies in a freezer two and a half hours away from my home for four years. The day I brought home our final embryos I was giddy. A weight was lifted. I mourned the babies I never held in my arms, but at least I got to hold them all in my womb. Jeremiah 1:5 helped me rest in God during those difficult times. It says, "Before I formed you in the womb [or petri dish] I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God had a plan for those precious babies. I was able to be a part of that. I do not understand it all, but I learned to trust in His plans.

7. Telling others was a double-edged sword. IVF is a mystery to most people. When you mention it there are many details people want to know and understand. In order to explain, you must share difficult stories. Then if the cycle is unsuccessful, you have to tell everyone you are not pregnant. However there is also a group of people praying you through each steop of the way. They encourage you, sometimes while placing their feet in their mouths, but being held up in prayer is worth the pain. James 5:126 says "...pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective."

8. There was grief in the excitement and possibility. I was excited about the possibilities that IVF offered. I may get pregnant! However, I grieved the loss of getting pregnant the easy way. I learned that often grief and joy go hand-in-hand. That isn't a new concept. Hebrews 12:2-3 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Jesus for the joy before him endured the cross and He did it so that I won't grow weary! Jesus knew the grief and pain but willingly went to the cross for the joy. If Jesus did it for me, then I can do it for the possibility of having children.

9. Loneliness is a lie. The stark statisitics are that 1 in 6 couples experience inferitiliy. The most recent statistic from the CDC say that 7.3 million women in the US alone went to their health care providers about infertility issuess. Not all of them used IVF, but we are NOT ALONE. It is possible that eh woman with three children in your church used IVF. Maybe that sweet couple is longing for kids and has failed multiple IVF attempts. Satan will try to make you feel isolated, alone. We have to remember, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." [Deuteronomy 31:8]

10. IVF changed me forever. I always thought IVF would be a tool to get me more children and then be discarded. I would leave it in my past and continue life as if IVF had never enetered it. Instead, I have discovered that I am forever changed. I am not the same woman I was before IVF, I am better, I am different, I am more compassionate. God used this experience to teach me to say no to myself, my desires, my plans, and say yes to Him, His desires, His plans. Much like Jesus in the garden prayed, "...not my will, but yours be done." I learned to say no to myself and yes to Him regarless of the price.

******************************************************************************

Reprinted by permission from Stepping Stones, a newsletter for infertile
couples published by Bethany Christian Services. For more information
go to www.ssministry.net.
*******************************************************************************
If you have been blessed by this message, I hope you will consider looking into Bethany Christian Services and supporting them with your prayers and/or donations. If you are interesed in receiving the Stepping Stones newsletter, please email stepasst@bethany.org or call (616) 224-7488

They also have a bookstore (www.bethany.org/stepstore) which will contain Christian resources for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. You can even access a selection of past Stepping Stones artilces by visiting the website http://www.ssministry.net/

I was not prompted to write this promotion for the website. It's just something I felt led to share. It was one of the resources I found to be most helpful while I walked through infertility.

Is anyone out there?!?

Hello Friends! After a short...okay, long...period of time away, I'm back to blogging. I had a terribly busy semester for school which included me writing two instructional design plans (IDP for short if any of you saw me complaining via F@cebook). It's basically a 10 day unit of class material. For my Language Arts unit, I chose to complete an IDP on "Drivers Ed" by Caroline Cooney. Are any of you familiar with that title? It's a Young Adolescent Literature novel where a group of kids decide to steal a stop sign as a celebratory festivities of passing Drivers Ed. In the novel, a young mother gets killed when she is involved in an automobile accident.

Until I was working on this novel, I had no idea that something like this really happened. It probably has happened on several occasions, however the instance I am referring was the first notable case. Three 18 year olds who were driving home from a night of bowling were killed when other teenagers stole a stop sign. The offenders each received 15 years in prison for manslaughter. Crazy, huh? The entire topic of my unit dealt with adult-like themes such as responsibility, honesty, guilt... These are things often forsaken in our classrooms. It doesn't make them any less important, though, does it?

Anywho, that's what I've been up to. It's been a long bumpy ride and I am ready for some down time with my family, friends, and blogger family. I hope to be posting much more frequently in the days ahead. I also have some unfinished business to attend to (...uh-um...like finishing a book review I committed to).

I've spent the last hour or so catching up on all of you! Please know that if I have failed to comment, it isn't because I don't care about you or what you are going through. I have been praying none-the-less. I'm heading to bed now. Please say a quick prayer for my Sweet Kohen. He feels quite rotten today. I took him to the doctor earlier, and I was told "Well, he has fluid on both eardrums, and he has a really bad cold/cough." No crap! But I wasn't given any meds to make him feel better. So, I'm playing the up/down game at night time to check on him. I'm exhausted.

Please continue to pray for my friend, Kara. Unfortunately, the last time I blogged I coveted your prayers for the complications in her pregnancy. I'm deeply saddened to report her little angle has gone to Heaven. I have loss two babies to miscarriage, so I know first head her heartache--many of you know it as well. Please pray her her peace and comfort in the upcoming week.

What I'm reading...

Hello yall. I have a second to breathe, so I wanted to post a quick update.

First, please hop over and visit my friend Kara! She recently found out she is expecting, but she is having some early complications. She could really use our encouragement, but more-so, our prayers.

Secondly, I found a really cool blog recently, and she has quickly became one of my favorites! Go visit Heather. She is mom who wants to instill solid Christian values in the lives of her daughters. She is posting really cute crafts/projects for parents to do with their kids. Today, she is hosting a carasel for Sharing Values. It's a place to brainstorm all of our ideas for sharing Christian values with our children. It's certainly a post for all of us who strive every day to be a better parents. Check her out!

My friend Joannah is 35 weeks pregnant! She was one of the first bloggy friends I made in my journey to become a mom. I know this is such a bitter-sweet moment for her. She loss her husband to kidney cancer just over a year ago. After his passing, she wrestled with the decision to pursue IVF. It's something they started together. I'm so thankful she went against popular opinion and did. It heartwarming to have followed her journey. She's such a sweet person; she's going to be the best Mommy!

My friend Tiffany is pursuing IVF! She's posted some questions for you IVF'rs. She and her husband have been trying for 5 years to have their first child. So scoot on over and give her your encouragement and prayers too!

And, O!M!Gsh! You have to read this post from Ashley! It is infuriating what PETA is doing in honor of National Infertility Awareness Month! Please jump over and sign the petition and/or send them an email if you feel so inclined to do! I am just fuming. It's going to tick you off, if you are an IF'r. You are forewarned. They have within the last 24hrs removed the wording "in honor of National Infertility Awareness," but seriously...? The damage has been done.

And I am just now getting around to following up on this book blog I posted. I haven't had a chance to read since the Introduction, but things should calm down for me this week. Soon! I know you all are on the edge of your seats :)

Book Give Away!

Hope on over to my friend Glenna's blog! She is giving a way a copy of the book, Adopted for Life! It's sounds so amazing! Check it out!

Whoa...Where have I been?

Wow!?! Has it really been a week since I last posted? Things are so crazy for me right now. The semester is ending in 4 weeks, so it's crunch time to tie up loose ends. And, can you believe another month has came and gone? What happened to March? And February? And January, for that matter? Can you believe Christmas is only 9 months away? Here is a random update on how things are going in our neck of the woods:

• I have fallen off the wagon pretty much for doing my stairs for Lent! Everything was going so well, but then I missed a day. Which turned into another day...then another. Next thing I know, here it's Friday (almost) and I haven't done stairs all week.


• It's been really cold and rainy this week. I'm so ready for summer.


• My sweet nephew, Josef, celebrated a birthday this past week!


• I had dinner with some of my favorite future teachers last week. These are some of the classmates I have grown so close to over the past three years! I don't know what I'll do when I don't get to see these girls once-twice a week when we graduate.



Bobbie, Kim, Me



• For the past three nights, we've made Kade cry it out in his crib. This part of parenting stinks! Someone should have warned me how hard it would be to hear him sobbing between his "Ma-Maaaaaaaaaaaa's."

We also took Kade roller skating! He loved it. At one point, I glanced over and saw this

Uncle Shawn, Kade, Kenleigh

Kohen is almost 5 months old. He has a cow-lick which makes me call him Alfalfa. You can barely see it in the picture.

Still getting the silent treatment from some family members. It's been a month and a half now.

Life goes on.

That's our life pretty much in a nutshell! I hope you all are having a fantastic week!

Week of answered prayers!

Hey Y'all! I hope you are having a blessed week! I am dragging my heels today at work. I probably look something similar to this:

Last night, I stayed up way too late watching my favorite basketball team LOSE!!!! UGH! If you listened closely, you could probably have heard Kyle screaming at the TV last night. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Regardless of our loss, thanks Duke for a great season! We will be pulling for any team BUT the Carolina Tarheels for the rest of the NCAA tournament! Few people understand the UNC and Duke rivalry. If you live in the south, you know it's called the Battle of the Blues! You can't be a diehard fan for one, and pull for the other when your team is out of the tournament. It's against the rules. So, despite our loss, we bleed Duke Blue in the Killian household.

Otherwise, the rest of our week has been very exciting! I've had three very special prayers answered this week.

My sweet friends Kara, Katy, and Ashley all found out they were expecting this week! I've been praying for all of them for quite sometime. It's very exciting! The Lord is still working miracles every day! Keep the faith Ladies!

Book Teaser...

I have my first book to review! I am so excited to read it... Here you will find a little teaser from the pages I read last night:

"Often we feel life is unfair. Hard times and tough circumstances can trigger self-doubt and despair. I understand that well. But the Bible says, 'Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of any kinds." That is the lesson I struggled many years to learn. I eventually figured it out, and through my experiences I can help you see that most of the hardships we face provide us with opportunities to discover who we are meant to be and what we can share of our gifts to benefit others."

"...my 'burden' could also be a blessing, offering me unique opportunities for reaching out to others, empathizing with them, understanding their pain, and offering them comfort...neither my faith nor my sense of purpose grew strong until I went through some very scary times."

"...I despaired over my circumstances , feeling that I would never be 'normal.'...My heart ached. I was depressed, overwhelmed with negative thoughts and didn't see any point in my life. I felt alone even when I was surrounded by family and friends."

"If you have the desire and passion to do something, and it's within God's will, you will achieve it."

"You may hit hard times. You may fall down and feel as though you don't have the strength to get back up. I know the feeling...we all do. Life isn't always easy, but when we overcome challenges, we become stronger and more grateful for our opportunities. What really matters are the lives you touch along the way and how you finish your journey."

And all of these excerpts are from the Introduction!!!!!! I cannot wait to devour this book page for page! Full review and title coming soon!

SSMT #6

I am really late posting my 6th verse for the SSMT 2011. It's taken me some time to pick out a good, appropriate verse. But, alas, I found the perfect one--or two! There's nothing like God revealing Himself in his Word, is there? Especially when you seek Him for guidance and direction. So, he showed Himself to me in two verse's this week...so why not meditate on 2, yes? The more I learn, the better!

First:

"Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do."

(Ephesians 5:17, NLV)

Second:

"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV)

Here are the other verses I have memorized:

SSMT #5
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

SSMT #4
"Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." (Colossians 3:23 NIV)

SSMT #3
"Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7 NIV)

SSMT #2
"Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the best part of everything your land produces." (Proverbs 3:9 NIV)

SSMT #1
"Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed." (Joshua 1:8 NIV)

Winner, Winner!

Sorry for the delayed post! We've had a really busy weekend! I know that some of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seat, right??? ;)

Congratulations Kara!!!! Send me a quick email with your address and I'll get the $25 Visa giftcard sent out to you this week! And, since she has already made her big announcement, please go over and congratulate her on her positive pregnancy test :) So exctied for her!

Tell me Thursday: Thankful week

This has been a week for bullet points:

• I just finished reading By The Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters. I posted a review on my other blog here. If you like to read, check it out. It was really good, but more importantly, it was "real." It's a young adult literature novel, and let me just interject here...my, oh my, how books have changed since I was a kid. I read YAL novels because I am going to school to become a middle grades teacher, and I want to be knowledgeable about what books my students will be reading and which books I can recommend.
• I have a mid-term tonight at school which I am in no way, shape, or form ready for. I have been the epiphany of the procrastinator student this semester. I'd really appreciate your prayers for me to do my best, and that will be good enough for me.
• Still having some family drama. We are currently getting the silent treatment from members of our family. I wish I could say I don't care, but if I'm honest, I care a lot. Maybe too much. Time heals all wounds right?
• New Life Lesson Learned: If I would have know then, what I know now I probably wouldn't have "opened the can of worms" with said Family. Nothing has changed. Nothing good has been gained. Although everything we said (both parties) were true, I don't know now that it was worth it.
• My Sweet Kade has pee-peed in the potty 4 times today! My mom is the best! She keeps my boys during the day, and she works so hard with them. I'm so glad they are in her care and are smothered with hugs and kisses all day long.
• My Sweet Kade won't sleep in his big boy bed. He wants to snuggle with Mommy, which I am loving a little too much. Daddy, not so much. I think he is scared of the dark :(
• My Sweet Kohen is teething! I anticipate he will have one come through soon.
• My Sweet Kohen also had his 4 month well visit this week. He had to get shots. I've never quite seen the shade of red his face turned before. He was so friendly and flirting with his nurses before the shots. I'm pretty sure he broke up with her after that.
• My husband is the best. Have I told you that lately? He is. I use to want to win the lottery. But now, I look around at my husband, our boys, and the life that we share, and I realize I already have.

What are you thankful for? Tell me...It's one of the last days to enter to win a $25 visa giftcard. Go to this post to enter now! By the way, I filled up completely my car with gas this week, and it cost $62.25! Ouch!

Thoughts to ponder...

Some of the things I hated during our journey...

• One of my friends told me she was once told by her mother-in-law to watch me while I interacted with my friend's son, H. She, the mother-in-law, said there were statistics that would show people who suffer from miscarriages "sometimes" hurt children. I have no idea why my friend felt the need to share this conversation with me unless it was to prove how closed minded her mother-in-law was at this time. I hated how someone could even suggest such an idea about me. And, newsflash...for every 1 case you can show me of where a woman who has had miscarriages and has hurt a child, I can also show you a grandparent who has.
• No one understood what was happening to me. I was uncontrollably spiraling downward, and I didn't have anyone in my real life who understood. I didn't even understand. I couldn't make sense of why God had chosen this path for me to walk. He couldn't possibly think I was physically or emotionally stable enough to handle it. When I did, I hated how I was wrong.
• I hated working. I hated being forced to get out of bed every day and face the reality that was my life. I hated working for a big company because there was always someone who was pregnant. I hated how uncomfortable I felt. I hated the jealousy that fostered in my heart. I hated the pity that my co-workers had for me.
• Not proud of this next one, but I am keeping it real. I hated God. I hated church. I hated praying. I hated anything that pointed towards that God ways were better than my ways. I hated I had no control and all control was His. I hated anything spiritual which could have helped alleviate some of the pain I felt. I hated waiting on Him to answer my prayers.

Some of the things I loved during our journey...

• I loved how I learned some really important life lessons. I learned how to let people's inconsiderate comments roll off my back. I learned that if you haven't walked in my shoe's you were completely oblivious to the hell I was living. I learned that if you hadn't "been there" it wasn't fair for me to blame you for your ignorance. That was once me.
• I loved how I learned having a baby doesn't make you family. I am quite certain Kyle and I can get through anything now. I know, no matter what, he will be standing right by my side, and I by his. I loved how we found a way to hold on to our love and commitment of "for better or for worse." I loved he loved me enough to stay.
• I loved how even though I was bitter and angry with God, He still walked beside of me giving me the strength I needed to sustain the circumstances. I loved even when I didn't want to worship Him, He still loved me. I loved the way He understood the hurt and the heartache I felt and how He was using our experience to draw me closer to Him. I am closer to Him.
• I love how I look at my kids with grateful eyes and an overflowing heart. I don't think I am a better mom than someone who hasn't walked through infertility, but I do feel as though I have an appreciation that can only be gained by struggle. I love how God saved these two sweet, handsome, funny, perfect boys for me when He could have given me different children. I can't imagine my life with any other children but these. His ways are better than mine.
• I love how medical intervention can be wrong. I love how God pointed out to me that He is in control. Where doctors told me it wouldn't happen, He swooped in and said, "Oh yes it can..."
• I love my journey to parenthood. The pain, the sorrow, the tears, the prayers, and ultimately the triumph. I loved that my desire for children was greater than my fear...and I love God for choosing me to walk through this path.

It's the last few days to enter this gi*veaway. Go here to read more. Do you want to be listed under my Support Circle page? It's been updated already with new names.

Lastly, please go visit Kellie & James on the Support Circle page. They are learning to live again after the loss of a child. Their little girl, Maddie, died three weeks ago unexpectedly to SIDS. She was only 4 months old, the same age as Kohen. She needs our prayers and support.

Lots of good stuff going on...

We had an important week of events to occur in the Killian household this week.

My Sweet Kade....pee-peed in the potty for the first time.

He also learned to share with his brother.

And my Sweet Kohen...

rolled over from his back to his stomach.

He also declared his thoughts on the UNC/Miami game from Friday.

Life is good in the Killian house!

Happy Friday: Filler' (almost Half Way) Up On Me!

First of all, have you checked out this post? If not, please do so. I'd love to have you listed under my Support Circle and list any Bible verse that were helpful to you.

Ugh!!!! Gas prices are killing me...what about y'all? Seriously, I have yet to fill up my car completely. Once the pump hits $50, I stop it...it's just too painful to watch!

So, I decided since my last gi*veaway was so much fun, why not have another one?

Here you go... I have purchased a $25 visa gift card to provide you some relief at the gas pumps (or whatever else you need it for).

Requriement to enter:

You must be a follower of this blog =) Not a follower yet? It's so easy! Look over to the right where you see the link "Follow" click on it, and it will take you about 15 seconds to become one. If you have trouble, please email me. I'll help you become one. When you are a follower, leave me a comment answering the following statement:

Gas prices make me wanna.... = 1 entry

Want a chance to earn even more additional entries? These blogs can be found -----------> over here listed under My Other Blogs:

• Become a follower of the Killian Corner. When you do (or if you already are) let me know in a comment = 1 entry


• Become a follower of Between the Covers Book Nook. When you do (or if you already are) let me know in a comment = 1 entry

And, just for fun, I'll give you one more way to enter:

• Blog about and link to this gi*veaway. Come back and leave me a comment telling me so. = 1 entry

There are 4 ways to enter. Pick as many or as few as you like. No comment, No entry. And I will again use a random comment generator to pick the winner, so don't sell yourself short by completing 1-4 in a single comment.

This contest will be open to US residents only, and will run until Friday, March 18, 2011 at midnight. I will draw a winner on Saturday, March 19th!

And it has to be said: I really hope this gi*veaway isn't "google"-able. (Is that a word?) I really want one of my loyal, dedicated readers to win--enough so that I pulled out my own funds for this prize. I won't make assumptions on the last prize I hosted. I'll just say my Feedjit told on some of you who googled "csn gi*veaway"...haha!

Please be creative! I'd love for us all to get a little giggle out of this. I actually heard it on a local radio station and it was pretty funny! This is to make not so pleasant situation be a little more tolerable!

I'll go first...Gas prices make me wanna walk! =) And that's bad! Yall know how much I hate exercising!

Good Luck!

Tell me Thursday: Support Circle & Bible Verses

Hey Y'all! Hope this week has been treating you well! In NC, I think I need to build an ark. It's been raining for 24 hours now (on top of all the rain we had last weekend). It makes the day gloomy, but we'll survive.

I have been adding some pages to my blog (as you can see by the tabs above). This is currently a work in progress that I hope to complete in a few days. The tabs I am concentrating on right now are Support Circle and Bible Verses. Take a minute to check them out. I've linked to some of the blogs I've been following for quite some time. If you don't see your name, and would like to be listed, please leave a comment telling me so. Let me know where your link belongs, even if you don't see a header for it at this time. I've also listed some bible verses which have helped me throughout life. If you have a verse that has brought you comfort and would like to see it added, please tell me in a comment below.

Also, are you a follower of this blog? If not, I would love to have you be one.

Happy Thursday! New Gi*veaway to be posted this weekend :)

Lent 2011

I have never really participated in Lent, or if I have, I don't recall it. This year, I've felt a tugging from Someone to do it. I've been considering for weeks on what I could give up that would "hurt"--or really notice--to remind me to go to God and give thanks for the blessings in my life which he has poured upon me too generously. My first thoughts were caffeine, but I've given up caffeine before, so it wasn't all too difficult to do.

What would really hurt?


Sigh.

Exercise.

I'm not an exercise sort of person. It's not my idea of fun--at all. I just don't enjoy it. I wish I did, but I don't. My attitude is pretty much summed up in this cartoon.

So, yesterday I convinced myself that while on break at work I would do 4 sets of stairs. Not four flights of stairs, four sets of FOUR FLIGHTS of stairs. That's sixteen flights of stairs for you math whizzes out there. Why stairs? Well, the weather in NC is so odd these days. I didn't want the ability to use "weather" as an excuse to quit. I also feel that stairs involve more physical stamina than walking--my calves are so sore today!! They couldn't possibly be this sore from walking.

Now some of you, I realize, are probably thinking, "Well, that's so easy...blah, blah, blah." Holy moly! I almost died. Twice. I think I heard angles singing at one point. I was breathing so heavily on my second set that I decided to stop at 8 flights on shear fear that I would pass out. Maybe by the end of Lent I'll be able to do the 3rd and 4th sets.

The entire time I had to push myself. I prayed to God and thanked Him for the blessings he has placed in my life. I prayed for guidance and direction. I prayed for you, my sweet friends. I prayed for family and good health. I prayed for my friends. I prayed for God to make me godly. Every step was so hard for me...each next step, a little harder than the prior step.

Ironically it reminded me so much of my journey to parenthood. It started out easy...then it got a little harder...a little more hard...a lot more hard. When I was finished I felt so relieved and fulfilled. It's almost hard to put into words. It was a "me and God" moment that I will cherish where He put some things in perspective for me.

I will press on, one step at a time.